For me the love that I share with my girl is so integral to our relationship sometimes I'm surprised when people talk about their BDSM relationships that are so casual. I don't know if I could do the same kind of things casually that I do in a committed relationship.
Is love a requirement for D/s or M/s to work?
Before I started learning I would have said 'yes' because that was my own experience. I just couldn't do this if I didn't care about the other person - maybe love was too strong of a word, but I wouldn't collar/own a person that I didn't love. Of course I started doing the Gorean thing, so that puts me in kind of a different boat. I really knew nothing about BDSM in general until I got more serious with my current slave, so after her I haven't had any other relationships.
From how I see things now ... yeah I can see it working for D/s, but I still can't see 'part time' M/s. I guess this will depend on where you draw the line and how you distinguish these kind of labels.
Just so you know where I'm coming from -- (Keep in mind these are off the cuff personal definitions and are in no way meant to label anyone else or enforce my views on other people)
I define D/s as either a part time, or casual relationship. Both parties have requirements and get together to 'play'. Play can extend over long periods of time. Couples who classify themselves as 'vanilla' part of the time fit in here with me as well. Like they're putting on a role and 'doing' something at the time.
I define M/s as a long term committed relationship. People who likely live together, or at least see each other regularly. These people don't 'turn off' or begin 'play' sessions - when they are together they are 'inside' their M/s dynamic.
So from my above definitions you can see how D/s might fit into a more casual 'I care about you' or 'friendship' kind of relationship.
I still can't separate long term intimacy and 'love' though. I suppose I don't see an M/s relationship as existing without intimacy, because of everything that is entails. Complete surrender on the part of the submissive and complete control on the part of the Dominant. In that type of relationship the communication and caring has to be strong on both sides just to survive.
Maybe I should say a 'long term' M/s relationship requires love - so many relationships burn out quickly that perhaps that is the secret for long term happiness.
Does romance hurt the dynamic?
Well - no. I suppose if I didn't care if she was happy then I wouldn't care about romance. I'm not sure what 'hurt' is caused by me liking to see her smile. If a romantic gesture accomplishes that smile what is the problem? Does she come to expect those things? I would hope not, though if she gave me a hard time because I didn't do something romantic we might be having a discussion - this doesn't include things that are important for other reasons (anniversaries, birthdays, etc).
I suppose this is where I have put another disclaimer. I feel this way because I believe it is my job to take care of her (both mentally and physically), and not just use her for my own benefit. Part of my role is controlling and guiding, and part of it is care-taking. I suppose this makes it easier for me to give her what she 'wants' - but really if there isn't a benefit for me in denying her something, what is the true point? Just because I can? Yeah I do that, but not all the time, that's just silly.
What is love really?
Love is when you care enough about someone that their happiness is just as important as your own. In this way making them happy and fulfilling them makes you happy and fulfills you in return.
Love also involves trust. M/s relationships revolve around trust. Love requires communication - so do M/s relationships. You can see where I'm going with this ... things are so integral that it's natural to have them together.
What is love to me?
We have been through rough spots in our lives. Because I love her I've been there for her and together we've been able to work through things. I feel that together we are stronger than we would be apart.
I have a lover, a friend, someone to care for me when I'm sick or down, someone to encourage me and keep me on track - in many ways I have a partner that will share my life with me.
Does this affect our M/s Relationship?
Duh. But I believe it affects it in a positive way, not a negative one. She knows her place in our relationship, and if she pushed it I'd still be 'strong' enough to show her. I don't think being in love weakens your dominance, it can only make it stronger (more tools in the toolbox).
Just to finish with a romantic gesture - I wouldn't trade our lives for anything.
Read Her View for more information
Showing posts with label M/s. Show all posts
Showing posts with label M/s. Show all posts
Monday, 20 June 2011
Sunday, 19 June 2011
Weekend Musings: Love Connection
I've been seeing an awful lot of posts on various sites lately about love. Is it necessary to have it in an M/s relationship? Is it harmful to a D/s dynamic? How does it affect submission? Is it even possible to love a slave?
Sometimes it boggles me that people ask. For me, there is no deeper love than what I have for my Master. I can't imagine loving someone more in another relationship.
Do you have to have love in order for D/s or M/s to work?
