Technique Tuesday: The Art of the Tease

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Weekend Musings: Comparing Rule Lists

So this week we're looking at rules - this probably stems from a few of my posts making fun of people this last week who are asking for 'rule' sets on what to do with their slaves.  I find this way more prevalent with people who have been mostly online and are trying to move into real life.  Apparently online the only important thing to have is rules, they have to fill a person's whole life - which you know, is probably 3 or 4 hours a day that they spend online.  'Real' people have 24 hours that have to be filled, I guess that can be quite daunting and you might want to ask around to get ideas.

Of course - just as a side note - if you aren't creative enough to make up rules that are going to make you happy ... you probably deserve to be unhappy with the weird ass rules that other people give you.  I made up some garbage about having a list with 103 rules for all true slaves and had more people than I expected message me to get the full list (I was being sarcastic - I do that).  I told them all to send me their $10 membership fee and I'd send the list over with their welcome package.  Hey if I made $100 out of it I'd actually sit down and write a whole damn list.

So, you may think that I have a problem with rules - but you'd be wrong.  I love rules - but I only love rules that make sense to 'me'.  We don't have a lot of rules in our household, which works for us.  Not that we haven't tried, it just didn't work out.  You know that when it takes more work to make the rules and upkeep them that you have too many.  Micromanagement might sound interesting to some of you, like having everything predetermined or done a certain way all the time, but it just drove me crazy.  You also may not think of it, but changing rules is almost as bad as not having them - especially if you're changing them a lot.  Suddenly rules aren't rules - I mean if you're not going to follow them, why have them?  That is my point.

The rules we do have?  She does what I tell her, shes allowed to ask for clarification, or 'why' if she thinks I'm being arbitrary about 'how' I want something done.  So basically she can question my method but not my reasons.  She can ask for the reasons, but they aren't up for debate.

Whoa, 1 rule?  Yeah, that's all you really need.  Some other 'rules' have stemmed from that, but they came up naturally over time, I didn't sit down one day and say 'ok, here are all the rules that I want you to follow'.  We were just sitting around one day and I was like 'ok, from now on I'd like X' - and just like God called things into being, I do the same thing.

The real problem?  I can't tell other people how to live their lives.  Well, correction, I 'shouldn't' tell people how to live their lives, and if I do they damn well should know better than to listen to anything I say.  Just because this makes me happy doesn't mean it's going to make anyone else happy - and if it will make them happy?  I figure they should know what they want already.  I mean, if I wanted a chocolate bar and having one would make me happy, I'd go get one.  I wouldn't go ask someone - hey, what makes you happy ... then when they tell me drinking organic shakes is what makes them happy go buy one of those instead.

I suppose I can see the argument, something along the lines of 'maybe I don't know what I want'.  Ok - then why do you want it?  I don't wander around asking people why my stomach feels empty - I know I'm hungry.  When I'm hungry I eat something.  Same thing should go for rules - if she is (or isn't) doing something you want ( or don't want ) then correct the behaviour with a rule.  That should be pretty simple reasoning.  There is a difference between just asking a general question (Hey are there any rules for what I should do with my slave around bed time?) and saying 'Hey, I'm thinking of instituting a bedtime ritual for X, and I'm going to have her do Y - do any of you do something similar and how does that work for you?'

I feel like I've been belabouring the same point and and typing in circles so I'm going to cut off there.  My bottom line is really quite simple - Do what works for you.  You don't have to do everything at once, relationships evolve.  Don't be afraid to re-evaluate what you are doing to make both of you happy.

Read Her View for more information

Weekend Musings: Rules and Protocol

One of the things I see a lot of online are people who are new to D/s, who are looking for a be-all, end-all list of rules for their submissive or slave to follow.  I do understand wanting to do everything "right" when you start out, and wanting to have a dynamic that works, but unfortunately there is no quick and dirty instant set of D/s rules and behaviours that are going to work for everyone.

I know there are multiple lists of "slave rules" and "submissive rules" circulating on the internet.  I also know there are Gorean rules, and Leather rules and "Old Guard" rules.  There are rules for different types of submissives and lists of the different types.  So, who's right?  Well, all of them are.  And none of them are.

The thing is, that no set of rules is going to be right for everyone.  There's a list of 128 slave rules that is pretty well circulated, and includes an awful lot of rules that would spell disaster for us.  I get to leave my Master whenever I want and he always has to take me back?  No.  I have to have my nipples and labia pierced?  Yeah, Master doesn't like the idea of someone messing with his toys.  I get a safe word I can use whenever I want?  I threatened to use it when it was time to do the dishes when I read that one.  Muahaha.

There's really only one rule that should be required in any D/s relationship:  Do what the Dominant partner says.  For every couple that's going to be something completely different.  For the two of us, the protocols are simple and have developed and evolved over our ten years together.  I walk a step behind him (or sometimes a bit more) when we're walking together.  We may be side by side, but I'm slightly behind his shoulder, with my hand tucked through his arm or holding his hand.  I don't start eating until he does.  I ask to leave the room, even if it's just to go to the bathroom or check on the laundry.  I take care of the housework and anything additional he asks me to do in the morning (book appointments, research something, etc).  I prepare a menu for approval every week, then prepare the shopping list.  I feed the animals, take the dog outside, and brush and groom them.  He chooses my clothing if we're going out.  During various times, I may be assigned extra things to do if we're busy, or fewer things to do if I'm ill.  Always, I do things to his desires, such as choosing foods he likes to make instead of ones I'd prefer.  Always, I do these things to please him.

He doesn't need to micromanage me.  We went through a phase of that early on in the relationship.  We had a million rules, for everything from how to get into bed at night to how to do the dishes.  And you know what happened?  We both hated it.  It's a great fantasy, that you can make a rule for anything and it's always obeyed, every moment of the day planned by someone else, no decisions to make, but in reality, it totally ... sucks.  What if this morning I want to put in the laundry before I unload the dishwasher?  What if it's Wednesday and I want to wear a skirt, because it's hot, but it's slacks day?  It's crazy to have a bunch of inflexible rules, and just makes you miserable in the long run.

Still, which rules are important and which make you crazy is going to change from couple to couple.  Sometimes, when you are learning how the Dominant partner wants things, it helps to have rules.  For example, in planning the menu, it helps to know that beans and spinach are forbidden, and salads and tomatoes encouraged.  There are preferences, but these need not be made into hard and fast rules.  The best way is your way, no one elses.  Make your own rules, and watch your relationship grow in the most beautiful ways.  Rules can bring you closer when they're personalized just for you.

Read His View for more information

Review Thursday: Singapore Stinger III

A few weeks ago I put in an order at an online website called Pink Cherry.  They are located in Canada and actually had some decent prices.  Some of the stuff you see here in the next few weeks came from them as well.  They even gave me free shipping on my order (over $75) so that was an added bonus.  Those of you in the US, I envy you when it comes to shopping for 'toys', you don't know how good you have it.

