Recently we've been seeing a lot about punishments. How, why, when, what for? There is a huge spectrum of people out there and they all have individual opinions on the subject. The question that made this stick in my head was one asking 'do you have punishment in your dynamic'. It actually drew me into the conversation, because we don't 'really' have a use for punishment. Not that I wouldn't punish her if she was directly disrespectful to me, or a myriad of other reasons. Rather, lately, or for a long time actually, she just hasn't done anything 'wrong'.
Now I really prefer it that way, I don't like punishment. I don't think she should like it either. She isn't perfect, but she doesn't have to be. As humans I understand that we make mistakes, and forget things. There is a reason they are called -mistakes-. How do you punish someone for something like that? I suppose you 'can', but what is the result? I don't believe you can make people perfect, everyone has flaws - sometimes you just have to accept that. I'd much rather reward and reinforce positive behaviour.
This isn't to say that when she forgets I just smile and shrug and we have an 'aw shucks' moment. Sometimes it affects me, sometimes I get angry. We have a talk, I say something like 'you can't do things like this'. She agrees, she says she'll try harder. Depending on what happened we have a discussion on how to avoid this thing in the future. Generally - it doesn't happen again - or if it does it's so far apart that I don't remember the last time. For me that's the end of it.
Recently I asked her - 'do you feel like I let you get away with things?'. To which she responded 'no - not really'. Well the 'not really' kind of caught me, it wasn't a flat no, was I not doing my job?
What we've been discussing lately is the probability that she 'needs' that punishment. Now this isn't a new concept, just one that I haven't given much thought. I admit until lately that I hadn't really considered her mental process. I thought that the forgiveness step was enough, that if I told her it was ok, that I wasn't still angry with her, it would be over. Since I can't read her mind I didn't know there was another step involved, and since she doesn't always tell me how shes feeling (god knows I've tried to get her to - this is one thing we continue to work on) sometimes I just don't know what's going on in her head. Maybe one day I'll tell you about the time I had her vocalize her internal monologue, even hearing what she is thinking I don't understand it.
Anyway - what we think the root of the problem is? Her Catholic childhood. I'm good any time I can blame religious upbringing, so I agree.
From what she's told me there is a cycle, something along the lines of - 'Do Wrong', Confess, Be punished, Forgiveness, Absolution. Now generally we're good on the first two steps. She's always come running to me immediately after she does something she knows I won't agree with. We met online, and this behaviour started there. I've always appreciated that about her personality, if she does something 'wrong' I'd much rather she came to me rather than having to discover it on my own, or from someone else. I think this stems from early in our relationship when I told her that I wanted to know everything about her, and hiding anything from me was against the rules.
The problem comes in with the punishment step, sometimes I think she doesn't 'deserve' it - apparently she always thinks she deserves it. We joke about her Catholic guilt, but it's true - she feels guilty about everything, and never lets it go. Now that I understand the cycle, I'm more able to help her through the process. Since I believe it's my job to keep her mental state healthy as well as her physical state this is a great piece of the puzzle.
So what makes a punishment?
Well her last one involved a time out in the corner. Since she was mostly having a mental issue I figured this would give her time to go over it without interruption. I haven't asked if it worked, because that would defeat the purpose. The punishment is over, the action that caused it is in the past and there isn't any point worrying about it further.
Lots of things make a punishment, in fact anything that a person dislikes can be a punishment if they are forced to do it. I suppose cleaning the bathroom could be a punishment, but I'm not sure how that would work. I'm also a firm believer in the 'punishment should fit the crime' saying. Generally if you look at 'the crime' you can think of something fitting that might reinforce a good behaviour and punish the bad.
When a punishment is over -
If you do have a punishment dynamic in your relationship I hope you don't neglect the last steps - forgiveness, and absolution. It is just as important for you to say the words as it is for you to hand out the punishment. Just finishing the punishment and expecting it to be over is naive. You s-type is people too, make sure they get the honey after the stick.
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