Definitely not. I have had D/s relationships which were purely based on friendship in the past. I tend to be a bit dependent, and when I was struggling to recover from a previously abusive relationship, I had a friend step in and offer to be my shoulder and let me come to him if I had a situation I needed to talk about or needed some guidance in. This was important to me. I can function perfectly fine in any independent situation, but sometimes, particularly when it comes to personal decisions, I just don't want to have to figure one more thing out. I just want someone to tell me the right thing to do, even if I already sort of know what it is.
That kind of dynamic can work quite well, and I can see how, especially in a part time relationship, you can have simply friendship or companionship without love in D/s. But M/s is something entirely different for me.
I had submitted to others before my Master. I had never, though, truly been a slave. I had never been willing to hand over everything that I was (and willingly so, I might add), to abdicate all responsibilities, to surrender every choice, and to trust him deeply enough that I would play without a safe word. I can do all of that for one reason and one reason only; I love him.
It is because of my love for him that I am willing to give everything, but it is as much about his love for me as anything else that allows me to trust him to the extent that I do. I know how important I am to him. I know that his love for me would not allow him to cause me grievous harm, or to truly cause me psychological distress long-term (short term, oh sure, but long term? No.) I know that because he loves me, his use of me will be for mutual benefit, not just his own. I know that I am safe in his hands, and that no matter what he chooses to put me through (possibly something not of my desire, let alone of my choosing), that I will make it through it, because he would not put me onto a path he couldn't safely guide me along.
Does romance hurt the dynamic?
With us, no. I have heard some dominant men say that they cannot love a slave, because that slave will use the love against them. That isn't love; that is manipulation. Love is when another person's happiness is integral to your own. What makes my Master happy is controlling me, and so why would I try to use his love for me to get my own way? I love him, so I would never do that. There is a risk, of course. There is always a risk when you put your heart on the line that the other person will not feel the same way, or will eventually stop feeling the same way, or might possibly use your emotions against you, but that is a risk in any vanilla relationship as well. That is a risk with a friend, with a family member, with a pet that you adore. It can be a risk in M/s. But like any gamble, if the reward wasn't worth it, there wouldn't be any point in putting your money down.
Because I am loved, some have called me a spoiled slave. Mostly those people are those who have only ever experienced M/s as a slave in a Gorean chat room, who turn off the computer and go have dinner with their vanilla husband, whom they proceed to order about like a personal servant. Yes, I am indulged. Yes, if I ask for a piece of chocolate, I am rarely refused. I am often kissed. I am cuddled after bad dreams and there are many, many "I love you"s exchanged in our household. If I am sick, I am cared for, and if I am lonely or sad, there are always hugs.
Of course, because my Master loves me, he also knows some very intimate things about the workings of my head. Because I love him, my vulnerability is increased exponentially. I am easier to mess with; there is no mind fuck like the mind fuck inflicted with love, believe me. My fear is also deepened at times, and since Master loves the look of fear, this can be a fun thing for him to play with. And that's okay with me, because as mentioned previously, I know that I'm safe, no matter how scary it gets. Deep down, I know that I'll be looked after.
Because I love him, I can be whatever he needs in a woman at that moment.
Love adds a depth to our interaction that can't be replicated by other means. We recently discovered a statistic that we found rather sad; the average M/s relationship lasts seven months. Months? Really? So how have we managed to last for ten years?
Because we love one another. Our commitment to one another is deep. We are motivated to work past roadblocks and rt issues and problems that others might dismiss a relationship over. We are interested in learning and growing together instead of letting ourselves grow apart. Love is the glue that gets us through the hard times in life. I think the D/s helps us overcome the high divorce rate averages and pitfalls, and love helps us overcome the short average M/s relationship lifespan. The combination makes you bulletproof.
Read His View for more information
Sometimes it boggles me that people ask. For me, there is no deeper love than what I have for my Master. I can't imagine loving someone more in another relationship.
Do you have to have love in order for D/s or M/s to work?
Definitely not. I have had D/s relationships which were purely based on friendship in the past. I tend to be a bit dependent, and when I was struggling to recover from a previously abusive relationship, I had a friend step in and offer to be my shoulder and let me come to him if I had a situation I needed to talk about or needed some guidance in. This was important to me. I can function perfectly fine in any independent situation, but sometimes, particularly when it comes to personal decisions, I just don't want to have to figure one more thing out. I just want someone to tell me the right thing to do, even if I already sort of know what it is.