The first thing from the order I wanted to try was a new lightweight paddle called the Singapore Stinger III.  I was actually disappointed when it arrived, the size on the website was hard to determine and this just wasn't what I was picturing.  It's fairly small - actually it's smaller than the palm of my hand (the blade portion) and the handle is tiny and the weirdest shape I've ever seen.  Who makes a handle that narrows toward the blade?  It also has a wrist strap to prevent 'throwing' it.  I laughed at the time, but actually ...

So - to the review. First, like I've said before, because of my hands it makes using some toys difficult.  I'm a big man, and I have big hands.  This toy was definitely no exception.  First I tried gripping the handle fully like a rod.  The neck of the handle narrows where it gets close to the blade, so my index finger couldn't even curl tightly around it.  The thing is narrower than one of my knuckles and I can't squish my bone together to get a better grip.  This caused the thing to be somewhat unstable in my grip, flipping forward and backward a bit.  I also found it nearly impossible to deliver a solid smack with it.  My knuckles contacted her skin before the paddle did, forcing me to do a 'wrist twist' kind of thing at the end of a snap to make the paddle actually contact her skin first.

I then tried to move my hand down the handle a bit, which meant I was holding it with two fingers and my thumb around the fat portion of the handle.  This also did not work, I could manage to smack her with it, but it kept wanting to fly out of my hand since the handle is weirdly rounded on the edges and perfectly flat otherwise.

After that I tried paying my index finger across the back of the handle for added stability while still using two fingers to hold the handle.  This seemed to work, but every slap kept pressing my index finger back until after just a few minutes it was too sore to continue.  No luck at all.

I moved to holding just the end of the handle between my thumb and forefinger, much like I did with the spatula, and used the motion of my fingers and wrist to just do a rhythmic taptapping.  This seemed to actually work well, but again, it was top heavy and my fingers got tired from holding onto it quite quickly.

The only good thing I really have to say about it, is man did you know it was hitting something.  I swear you could hear the smacks outside (when I could actually deliver them properly at least).  This is probably the worst toy I've ever used, and we both ended up feeling pretty shitty when we were done.  Her because I just couldn't control the damn thing and it was painful without being fun, and me because I just couldn't comfortably use it and ended up hurting her for no good reason.

In retrospect if I'd kept to more of a soft tapping without trying to deliver the usual force that I do during a spanking it might have been ok (note: warmups only), but as a full out 'single spanking toy' this just fails.

Review Thursday: Singapore Stinger III Paddle

A few weeks ago, the Masterly type made an order with Pink Cherry.  Attention Canadians: this website actually has reasonably priced adult toys.  Their bdsm and bondage selection is slim, compared with some US sites, but you don't have to worry about customs and brokerage fees, outrageous shipping or long delays in getting your order.  The package arrived exactly when they said it would (about a week after placing the order online) in perfect condition, nice plain packaging, packed well and with everything exactly as we'd ordered it, plus a little thank you packet with some lube samples inside.

One of the items we bought was a little bamboo paddle produced by Pipedream called the Singapore Stinger III, which retails for $11.99 CAD on their website.  We've seen it for much less in the US, but adding shipping makes it twice as much.  It looked lightweight and simple, and like the kind of thing most people buy as a starter toy, so we thought it would work well for a review. At 11" long and 4" wide it's small enough for even the tiniest female to handle easily.  Unfortunately, that means that the Masterly one's hands kind of dwarfed the thing, but that's nothing new.

For me, this did not deliver the kind of spanking I'm generally looking for.  I'm not sure if it was the circumstances or the paddle itself, but afterwards I was left feeling cranky and kind of angry instead of reaching that blissful release I usually arrive at somewhere in the middle of impact play.  I think that the Masterly one was having trouble with the use of the paddle itself, because the blows seemed to be inconsistent and out of rhythm, which is unusual for him.  It might have been me getting an attitude too, because toward the beginning of the spanking there were a couple smacks to my bare calves.

Now, we don't do limits or safe words, but that nearly inspired some creative thinking to figure out how to introduce one in the middle of a session.  The backs of my knees and the backs of my calves are so very, very sensitive.  They, along with the insides of my elbows, the small of my back, and the back of my neck are some of my most easily arousable erogenous zones.  They also, as a general rule, do not respond well to pain.  So I started off a bit on the wrong foot, so to speak.

As to the blows itself, there is something about the size and shape of this paddle that just doesn't do it.  It's too large to have the stingy, bendy thwacky hit that a wooden spoon or spatula has.  It's too small to have the proper thud of impact that a paddle has.  It's somewhere in between.

Halfway through the spanking, the kind of warm up I usually get started.  If we'd started there, I might have had a different experience, because this is where the paddle seemed most effective.  When you can get into a consistent rhythm with blows that are also consistent in speed and force of impact, it's actually pretty nice.  I started to relax and enjoy myself.  I felt myself warming up, my muscles letting go, and my body getting into it.  Unfortunately for me, that period didn't last nearly long enough.

The way this paddle hits is just not that pleasant when it's more than a light whack.  Now, I know, not all spankings are meant to be pleasant, but all of you who get thwacked with stuff out there know that there's a difference between a good hurt and a bad hurt, and the harder whacks with this paddle were all bad hurt to me.  Too sharp, not enough weight behind the impact, and the vast difference between one blow and another just had me all over the place. I was getting antsy and agitated and I couldn't find a place to concentrate.  I found myself digging my fingernails into my hands as hard as I could just to give myself something steady to concentrate on.

Almost an hour later, my hands still hurt (so does my bottom, though) and my palms are still bearing the marks.  Good thing I don't do the long acrylics any more or I'm sure I would have drawn blood.  Now, I say this because I think a good deal of the responsibility for this lies with the tool itself.  I've never had this kind of feeling during a spanking before, and have had many many many over the ten years we've been together.  I've never felt this need to inflict pain on myself just to distract myself from what's going on; usually I'm losing myself in the sensation and concentrating only on what's going on.   I'm not usually a complainer about toys, but whew... this one really disappointed.

Does it sting?  Oh yeah, it lives up to it's name.  My rear end is still suffering.  And the after-glow part isn't as bad as the spanking itself was.  I like that ache that lasts for a long time, and I hope this one does as well, so that I get something out of it.  I'm told that the Masterly one got to hear noises out of me he'd never heard before, so there's something unique too. The problem was that they were yells of rage, which generally isn't what we're after.   Ironically, even though I wasn't restrained, there wasn't any crawling away, or even trying to cover myself with my hands.  Why?  The thing was a bastard enough where he meant to hit me with it, I didn't trust moving to improve the situation any.  It felt like the tool was out of control in some ways, so I felt like I needed to be in control to compensate.  Which of course is another reason I never reached that bliss-space which is so much fun to be in.

