"It's not the amount of pain, it's that it's pain that is important."

We were strolling through the park on a beautiful Friday afternoon, hand in hand. Our tiny white dog trotted along at our feet.  Kids were fishing in the lake.  We were talking BDSM.  It's funny, they say that 90% of the time, full time M/s couples look 90% vanilla, but no one says anything about listening.  People should listen in more often.

"You're right, it's not the amount of pain.  I don't like pain.  I don't like pain for pain's sake anyway.  I sucked for online Doms before I met you."

He laughed.  "How so?"

"Because they'd tell me to do something and I'd say no.  Forget it.  I'm not interested.  You can't make me.  I don't want to hurt myself.  I'd tried it once or twice and it did nothing for me, so why would I want to do it again.  No.  And them telling me to do it wasn't a turn on either.  I wanted the control of them doing it, or physically there to make me endure it.  Pain for pain's sake is just nothing to me."

He studied me as we walked.  "Because it's the control you crave?" he asked.

I nodded.  He was right, of course.  "Because it's the being controlled by someone that gets to me.  When you hurt me I love it, because you are controlling whether I feel pain or pleasure.  Me doing it to myself doesn't have any meaning."

He swatted my ass.  I squealed happily.

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So, why is this conversation from last week running through my mind today?  Because today, what I want so very much is for my Master to hurt me.  I am craving the pain that is beyond what I would ever really want to tolerate.  I want him to make me suffer for him in a severe way.  I want to cry and plead and beg and not have it matter at all to him. 

This doesn't happen every day.  Some days I want to be loved and gently cared for.  Some days I want to have Daddy snuggle with me and my stuffed giraffe on the sofa and watch a movie.  Some days I want to just be bent over and taken passionately, fast and hard and fairly vanilla except for maybe some yanks of my hair and smacks to my ass.  But not today.  Today I want to offer up that suffering as a sacrifice.  I want him to drag the pain out of my body sensation by sensation, to lord over me with his power and control, to watch me grovel and weep and to mercilessly make me take more than I ever imagined I wanted to, even more than I imagine he'll want to right now.  I want savagery.  I want to know that I can't get away, that I can't stop it, and best of all, that it's all for him.


The problem is, of  course, that he may not want to.  That's the trouble with being a slave.  Sometimes when you really want to snuggle, Master wants to try the new nipple clamps.  Sometimes when you want to ache and cry, he wants a kitten purring at his feet.  I usually try to sublimate my own desires and ignore them.  I'm shy about asking for what I want.  I'm embarrassed and don't want to be any trouble, and just want him to be happy.  It's hard for me to remember that what makes him happy is knowing what's going on in my head.

So, I'm here.  Where I can say it "out loud" and maybe he'll see it.  And later, I might be on my knees, begging for him to hurt me more.