That kind of dynamic can work quite well, and I can see how, especially in a part time relationship, you can have simply friendship or companionship without love in D/s. But M/s is something entirely different for me.
I had submitted to others before my Master. I had never, though, truly been a slave. I had never been willing to hand over everything that I was (and willingly so, I might add), to abdicate all responsibilities, to surrender every choice, and to trust him deeply enough that I would play without a safe word. I can do all of that for one reason and one reason only; I love him.
It is because of my love for him that I am willing to give everything, but it is as much about his love for me as anything else that allows me to trust him to the extent that I do. I know how important I am to him. I know that his love for me would not allow him to cause me grievous harm, or to truly cause me psychological distress long-term (short term, oh sure, but long term? No.) I know that because he loves me, his use of me will be for mutual benefit, not just his own. I know that I am safe in his hands, and that no matter what he chooses to put me through (possibly something not of my desire, let alone of my choosing), that I will make it through it, because he would not put me onto a path he couldn't safely guide me along.
Does romance hurt the dynamic?
With us, no. I have heard some dominant men say that they cannot love a slave, because that slave will use the love against them. That isn't love; that is manipulation. Love is when another person's happiness is integral to your own. What makes my Master happy is controlling me, and so why would I try to use his love for me to get my own way? I love him, so I would never do that. There is a risk, of course. There is always a risk when you put your heart on the line that the other person will not feel the same way, or will eventually stop feeling the same way, or might possibly use your emotions against you, but that is a risk in any vanilla relationship as well. That is a risk with a friend, with a family member, with a pet that you adore. It can be a risk in M/s. But like any gamble, if the reward wasn't worth it, there wouldn't be any point in putting your money down.
Because I am loved, some have called me a spoiled slave. Mostly those people are those who have only ever experienced M/s as a slave in a Gorean chat room, who turn off the computer and go have dinner with their vanilla husband, whom they proceed to order about like a personal servant. Yes, I am indulged. Yes, if I ask for a piece of chocolate, I am rarely refused. I am often kissed. I am cuddled after bad dreams and there are many, many "I love you"s exchanged in our household. If I am sick, I am cared for, and if I am lonely or sad, there are always hugs.
Of course, because my Master loves me, he also knows some very intimate things about the workings of my head. Because I love him, my vulnerability is increased exponentially. I am easier to mess with; there is no mind fuck like the mind fuck inflicted with love, believe me. My fear is also deepened at times, and since Master loves the look of fear, this can be a fun thing for him to play with. And that's okay with me, because as mentioned previously, I know that I'm safe, no matter how scary it gets. Deep down, I know that I'll be looked after.
Because I love him, I can be whatever he needs in a woman at that moment.
 |
| Love; it's in everything we do. |
Because we love one another. Our commitment to one another is deep. We are motivated to work past roadblocks and rt issues and problems that others might dismiss a relationship over. We are interested in learning and growing together instead of letting ourselves grow apart. Love is the glue that gets us through the hard times in life. I think the D/s helps us overcome the high divorce rate averages and pitfalls, and love helps us overcome the short average M/s relationship lifespan. The combination makes you bulletproof.
Read His View for more information
Monday, 13 June 2011
Weekend Musings: Making Choices
Since I'm off this week I feel entitled to write my weekend post on Monday. This has nothing to do with the topic, I just have been enjoying my staycation.
I was actually pleasantly surprised about our topic this week. When we discuss these things I can lay down the 'law' so to speak but it's nice to see inside her head and know how she 'took' it and what she's doing to follow the law.
So - down to it. Taking away my decision making prowess. I'm damn good at making decisions, you suggest a problem for me and I can give you an answer. So what does that have to do with a D/s relationship? Well, my girl has agreed to hand me all her major decisions. This is just another way she is subjugated to my will. Remember I talk about control? Well what better way is there to control someone than to not allow them to make their own final decisions.