Overall, while this might work as a light warm-up toy, or might be okay for very light players who don't use anything other than a very casual, very mild hit with a paddle, it's not the thing to use for a serious spanking.  I guess this is one of those situations where you get what you pay for!  It's cheap, but I'd rather bring out the wooden spatula any day.  This made me desperately miss our old ping-pong paddle of yore.

Technique Tuesday: Rope Corsetry

So - I have this thing about rope.  It's hot, I like how it feels, I like how it smells, and I like playing with it.  Now playing with it can come in lots of flavors, just working it in my hands, tying knots, tying practice knots around myself, and tying knots around people.  I prefer the tying knots around people as much as possible, but sometimes that just isn't practical.

I'm not an expert, not by a long shot - I couldn't tell you the different between two different kinds of knots other than to say 'Hey I can tie that, its cool' and 'wtf, how did you do that?'.  Usually when I ask the second question I get a demonstration, usually once I tie a knot myself a few times it sticks in my brain and I can use it when I need to.

Where does my love of rope stem from?  I love working with my hands.  My girl usually giggles when I say stuff like that and tells me I have 'magic' in my hands, or some other such thing.  It's cute, and she's adorable - and its the truth.  There is just some kind of satisfaction I get after having put something together with my hands, when I can step back and admire my 'work'.  I dunno how to describe it, it isn't solely satisfaction, part of it is 'this is my art' and part of it might be 'thats my girl all tied up'.  However you slice it - I just like doing it.  I even like just sitting around trying to get a cuff knotted properly around her ankle that I've been working on for a while.

Anyway - onto the actual subject of the post.

I had been looking at some breast bondage, different kinds of halters and harnesses and I found one that I really liked (by TKB I think).  It was designed to immobilize the arms behind the back in addition to being a halter, but I figured I could skip that and modify it a bit to get what I wanted out of it.

Best part? - the breasts

We have a play party coming up this weekend, and I got the idea that for 'fetish' wear I could tie a rope corset on my slave and she'd be all set to go.  Never having done a corset before I did some looking online for the right kind of design - I found a few that had a 'quick release' built into them, but that required shoving a knitting needle through the knots and I just didn't like the overall look of it.  Since I was planning to have her wearing it long term, comfort, as well as aesthetics were important.  If she needed a quick release, wearing it out of the house was probably a bad plan anyway.

Just as an aside - we've done this kind of intricate bondage before and she's worn it for extended periods so I'm less concerned about her 'freaking out' while tied up and me having to cut her out of it.  If you're just getting started in this that's something you have to watch for, keep a pair of heavy scissors handy and don't be afraid to 'waste' all that rope chopping her out of it if things start to go badly.  Safety is more important than your kink (Unless Safety is your kink, then you're all good).

So - I actually discovered that corsets were pretty easy.  Once you get a harness in place (it can be any harness) you just loop through your byte and start wrapping.  Each wrap loops through the last 'byte' and you get a nice crisscross pattern all down the front.  In the back you have a clean smooth rope line.  Fantastic.  So we went to the store and bought about mmm, 250ft of rope.  Not fancy rope, since we're kind of broke at the moment, but twisted nylon and some clothesline (3/8 inch).  I liked the look of the 3/8 on her, I had considered the 1/2inch as well, but I wanted to get more wraps in and they didn't have enough rope in the 1/2inch size anyway.

rear view of the harness knots

After a bit of review of the process I started on the breast harness.  She loves having her breasts cinched up, so this part went pretty smoothly.  I was a bit anxious though and had her spinning around right after dinner, so she got a little nauseous and we had to take a break.  Tip: Be a good Dom and don't spin her around like a top on a full stomach.

The harness went on nicely though, and her first comment? 'Wow, look at my breasts!'  Definitely a boob lifter, one of the bonuses of having a well endowed girl who's into rope bondage.  I used to have a lot of problem at this point doing the 'over-the-shoulder' rigging, either it would irritate her neck (especially long term) or strangle her, or both.  I discovered a 'double coin knot' that could be used in this instance to put the pressure in another location rather than directly on the body.  One of these behind the shoulders and one at the base of the throat seemed to properly distribute the tension, and we were in business.

Closeup of the corset knotting

When the harness was finished the next part went pretty smoothly.  I did some walking around her, she did some lifting her arms up and down.  When I'm doing this for real I'll pay more attention to centering the knots, but this was just practice so my 'braid' went kind of crooked

The finished product was impressive - if I do say so myself (and I do).  A few times she had gasped and was commenting on how constrictive it felt, I was being careful not to cinch it too tightly (something to watch for!) I wasn't pulling on the ends, I was just snugging it all together - so I imagine if I really wanted to give her a trip I could have snugged everything up a bit tighter.  We might try that another day at home just to see what the effect is like.

I let her sit around in the rope for the rest of the night, she enjoys the feeling and I enjoy seeing her tied up - win win.  Even with all her movement it stayed in place quite well - my knot did slip, so I'm going to find a different way to tie it off before the party.  That won't take long though - and it was almost as fun taking it back off of her, as it was putting it on.  Got a great picture of the rope marks it left behind too.

Pushing Boundaries

Last night, while sitting at his computer, the Masterly type turned to me and asked, "How do you say 'what time' in Spanish?"

I told him, "Que tiempo."  I did the student abroad time in Costa Rica in high school, and used to be pretty good at Spanish.  Now, it's best to catch me off guard instead of me trying to think.  Anyway, I figured this was a test.

He said, "That's what you need to ask her."

Being as I was playing a game and not on Fetlife that second I asked, "Who?"

He said, "Rawr.  On Fetlife."  Rawr is a very cool girl we met at a munch recently.  I might or might not be getting a girl crush on her.  Or it could just be that she understands the connection between me, Lush products, and glitter.  At any rate, I went to look it up.  She was headed for wings tonight (the next night, as I was reading it then.)  I did ask her what time, though I managed to use English, not Spanish to do so.  I also probably did so in my usual socially awkward dorky fashion, but it's hard for me to rate myself, because I think everything I do is awkward.  Master just thinks it's cute.  We're both prejudiced.

I tell this story, because later he told me that I wouldn't have asked if he hadn't pushed me, and he was right.  I like that he pushes me to be a better person, and to get past my fears.  Talking to people is a big fear of mine, because I feel like I never know what to say.  I used to be painfully shy when I first met him, to the point that friends in high school used to poke a bit of fun at me for it.  I could go out for a whole evening with friends and manage to say less than half a dozen words.

