I've been following some threads on FetLife lately about punishments, and it's had me thinking a lot about our particular dynamic and when we do and don't incorporate punishments in our lives.
Because our dynamic is fluid, and constantly changing to fit our needs, we've flexed in and out of more and less severe punishment states. More often than not, I am not punished for my misdeeds, because I honestly do my best and when I do slip up, it's a mistake, not willful disobedience. I can only think of one or two times I knew what I was doing was wrong and did it anyway, and that was very early on in our relationship, before things were really very solidified between us.
But what if punishment is what I want?
Sometimes, it's much more about me than about him, I think. I tear myself up with guilt over my mistakes. It's one of my little personality quirks. I feel responsible for his displeasure, whether it was through my actions or someone else's, which is something he has tried to break me of over the years (I feel that it's my responsibility to make his life easy, free of difficulty, and fun, as much as possible), but when it's my doing that causes him a problem, it is heart-rending.
I grew up Catholic. Lots of stuff is a sin. Heck, I was taught that thinking about a sin was as bad as actually committing it. Worse, I was told that I was personally hurting Jesus' heart by sinning. However, by confessing and doing penance, I could be forgiven, and my slate would be wiped clean. It's a nice idea, that no matter what you do, if you are contrite and take your punishment, you can start over. I don't necessarily believe that's true logically, and I'm no longer Catholic (I converted to Buddhism many years ago) but I think that something about the sin-confession-penance-forgiveness cycle became so deeply ingrained in me that I need that full procession to take place so that I can forgive myself as well.
I'm good at the confession part. When I first met my Master, he was startled by how easily I told him whatever I had done wrong, even if there would have been no way for him to know I'd done anything wrong. This was handy, because at the time we met and became friends, he had a rather nasty little sub serving him who liked to tattle-tail. Kind of burned her butt a little bit that she couldn't get one up on me by telling on me, I think, which made things even more delicate between she and I, but that's a story for another day. I still will confess to whatever I feel my shortcomings are. I suppose for some this would be humiliating, but I prefer to think of it as humbling, instead. Since it is his right to know everything about me, I consider confession to anything and everything to be a part of that deal.
The penance part is what trips us up sometimes. If we skip that, and move straight to forgiveness, I often just can't move past it. It doesn't have to be serious or elaborate, but fifteen minutes of quiet time in the corner - definitely humiliating and not fun at all - can be enough to let me feel that I've paid the price for my misdeed.
I would never act out just to get a punishment, because I know that with my Master punishment isn't for fun. And I really wouldn't want it to be any other way between us. But if punishment were severe and overly painful, I think that I wouldn't trust him either. Granted, it is generally scaled to the severity of the offense, and because I want to please him, I don't commit severe "bad acts" but I couldn't handle it either if I received bloody whippings for small infractions.
I wonder sometimes about new couples that I hear about, who have a long and strict set of rules, and allow no room for human error. I think that they will burn out brightly and fast, and possibly both leave lasting damage on one another. While it hurts a bit to be punished, done right it can also be very healing. While it can hurt to punish, it can also be very bonding, I believe.
There are others out there who believe that punishment is actually a type of "reward" for bad behaviour, and that that it is inappropriate to assuage guilt in this way. They state that it should not be the dominant partner's responsibility to help them feel forgiven. Here is where I disagree, because I think that whatever works for the couple in question is appropriate. I don't believe, for example, that practicing polygamy is right for me. That doesn't mean I think all people should practice monogamy and that responsible partners wouldn't practice it. If it works for you, and you are healthy and happy, then I think you should do it.
For me, confession is good for the soul. What about you?
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