Don't get me wrong, I want her to be self sufficient in some ways and to make her own minor decisions. It just becomes work if I have to decide everything for her - some micromanagement people get off on that, so don't think that my way is the only way. Back on topic ... over time we've evolved this 'asking' process so that she knows what to ask for and what to just do on her own (getting a drink of water is done on her own, deciding what clothing to wear out of the house is approved by me).
That's the control background, now the 'asking' background.
She has always had a problem when she thinks she is being a 'burden' on me. Which basically means any time she wants to ask for something she doesn't because she just wants to make my life easier and not require anything of me. This is good in a way, I mean it's her personality meshing so well with mine that makes us get along. The problem I have is that often I never know what she is thinking/feeling/wanting at any given time. We've been together for 10 years, so I can read her pretty well, but I'm not telepathic.
When does this become a problem? When I don't necessarily have a 'preference' at any given time.
Ex: Often this occurs when we are shopping and she will stand in one place and look directly at something for a long time. Normally when she is admiring things she will touch them and look more closely, but when she 'really' wants something it's like she's afraid to touch it.
It took a while but I discovered what this actually meant and now I use that as her 'signal' for non-verbally asking for things and will make the choice on whether to purchase it or not in that moment.
Now if you look at the above, I don't really care one way or another if I get this particular item for her. Without her indicating her interest I would never know that she actually wanted the item. If she didn't indicate her interest so that I could get it for her how would I know? In effect, if she doesn't ask me she is automatically forcing me to answer 'no'. I do say 'no', but I also say 'yes' - that is my choice.
Think of it this way, pretend someone asks you something like 'How do you like the weather?' then immediately says 'Oh, you like it just fine'. Would you appreciate being told how you felt?
Now ...
For a long time we've gone on like that, I would tell her that her opinions and requests were important to me and that she should tell me what is going on in he head (that is a whole different topic, she also had issues just indicating preference or discussing what was going on in there). I'd almost gotten to the point that I had accepted it wasn't going to change and that sometimes/often she would feel bad because in her head I had refused her requests for things.
Then, not long ago we were having a discussion about choices and it hit me. What she was really doing was taking away my ability to choose for her. By internalizing the discussion in her head and not including me she was preventing me from exercising my will on her. I think this finally hit a chord with her and made sense. It wasn't just that it was 'important' that she tell me these things, it was critical, because in a (weird) way she was controlling me by not letting me make my own decisions. She was also creating a tension and maybe even an unhappiness in her every day life that wasn't necessary and could lead to larger problems in the future.
How it's going?
Things are changing slowly, I have noticed a dramatic increase in her vocalizing things that are on her mind. She has requests, preferences, and asks for things now that before I couldn't drag out of her. I know this is difficult for her and I'm proud that she is making such a conscious effort. I am hoping that the 'effort' won't be required for long, and soon it will become habit rather than forced.
Is this something you see in your own relationship? Are you controlling like I am? Maybe this is a new way to bring up an old subject for you as well. Let me know if this works out for you as well as it worked out for me.
Read Her View for more information
I was actually pleasantly surprised about our topic this week. When we discuss these things I can lay down the 'law' so to speak but it's nice to see inside her head and know how she 'took' it and what she's doing to follow the law.
So - down to it. Taking away my decision making prowess. I'm damn good at making decisions, you suggest a problem for me and I can give you an answer. So what does that have to do with a D/s relationship? Well, my girl has agreed to hand me all her major decisions. This is just another way she is subjugated to my will. Remember I talk about control? Well what better way is there to control someone than to not allow them to make their own final decisions.
Don't get me wrong, I want her to be self sufficient in some ways and to make her own minor decisions. It just becomes work if I have to decide everything for her - some micromanagement people get off on that, so don't think that my way is the only way. Back on topic ... over time we've evolved this 'asking' process so that she knows what to ask for and what to just do on her own (getting a drink of water is done on her own, deciding what clothing to wear out of the house is approved by me).
That's the control background, now the 'asking' background.
She has always had a problem when she thinks she is being a 'burden' on me. Which basically means any time she wants to ask for something she doesn't because she just wants to make my life easier and not require anything of me. This is good in a way, I mean it's her personality meshing so well with mine that makes us get along. The problem I have is that often I never know what she is thinking/feeling/wanting at any given time. We've been together for 10 years, so I can read her pretty well, but I'm not telepathic.
When does this become a problem? When I don't necessarily have a 'preference' at any given time.