One of the best things for me, about living in a D/s relationship, is that there's someone in the world who pushes me and doesn't let me stagnate.  We all should be learning and growing in our lives, and becoming our best selves, but when we're left to our own devices, I think most of us - or maybe just me, who knows - tend to push ourselves only in the ways we feel the most comfortable.  For example, I really wanted to have the structure of some kind of a faith in my life, but for years couldn't figure out what that was.  Because I was comfortable in pushing myself in that area, I went to tons of churches, temples and synagogues to figure out where I fit, and I finally discovered wow, I'm a Buddhist.  Who knew?  I thought I'd end up Wiccan or Pagan or something.  But no.

However, I also have an irrational and unexplained fear of having my feet not on a stable surface.  I don't like being in the air for any reason (heights don't bother me at all.  When we were apartment hunting in Calgary I happily stood at the railing of a balcony on the forty-something-th floor  looking at the view while the Masterly one glared at me from inside of the patio doors shaking his head, cause there was no way he was going out there with a railing that was well below his waist) but Master pushes me on this.  I used to be uncomfortable even sitting on his lap, because my feet weren't touching the floor.  It's a type of loss of control that makes me just a little bit crazy, but I'm getting better.  But only because he pushes me into situations where I'll deal with it, face my fears, let myself feel safe because he's there, and slowly move in the direction he wants me to go.

Either that, or he just likes seeing me scared.  Come to think of it.......

Technique Tuesday: Ropework Corset

Rope bondage has been a favourite activity of ours for a long time now.  It was one of the first interests that my Master had in BDSM, and we've had a lot of fun over the years playing with different types of things.  Usually this has taken the form of breast bondage for play, which is one of my favourite things ever, but this weekend we were playing around with rope corsetry.

The reason for it was simple; next Saturday we'll be attending a play party put on by Whiplash Productions* and Master decided that I'll be wearing the rope corset to the party.  Fun for everyone!  So a test run was in order, to be sure it was feasible and to be sure I'd be able to wear it long term.

When we first started with rope bondage, Master had a pair of heavy-duty scissors available at all times, just in case I panicked or needed to be out of it fast.  As time went on, and I became more and more enamored of the feeling of bondage, we began working on longer and longer term tie-ups, and more elaborate rope work.  As such, we were not working on a quick release corset, but one which would be knotted in place, and would take a certain amount of time for removal.  This made it more important that it was comfortable long-term.  Well, if not comfortable, per se, something that I could bear long term without whining and driving him crazy.

Being tied into the breast harness first was wonderful.  Of course, breast bondage is one of my favourite things.  There is something about feeling confined and controlled when you're still able to move around that is just extraordinary.  Not to mention that in particular, breasts - which are such a symbol of femininity and what makes a woman a woman - in confinement seems to bring about an almost spiritual level of submission for me.  It's a way of giving him the very essence of who I am to control.

Detail of knotwork on the back of my neck

I particularly liked this harness tie.  It seemed designed to make my breasts look even bigger than they are naturally, which is kind of impressive in and of itself.  It wasn't constricting enough to cause pain, just a certain tight level of discomfort that I enjoy quite a bit.  It worked up and around my neck with some beautiful, decorative knots on my chest and back.  I love it when bondage can be pretty, too, which is kind of the point of shibari bondage.  I did get the bonus of added sensitivity in my breasts, but this bondage wasn't tight or severe enough to cause restriction in blood flow, so coloration of the breasts didn't change.  This was a good thing; that kind of bondage shouldn't be worn long term, or in a situation like a play party where it might not be easy to undo myself quickly.

When the corset began, I did have a little bit of trouble.  We'd had a busy day, and I was tired and feeling a little sick after dinner, and the being spun in circles made me dizzy and nauseous.  Sometimes I really love being manhandled, but I'd already been spun a little bit for the breast harness and this was just too much.  I had to request a break.  Thankfully, Master was understanding and let me sit down and catch my breath.  There's always a risk for us in bondage that constricts my chest because I have asthma, so he's usually pretty good about letting me monitor how I'm feeling and giving me the leeway I might need in these situations.  After about ten minutes of controlling my breathing and drinking some water, I was doing better, and we went back to work.

It didn't take long to complete the corset, and to avoid making me dizzy again, this time Master walked around me to work on it. Pretty soon he was tying it off.  I loved the row of knots down the front of my body; they were beautiful and added a bit of structure to the feel of the corset.  I didn't think it was particularly tight, definitely not uncomfortably so, but I think that may have done with it going on slowly and having a break in the middle.  After it was removed, however, I had quite a nice pattern of rope marks in my skin, an added bonus that Master seemed to particularly love.

Aftermath: My Back

Wearing the corset was definitely something I could do for hours, and I was sorry and protesting when it was time to take it off for bed.  It should be a blast to wear it at the play party this coming Saturday, where all of you attending can check out Master's knotwork for yourselves.  I can't wait to be tied in again!


*You can find Whiplash Productions here on FetLife.  This is the event listing for the workshops and play party this coming weekend.  Come out and play!  We'd love to see you there.

Weekend Musings: Scening with Sound

Music ...

I admit I was kind of at a loss for what to write this weekend, which is why my post is coming late.  Since I told my girl she could come up with our topics I don't want to back out now, but this one really isn't my thing.  I've never really been interested in music - at least not in 'lots' of music.  I grew up with narrow tastes and never had the opportunity to explore, so there is still so much I don't know ... I just don't think I'll ever catch up.

I have enough music so that when I am driving for work I have something to listen to in the car - and I go to sleep listening to music most nights since it helps calm my brain.  That's a habit from when I was little and to shut me up and get me to sleep my mother would just put on a tape in the bedroom and keep re-running it until I finally fell asleep.  Now most music makes me sleepy just listening to it - funny how the mind works isn't it?

I know that she likes to have music going during an intense scene, it helps her the same way it helps me sleep, but giving her brain something to focus on and let go so she isn't worrying about the laundry, or messy floor, or whatever it might be that is on her mind.  For me the music recently has been practical - it keeps out the noise of the dog's nails *ticktickticking* on the floor while she paces around, and the *mrooowwwing* and hissing of the cats while they try to kill each other.  In general I prefer instrumental music without a lot of vocal accompaniment.  I find music with too many vocals, or complicated refrains to be distracting - it's the beat that's most important.

Recently I've been throwing on some Enya just because that's what I have on my iPod at the moment that isn't too vocal heavy and distracting.  Since we haven't been doing any heavy 'play' recently it's been working just fine for me.  I've also got some Evanescence on there that I can put on if we're doing something more 'intense'.

During a session with some impact play I like something with a heavy thudding beat that I can use to time my strokes - it lets me pick up a rhythm from something external and I think it gives a bit extra 'thump' if I'm timing the blows properly.  It's almost like dancing, feeling the beat in your body and flowing with it.  When I really get into it, it helps me let go as well - there's a narrow focus, where even though I know whats going on around me and I'm aware of it - I can really just lose myself in the moment.  It's a very freeing experience.

