Pushing Boundaries

Last night, while sitting at his computer, the Masterly type turned to me and asked, "How do you say 'what time' in Spanish?"

I told him, "Que tiempo."  I did the student abroad time in Costa Rica in high school, and used to be pretty good at Spanish.  Now, it's best to catch me off guard instead of me trying to think.  Anyway, I figured this was a test.

He said, "That's what you need to ask her."

Being as I was playing a game and not on Fetlife that second I asked, "Who?"

He said, "Rawr.  On Fetlife."  Rawr is a very cool girl we met at a munch recently.  I might or might not be getting a girl crush on her.  Or it could just be that she understands the connection between me, Lush products, and glitter.  At any rate, I went to look it up.  She was headed for wings tonight (the next night, as I was reading it then.)  I did ask her what time, though I managed to use English, not Spanish to do so.  I also probably did so in my usual socially awkward dorky fashion, but it's hard for me to rate myself, because I think everything I do is awkward.  Master just thinks it's cute.  We're both prejudiced.

I tell this story, because later he told me that I wouldn't have asked if he hadn't pushed me, and he was right.  I like that he pushes me to be a better person, and to get past my fears.  Talking to people is a big fear of mine, because I feel like I never know what to say.  I used to be painfully shy when I first met him, to the point that friends in high school used to poke a bit of fun at me for it.  I could go out for a whole evening with friends and manage to say less than half a dozen words.

One of the best things for me, about living in a D/s relationship, is that there's someone in the world who pushes me and doesn't let me stagnate.  We all should be learning and growing in our lives, and becoming our best selves, but when we're left to our own devices, I think most of us - or maybe just me, who knows - tend to push ourselves only in the ways we feel the most comfortable.  For example, I really wanted to have the structure of some kind of a faith in my life, but for years couldn't figure out what that was.  Because I was comfortable in pushing myself in that area, I went to tons of churches, temples and synagogues to figure out where I fit, and I finally discovered wow, I'm a Buddhist.  Who knew?  I thought I'd end up Wiccan or Pagan or something.  But no.

However, I also have an irrational and unexplained fear of having my feet not on a stable surface.  I don't like being in the air for any reason (heights don't bother me at all.  When we were apartment hunting in Calgary I happily stood at the railing of a balcony on the forty-something-th floor  looking at the view while the Masterly one glared at me from inside of the patio doors shaking his head, cause there was no way he was going out there with a railing that was well below his waist) but Master pushes me on this.  I used to be uncomfortable even sitting on his lap, because my feet weren't touching the floor.  It's a type of loss of control that makes me just a little bit crazy, but I'm getting better.  But only because he pushes me into situations where I'll deal with it, face my fears, let myself feel safe because he's there, and slowly move in the direction he wants me to go.

Either that, or he just likes seeing me scared.  Come to think of it.......