Ex: Often this occurs when we are shopping and she will stand in one place and look directly at something for a long time. Normally when she is admiring things she will touch them and look more closely, but when she 'really' wants something it's like she's afraid to touch it.
It took a while but I discovered what this actually meant and now I use that as her 'signal' for non-verbally asking for things and will make the choice on whether to purchase it or not in that moment.
Now if you look at the above, I don't really care one way or another if I get this particular item for her. Without her indicating her interest I would never know that she actually wanted the item. If she didn't indicate her interest so that I could get it for her how would I know? In effect, if she doesn't ask me she is automatically forcing me to answer 'no'. I do say 'no', but I also say 'yes' - that is my choice.
Think of it this way, pretend someone asks you something like 'How do you like the weather?' then immediately says 'Oh, you like it just fine'. Would you appreciate being told how you felt?
Now ...
For a long time we've gone on like that, I would tell her that her opinions and requests were important to me and that she should tell me what is going on in he head (that is a whole different topic, she also had issues just indicating preference or discussing what was going on in there). I'd almost gotten to the point that I had accepted it wasn't going to change and that sometimes/often she would feel bad because in her head I had refused her requests for things.
Then, not long ago we were having a discussion about choices and it hit me. What she was really doing was taking away my ability to choose for her. By internalizing the discussion in her head and not including me she was preventing me from exercising my will on her. I think this finally hit a chord with her and made sense. It wasn't just that it was 'important' that she tell me these things, it was critical, because in a (weird) way she was controlling me by not letting me make my own decisions. She was also creating a tension and maybe even an unhappiness in her every day life that wasn't necessary and could lead to larger problems in the future.
How it's going?
Things are changing slowly, I have noticed a dramatic increase in her vocalizing things that are on her mind. She has requests, preferences, and asks for things now that before I couldn't drag out of her. I know this is difficult for her and I'm proud that she is making such a conscious effort. I am hoping that the 'effort' won't be required for long, and soon it will become habit rather than forced.
Is this something you see in your own relationship? Are you controlling like I am? Maybe this is a new way to bring up an old subject for you as well. Let me know if this works out for you as well as it worked out for me.
Read Her View for more information
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Weekend Musings: Taking the Choice Away
There have been some discussions lately about how I've been taking choices away from my Master.
Yes, you read that right. Taking decisions and choices away from him, not the other way around.
"But I thought you were such a great slave!" you're probably thinking. Well, maybe not, but I can dream.
Here's my problem: I don't want to be any trouble. Because of that, I have a long history of not asking for the things I want. I'll think to myself, "Nah, I don't really need hair color. I can wait two more weeks. So what if it makes me miserable. I'll wait until the last second I can stand it to ask." Or, "I really want that craft item/orgasm/piece of chocolate... but it's too expensive/too much trouble." I won't ask. In my own way, I was choosing not to ask because I thought that was my little way of making life easier for my Master.
The problem was, I was also taking away his opportunity to choose. I was making the decision in his place that I didn't deserve whatever thing it was I wanted. He might say yes, he might say no, but I was choosing no in his place. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. I had never placed it in that context, mentally, for myself. I was shocked.
This happens in bed, too. I mentioned orgasms earlier, but the truth is, all around I give very little feedback, because I am constantly striving to be pleasing. So, I'll do anything he wants, and I'll generally have a very, very good time, and even if I really really wanted him to swat me with the belt or use the brush on me, or grab those nipple clamps, I would figure that when it came right down to it, since I didn't have final say, it was silly to bug him with my own wants.
Oh, but yeah. There again, I was choosing for him. He can read me pretty well, and sometimes he can figure out just from my body language what it is I want or need, but in that case, I'm requiring him to attempt using a psychic gift and making his life harder than easier, the latter of which was actually my goal.
Oops.
This isn't to say there aren't many decisions that I hand over without a second
thought. If he chooses something for me to wear, or the perfume I use, or what I am to eat in a restaurant, I never hesitate. I would never object. But in these small things, I take away his choices, when our original agreement was that I would hand over my choices to him. By not letting him know there is even a choice being made, I am being dishonest in our relationship, in a way. Not a huge way, and probably not a destructive way, but in one of those little ways that can pile up over time and create a slow leak in your M/s dynamic which eventually becomes an overwhelming tidal wave.