I really have no idea what we used to use, since I had my girl put it together ... being the one of us that knows more about music I leverage her expertise to create play lists for us.  She has one now that I'm supposed to be trying here one of these days, probably with one of our new rope floggers I'll give it a shot.

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Weekend Musings: Music to Scream By

Music has always been an important part of my life.  I grew up in a family where, as the youngest grandchild, I was my opera-singing grandfather's last best hope for a family prodigy.  I took singing lessons, guitar lessons, flute lessons and piano lessons.  I partially paid for my college tuition by singing in a small bar and in a wedding band.  My CD walkman went everywhere with me until there were mp3 players... and now it's my iPod that is my constant companion.  I have over 50 gigs of music on my computer, which would apparently take 40 days worth of non-stop listening to work my way through.  I love music. 

It shouldn't be surprising then, that the music that's played during a BDSM scene is important to me.  I have my favorites, some of which inspire my lyrically, and some of which inspire me musically, but my list is constantly changing.  For a long time, I thought the best thing ever was being whipped to Mozart's Requiem in D Minor.  It's still a perennial favourite, but my current list of "best scene songs ever" includes a few more contemporary artists.  Following are the songs which currently have a home on my hottest of the hot, scene playlist.

 

Garbage: I fell in love with this band in the 90s, and it's been a part of many many scene oriented playlists over the years.  My current loves include Only Happy When It Rains and Push It.  Both have nice rhythm which, at least for me, enhances impact play significantly.

Nine Inch Nails:  Their sound goes right through me when I'm in the right mood.  Only, Head Like a Hole, Closer, and The Hand That Feeds are on my current must-orgasm-to list. 

 Muse: Time is Running Out

 

Breaking Benjamin:  I fell in love with their sound during a pretty dark period in my life, and it seemed to resonate with my more black emotions.  It makes sense then that it would appeal to me during the darkest of scenes, no?  My favourites include Topless, So Cold and Breath.

 Bush: Comedown, Glycerin

David Draiman:  I kind of have a little bit of a vamp fetish.  Okay, maybe more than a little bit.  What's sexier than a big strong scary someone that is going to bite you and make you bleed?  Makes me shiver.  From one of my favourite vampire flicks, Queen of the Damned, the song is Forsaken.

Evanescence:  This one might be a little cliched.  Lots and lots of people like them for scene music, and I tend to hate being trendy.  But you know, sometimes trends happen for a reason.  Their ethereal sound, heavy bass and even their dark lyrics make them a natural mate to BDSM scenes.  Try Bring Me to Life, My Immortal, or Sweet Sacrifice.

What belongs on the playlist next?  You tell me.  What's on your BDSM scene playlist, and why?  What moves you?  What do you like to feel - bass?  Percussion?  Heavy guitar?  What speaks to your soul?

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Review Thursday: Press Clamps

Out of all the things that make Canada awesome, the price of sex toys makes it less awesome.  Though recently I did find a decent online site that is actually in Canada (yay no overpriced shipping!).  So - along that line of thought, we were out one day and had decided to look around and see if we could find some kinky new toys.  We lost our whole toybox a few years ago and just haven't had the money or patience to rebuild it adequately.

So - to make the story short, we were shopping, marvelling at the insanely overpriced toys (giving shocked expressions to the dildos larger than my arm - WTF are those for anyway?) and trying to find the actual kinky selection of toys aside from the 50 different kinds of bunny vibes.  Writing this reminds me that I have to go back to that shop and buy one of the feather ticklers - just for the look on my girl's face - but that is another topic.

Anyway ... while looking we found some not stupidly priced nipple toys, and one of them was this Spartacus Press Clamp set.  Since my girl has large breasts and large nipples sometimes we have trouble with toys that have smaller 'gripping' space.  These actually looked promising, they have large open areas with adjustable screws, and are more of a clamping design than pinching design.  So, they looked interesting, and we picked them up.

Normally I don't prefer the clamps with a chain running between them, unless they're clover clamps.  This isn't because of aesthetics or anything, but pure practicality.  Sometimes I'm not careful, tug on the chain and 'pop' off they come.  Since I like controlling that initial 'freeing' sensation I feel like I miss out at these times and am usually not impressed.  I also like to be in control of what's going on - not that I can't work with 'shit happens' but I prefer not to.

So the other night I broke into these while I put on an older movie with some D/s undertones that we'd been planning to watch.  I like having her stretch out with her head in my lap while watching movies or TV, it gives me a nice view and also lets me idly play with her hair, breasts and/or nipples whenever I want.  So during the playing I twisted these free and started to put them on her.  The opened fairly smoothly and went on pretty easily.  The thumb screws tightened down, but with her nipples being so big they squeezed out of the 'clamped' area.  This didn't seem to bother her, so I don't think it lessened the sensation.

The visual with the bra was just a side benefit

I got the clamps snugged up, though the thumb screws became obdurate when I tried to actually tighten them down.  I have pretty good finger strength but I just couldn't get the 'squeeze' I really wanted out of them.  Once I had them on and gave the chain a bit of a tug to see how it made her jump I went to get the camera.  On my way back I noticed her playing with them, she grabbed the chain and decided to give it a tug - it was sexy for a minute and I was getting ready to take a picture, then they just popped right off.  Not so secure.  She gave me a surprised 'O' look and I gave her a frustrated 'don't mess with my mental image' look.

Readjusting the clamps I told her not to tug on them so hard and went back for pictures.  I got a few decent shots, then settled in for the long haul.  I started the movie to get my timer started.  Safety is important when working with new equipment, she has good endurance, but I don't want to do permanent damage so I always pay close attention to both her nipples coloring and how long I've had the clamps on.

I played with the clamps, I had them on in such a way that when I pulled on the chain they would twist her nipples instead of just pulling on them.  Since the clamps are large and square this was easily accomplished.  Using the chain (gently) I pulled it horizontally across her body (she is laying down) and kept the vertical tugging to a minimum (for fear of pulling them off).

Over time her nipples got more and more sensitive - as usual with this sort of toy.  The tips were easily available for further torture and gentle touching.  I also found I could get a good reaction by taking one of them in my fingers and turning it like a steering wheel, which twisted the nipple rather severely.

I did discover that the more I played, the more quickly the screws loosened.  This is the problem I've had repeatedly with adjustable toys that use thumb screws, they just don't stay securely tightened.  It seemed like every minute or so I would have to keep snugging them up.  At first I thought that her nipples were getting squeezed enough for me to tighten them further, but that wasn't it.  I tightened them as hard as I could, and I watched while I played with them, it was subtle, but the screw was actually backing out from the pressure of her nipple trying to re-expand.  Not great when what you want is to make her nipples ache tomorrow.  The constant tightening was distracting - I think after a while she was surprised that I could keep making them tighter - she didn't know what was going on.

Overall - about average for adjustable screw clamps.  For anyone with large nipples these are fantastic, and if you're looking for more of a gentle 'slow build' sensation these are perfect.  If you can't give them enough attention to keep them tightened  you might be disappointed with the results.  We'll be using them again, because I never use something only once, but with other options these wouldn't be my first choice.

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Review Thursday: Spartacus Press Clamps

The Masterly type and I were out to catch a movie, and of course before a movie, shopping is a great way to kill time.  Especially when there's an adult boutique down the street from the movie theatre.

I'd like to take a moment of my time to tell you Americans that you are very lucky in the adult toy marketplace arena.  My girlfriends and I used to shop at the big discount stores up in Wisconsin when I lived in Chicago, and the prices were phenomenal.  Even the prices at the little shops in the city beat Canadian prices by a country mile.  I never appreciated then how nice it was to be able to have a huge toy collection.  Which is part of why losing our whole collection in our fire was such a horrible thing.  But I digress...

As we wandered about and I pointedly avoided the wide varieties of feathers on sticks (one of these days I will explain my utter horror at being tickled.  It is the worst thing EVAH), we caught sight of these little babies, hanging on the wall among the small array of fetish items.

We had quite a collection of nipple toys in the past, but had never tried clamps quite like this before.  We were both fascinated by the way they worked, as opposed to our old favourites of tweezer clamps and clover clamps.  I have rather large nipples, so sometimes clamps are hard to use effectively, but these had a nice size to them, so we went ahead and picked them up on impulse.

I really like the feel of cold metal on my skin.  It's scary and goose bump inducing and threatening somehow.  So, I like clamps with metal chains.  Master... not so much.  He finds chains to be a bit more of a pain than a help, though pulling on the chains is an entertainment he seems to enjoy.  I also really like that the whole body of the clamp is metal.  It gives a sharpness to clamps that rubber cushioned tips soften almost too much sometimes.

At first, I found these clamps to be pretty mild.  I'm not sure how tightly they were adjusted, but while it was a nice mild pressure, there wasn't an initial "bite" of pain.  I immediately grabbed the chain and pulled upward.  Oh.  They came right off.  Either they weren't very tight, or just were very slippery without rubber grips.  Either way, it made Master look both amused and annoyed with me.  I think he probably was sorry he hadn't restrained my hands.

Once they were readjusted, we went back to what we were doing.  Namely, I remained positioned across the leather ottoman in front of him, and he resumed the movie (the 1974 version of Swept Away).  For endurance play, these work well, as my body seemed to adjust to the level of compression easily enough, leaving a throb, but not a huge amount of pain.

Every so often, Master would tighten them a bit, increasing the pressure, giving more pain, making me squirm more and more.  He likes having a toy at his disposal during movies and the like, so he spent lots of time just idly toying with the clamps and my clamped nipples.  The compression made them extremely sensitive, and even light brushes of his fingertips over the tips of them was very intense.  Tugging was really nice with these clamps, I think because of the configuration of the compression and where the chains are located on the clamps.  Whatever the physics of it, I could feel it quite deeply, and it shot both pleasure and pain through my body. Often it feels like a pull on a chain is only pulling on the skin of the nipples - particularly with "toothy" clamps, but this definitely lifted the full breast, with a completely different set of sensations when the chains were straight up (while on my back) or in other directions.

It took a bit of time, but it wasn't long before we were reaching my endurance limit.  This is something I think I'd like to work on, cause I was feeling a little bit like a wimp as I whined and squirmed around. Being as he can read me so easily, it was only a minute or two after I had the thought of "Oh holy crap I hope these come off soon" before they were being removed.  Because the compression is lifted gradually by the thumbscrew instead of suddenly, there is no OMG moment when they first come off.  I actually kind of missed that.  The sick feeling you get in your stomach when you really, really want the clamps to come off but are terrified of that shock of pain when the blood returns probably won't happen next time, because I know it's a gradual thing.  Perhaps if they were yanked off all at once you'd still get that... something to experiment with in the future!

Overall, I really like these clamps, and because of their slightly milder nature, they are great for endurance play.  These would be fun to use during a more prolonged scene, combined with flogging or other impact play, because they are easier to wear longer-term.  I think it was a great purchase and look forward to more playtime involving them.

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Technique Tuesday: Hot Hands

I had looked at a few pictures recently where there was a full hand print on a girl's ass.  I thought it was kind of hot, the 'how' of it escaped me for a while though. I mean, I'm all into spanking, but that always leaves a pretty even red flush on the skin, I posited that hitting the same place repeatedly for an indetermined period of time would likely produce that result, but even then I couldn't see hitting the exact same spot over and over in the same way.

It was eventually that train of thought (well if I hit harder would it happen sooner) that gave me the idea that if I put enough force into it, one swat could produce that effect.  I gave my thigh a good whack to see if it brought a red mark to the surface - yep, red mark.  So my hypothesis is correct, now I just needed to test it.

It was getting late and I was ready for bed, then I went to gather up my girl - she was looking at an ass with a hand print on it.  How ironic you say? I thought so too.  So I said - 'sure, we'll do that after you get ready for bed'  The look she gave me was priceless.  Now, she might not admit it right away, but she likes things that scare or intimidate her, and I like it when shes scared or intimidated - so we work well together.  She went off to finish getting ready for bed, and I went into the bedroom to wait for her.

Lack of definition

When she came back I 'helped' her undress, then without ceremony bent her over our bed.  We have an awesome bed for this kind of thing, it comes up to about my waist, so is probably at least 3 feet high off the ground, great bending over mark.  I'm not sure what she thought was going to happen exactly, but her knees were shaking and she was concerned about falling over.  I know I didn't tell her to 'suck it up' but it was something along the lines of 'too bad'.  Now, I explained how the process was going to work - since I wasn't really sure of what the hell I was doing, I like to explain things so she knows what's going on and my reasoning.  I think she agreed that my reasoning was sound - whimpering could mean lots of things though so I'm not 100% sure.

I turned to the side and did the old golf practice swing warm up.  I resolved to put a good full arm swing behind it, I wanted to get this right the first time since I was only going to have 2 shots at it (one on each cheek).  I also spread my fingers pretty wide, since I thought that would be a more clearly defined hand print.

When I swung I pulled it a bit at the last moment, so it ended up being probably about half my full strength.  She shrieked and I think there was an 'oh my god'.  I didn't feel like I'd gotten the full impact that I wanted, since my hand wasn't sore - it had sure been loud though.  It only took a moment for the outline of one finger and half my thumb to appear, but that was it, and it was dull and almost fading away again immediately.  Shit.

Both sides after one swat each

Aight, so I moved to the other side and prepped my left hand.  I got a bit of feedback - things like 'is it too painful?' 'did I hurt anything serious?' - nope nothing injured, we're good to go.  I gave her a minute to recover though, I mean - as much as she likes spanking I didn't want this to just be a painful experience for her, that wasn't the point - or at least not all of the point.

For the second swat I kept my fingers very close together and put more force into it - not a lot more, but definitely more.  It made her jump forward a bit on the bed and there was 'ow ow ow' coming from somewhere in the covers she was burying her face in.  This one left an almost perfect imprint of my fingers, but I was a bit too far into the center of her ass and my palm and thumb were missing - *sigh*.  I did stop at this point to take pictures though since it was damn hot either way, and I was worried it would fade quickly.

When I was done with the pictures I couldn't even tell I'd hit her with my right hand.  So without much warming I just stepped up next to her and slammed my hand down - probably a little better and 3/4's of my full strength.  I really put my arm into it and tried to keep my fingers mostly together, with my thumb apart.  The force lifted her up off her toes and pushed her onto the bed.  This was followed by screaming and cussing.  Normally she doesn't swear unless something really bad happens - I actually felt a bit proud that I'd made her let out a string of curse words.  Bingo!  When I got a look it was almost a fully perfect hand print.

Last attempt - full hand print

I also took pictures of this - just in case it faded.  That was it, all done with the play session - it was late anyway.  I actually quite enjoyed myself.  The mental was there, the physical.  And when she sat on the bed she wiggled around and told me that she could feel my hand on her ass.  What else can you ask for?

Not something I would do on a daily basis, but when I get the urge to leave a mark on her ass with my hand, I'll definitely be doing this again.  She told me the next day that there was a mild ache, but nothing like when we have a real play session.  That's ok, I wanted the visual anyway.

Just as a note - the outline completely faded in about an hour, so if you want to snap a shot for the memory books, make sure you have your camera ready.  Maybe next time I'll hit her harder and see how long it lasts in comparison.

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Beg me for it - Part 4

(( continued from - http://tenderly-possessed.blogspot.com/2011/05/beg-me-for-it-part-3.html ))

I take another drink of the soda.  No frustrated noise.  I look down at her - no glaring.  I wave a hand in front of her face and she blinks then looks at me a bit confused.  Well - I was just surprised, maybe she can learn something after all.

"Do you need some help figuring out how to beg?" I ask, always willing to give some lessons.

"Yes ... Sir," she looks down for a moment then looks back up at me, there is a different almost defiant look in her eyes - "I've never had to beg for anything before."

Well I can't say that I'm surprised with that little tidbit.  "No kidding," I reply almost sarcastically.  She gets that almost glare back - nice to know she still has some spirit, if she'd broken that easily I'd be disappointed. I take a half step back and she watches me, now curious.  "Bend over and stick your ass in the air, you can touch my foot and calf - ask for what you want."

There is the glimmer of that furious look again, then that cover up where she does a half smile - like if she plays along eventually she'll just get what she wants.  I'm starting to get used to how her mind is working through this and am looking forward to really showing her differently.  She does bend over though, hands around my ankle, and then the pleading starts back up again - "Please Sir ... please, I've done what you wanted, don't I deserve a reward?"

I yawn and take another sip of the soda.

She starts stroking my calf and she shifts her head a bit, I know she's working up to kissing my foot since she probably things that's what I want - no foot fetish here, but I like the position this puts her in.

"Please Sir? I'm still very thirsty, that wasn't quite fair of you at all - you know that it is very hot, and my mouth is very dry from all this talking"

For some reason this didn't sound like begging to me at all anymore.  Now it sounded more like she was trying to convince me to 'do the right thing' that wasn't what I was after.  But it continues.  "You know Sir, if you're good to me I could be very good to you, just for a drink - isn't that worth just a single soda?"

She does manage to work up to kissing my foot, a quick peck.  I'd love to see the look on her face, I'm sure it was priceless.  I can feel a hand moving up my thigh and I reach down and slap it sharply.  She makes some kind of 'eeep!' sound and her hand jumps back away and she half raises up to look at her hand.  Ah, no one ever hit her before either probably.  I raise my other foot and stick it on the back of her head and push it back down.  "I didn't say, stop, and if you want to touch anything else you can beg for it."

Shes too surprised to fight against my foot, not that she'd be able to.  This time she doesn't have much choice on where her lips go, since I don't let up on the pressure behind her head.  Moving my foot a bit to the side I lower it all the way to the ground, pinning her hair beneath it to keep her properly in position.  Then I bend down and pull free the two ties holding on her bikini top.  When the first one slips free there is silence, but when the second slips free there is some kind of inarticulate muttering coming from my foot ... I ease up a bit on her hair.  "What is that?"

"Give me back my bikini you fre..." I push my foot back down and the rest is lost in mumbling against my foot.

"I'll give you a choice, you can beg for the top, or for the drink, you pick?"

I lift my foot up a bit again ... there is silence for a moment.  "I'm very thirsty ... Sir," comes the eventual reply.

I toss the bikini top into the pool, that's what I figured she'd say.  I knew from earlier that she didn't have a tan line, naughty girl - it's always nice to see that unbroken expanse of skin down by your feet.  I consider removing the bottoms too, but we don't need to go there yet.  When I remove my foot from her hair again there is silence, then she starts stroking my leg again.  "Please Sir - don't be cruel, please I need a drink."

She sounds more contrite this time, but I have to slap her hand again when it comes up past my knee.  She does make a slightly frustrated sound and her fingers curl a bit.  "Please can I touch your thigh?" she asks, politely enough I suppose - at least she as asking.  "Alright," I reply.

She raises up a bit, her lips pressing along my bare calf as her hands work up my thigh.  The begging has stopped other than a soft 'please' every now and again, as though shes working hard at being audible but has other things on her mind.  She rubs my thigh for a bit with both hands, then up over my cutoffs and I know what she's doing before she gets a hand over my crotch cause I can see the glint in her eye even with her head turned down.  I make a quick motion with my arm and her hand jerks away.  For a very brief instant there is a look of triumph in her eyes, like she had planned on me swatting in the crotch.  Which would have hurt, I wasn't being gentle on her hands.  It only lasts for a second though when she realizes I had faked her out.  I reach down and take her wrist in my hand.

"No ... no, please, no Sir - I didn't mean it!"

I swat at her hand a few times, sharply, while she begs me not to.  Hey real begging, with real desperation! When I release her wrist she jerks it down against her chest and rubs it while looking up at me with a mix of shock, surprise and maybe a little awe, and a lot of anger.

I tip my head back and take another drink from the soda.  Immediately I feel hands on my thighs again and her lips close to my knee.  "Please Sir, I can't take it any more - please have pity on me ... please may I have a drink? Please? You are so cruel ..."

It goes on, but I can actually hear the desperation this time, I can feel it in how she moves her hands, how she presses her lips on my skin.  Just what I had been waiting for.  I reach down and tangle my fingers in her hair, pulling her head back to look up at me.  I take that half step forward again so her face is at my crotch level, gazing up at me - that soft look back in her eyes.  I can't help but grin, damn that image is hot.  Her lips are slightly parted and she's breathing heavily, I can feel her breasts moving against my legs, skin on skin - also a turn on.

Her hands move up my thighs and pause, I can feel her fingers curl and hands shake slightly before they reach my crotch, well at least she learns fairly quickly.  "You want something else?" I ask, trying to sound honestly curious and not mostly triumphant.

"No ... no ... " she swallows a bit then nods her head a fraction, about all she can manage with my grip in her hair - "Yes Sir."

"Open your mouth," I reply.

She opens it without me having to ask again, her eyes open and continue to gaze up at me, I lower the bottle of soda.  She wiggles a bit on her knees, and there is this look of relief on her face.  Her hands twist in the fabric of my cutoffs like it's all she can do to stop from reaching up and grabbing the bottle.  I start to tilt the bottle and her eyes close in rapt acceptance.  I keep turning the bottle, over, over ... then all the way upside down.  Hm - looks like I finished it off.

"Oh well." I say.  She opens her eyes, confused - then they spot the upside down empty soda bottle hovering over her lips.  I hold it there for a moment longer and watch her face go from confused, to surprised, to non-comprehending, to lost, sad, angry - then a few other emotions I can't trace.  I toss the empty bottle away.

"WHAT?" she calls up at me, eyes wide.  I know that look, it says 'I did all that and you already drank it all! I'm going to kill you!'

"That is 'What? Sir' to you," I answer with humor and laugh as she starts to struggle a bit against my hold in her hair.

(( TBC ))

Technique Tuesday: The One-Smack Spanking

We all have days where we want pain, where we want a bit of play, and just don't have the time.  It's already almost bedtime, you've had a rough day, you're tired.  You have time for sex but nothing elaborate.  What do you do?

In particular, I love having a tender, stinging bottom.  Getting that way with a slow warm-up, and a long hard spanking rocks my socks.  But getting to the destination via a shortcut can work well too.  That's where the one-smack spanking comes in.

Yowch!

It's a little scary.  I shake.  That's okay, cause when I'm shaking and scared, Master gets really turned on.  I know that I'm going to get a smack with almost his full strength.  And when it comes, it leaves a print.  A nice, red outline of a hand on my bottom, that is incredible in it's initial impact and stings as much as a long warm-up does.

The interesting thing about it is, that afterwards, when Master sat me on my bum, what I felt was a sting and tingle in the shape of his hand.  The "shape" of it was interesting, and very different from a "regular" spanking.  The landing of the blows themselves is very intense, and provoked some interesting words from my lips.  I'm usually pretty squealy and squirmy, but I don't usually cuss during a spanking.  This time?  Oh yeah, the cussing came out.  But the intensity is mitigated by the brevity.  I knew I could deal with it, because it was going to be done and over with.

The effectiveness of this depends on what you're after.  I had only a very mild next-day ache, and the next day I found myself craving lots of pain and a very long session.  If you follow this blog, you might have seen me post about it here.  I think if the goal is to leave the submissive partner wanting more, this is a good way to get there.  It is not a substitute for a "real" spanking, when you really need one, but it's a fun way to implement a little bit of playing into a busy day where you don't have the time and/or inclination to set up or deal with a full out evening long activity.  Let's face facts, sometimes in life you have half an hour from start to finish, and if you want sex too, a long session of butt swatting is not in the cards.  This is a great way to introduce a bit of head space, add a little fun, and make a souvenir photo for all parties involved of a nicely printed hand.

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"It's not the amount of pain, it's that it's pain that is important."

We were strolling through the park on a beautiful Friday afternoon, hand in hand. Our tiny white dog trotted along at our feet.  Kids were fishing in the lake.  We were talking BDSM.  It's funny, they say that 90% of the time, full time M/s couples look 90% vanilla, but no one says anything about listening.  People should listen in more often.

"You're right, it's not the amount of pain.  I don't like pain.  I don't like pain for pain's sake anyway.  I sucked for online Doms before I met you."

He laughed.  "How so?"

"Because they'd tell me to do something and I'd say no.  Forget it.  I'm not interested.  You can't make me.  I don't want to hurt myself.  I'd tried it once or twice and it did nothing for me, so why would I want to do it again.  No.  And them telling me to do it wasn't a turn on either.  I wanted the control of them doing it, or physically there to make me endure it.  Pain for pain's sake is just nothing to me."

He studied me as we walked.  "Because it's the control you crave?" he asked.

I nodded.  He was right, of course.  "Because it's the being controlled by someone that gets to me.  When you hurt me I love it, because you are controlling whether I feel pain or pleasure.  Me doing it to myself doesn't have any meaning."

He swatted my ass.  I squealed happily.

___________________________________________________

So, why is this conversation from last week running through my mind today?  Because today, what I want so very much is for my Master to hurt me.  I am craving the pain that is beyond what I would ever really want to tolerate.  I want him to make me suffer for him in a severe way.  I want to cry and plead and beg and not have it matter at all to him. 

This doesn't happen every day.  Some days I want to be loved and gently cared for.  Some days I want to have Daddy snuggle with me and my stuffed giraffe on the sofa and watch a movie.  Some days I want to just be bent over and taken passionately, fast and hard and fairly vanilla except for maybe some yanks of my hair and smacks to my ass.  But not today.  Today I want to offer up that suffering as a sacrifice.  I want him to drag the pain out of my body sensation by sensation, to lord over me with his power and control, to watch me grovel and weep and to mercilessly make me take more than I ever imagined I wanted to, even more than I imagine he'll want to right now.  I want savagery.  I want to know that I can't get away, that I can't stop it, and best of all, that it's all for him.


The problem is, of  course, that he may not want to.  That's the trouble with being a slave.  Sometimes when you really want to snuggle, Master wants to try the new nipple clamps.  Sometimes when you want to ache and cry, he wants a kitten purring at his feet.  I usually try to sublimate my own desires and ignore them.  I'm shy about asking for what I want.  I'm embarrassed and don't want to be any trouble, and just want him to be happy.  It's hard for me to remember that what makes him happy is knowing what's going on in my head.

So, I'm here.  Where I can say it "out loud" and maybe he'll see it.  And later, I might be on my knees, begging for him to hurt me more.