How am I working on it?
Very simple. I'm trying very hard, every time we have a sexual interaction, to vocalize at least one thing I want. Whether or not I get it is not really the issue. Sometimes I even ask for more than one thing. (This doesn't include orgasms; I always have been required to ask for these, and that hasn't and won't change) Sometimes it's a toy or technique or position, whatever it is that I really want. I let him choose whether or not I'm to get it.
More often than not, there are a hundred little choices per day I can also hand over. I'm very sure that there are some he doesn't want to make. For example, I'm not going to start asking him whether I should have a Coke Zero or a Diet Coke with Lime, but I do ask him if I may have a piece of chocolate. I don't ask him if I should read this book or that book next, but I will ask him if we can watch a certain movie in the evening. I try to also do this at least once per day, making a real effort to take those internal dialogues out of my head and putting them into the open.
Are there hidden decisions you're making day to day, choices that you are taking away from your Master? Consider each time you choose not to ask, whether or not you are actually making a choice.
Read His View for more information
Yes, you read that right. Taking decisions and choices away from him, not the other way around.
"But I thought you were such a great slave!" you're probably thinking. Well, maybe not, but I can dream.
Here's my problem: I don't want to be any trouble. Because of that, I have a long history of not asking for the things I want. I'll think to myself, "Nah, I don't really need hair color. I can wait two more weeks. So what if it makes me miserable. I'll wait until the last second I can stand it to ask." Or, "I really want that craft item/orgasm/piece of chocolate... but it's too expensive/too much trouble." I won't ask. In my own way, I was choosing not to ask because I thought that was my little way of making life easier for my Master.
The problem was, I was also taking away his opportunity to choose. I was making the decision in his place that I didn't deserve whatever thing it was I wanted. He might say yes, he might say no, but I was choosing no in his place. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. I had never placed it in that context, mentally, for myself. I was shocked.
This happens in bed, too. I mentioned orgasms earlier, but the truth is, all around I give very little feedback, because I am constantly striving to be pleasing. So, I'll do anything he wants, and I'll generally have a very, very good time, and even if I really really wanted him to swat me with the belt or use the brush on me, or grab those nipple clamps, I would figure that when it came right down to it, since I didn't have final say, it was silly to bug him with my own wants.
Oh, but yeah. There again, I was choosing for him. He can read me pretty well, and sometimes he can figure out just from my body language what it is I want or need, but in that case, I'm requiring him to attempt using a psychic gift and making his life harder than easier, the latter of which was actually my goal.
Oops.
thought. If he chooses something for me to wear, or the perfume I use, or what I am to eat in a restaurant, I never hesitate. I would never object. But in these small things, I take away his choices, when our original agreement was that I would hand over my choices to him. By not letting him know there is even a choice being made, I am being dishonest in our relationship, in a way. Not a huge way, and probably not a destructive way, but in one of those little ways that can pile up over time and create a slow leak in your M/s dynamic which eventually becomes an overwhelming tidal wave.
How am I working on it?
Very simple. I'm trying very hard, every time we have a sexual interaction, to vocalize at least one thing I want. Whether or not I get it is not really the issue. Sometimes I even ask for more than one thing. (This doesn't include orgasms; I always have been required to ask for these, and that hasn't and won't change) Sometimes it's a toy or technique or position, whatever it is that I really want. I let him choose whether or not I'm to get it.
More often than not, there are a hundred little choices per day I can also hand over. I'm very sure that there are some he doesn't want to make. For example, I'm not going to start asking him whether I should have a Coke Zero or a Diet Coke with Lime, but I do ask him if I may have a piece of chocolate. I don't ask him if I should read this book or that book next, but I will ask him if we can watch a certain movie in the evening. I try to also do this at least once per day, making a real effort to take those internal dialogues out of my head and putting them into the open.
Are there hidden decisions you're making day to day, choices that you are taking away from your Master? Consider each time you choose not to ask, whether or not you are actually making a choice.
Read His View for more information
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Technique Tuesday: Permission to Go
A form of something like this has come up for us a few times in our relationship. In your every day life there aren't many things that are as necessary as using the bathroom. Having to get permission before doing such can be almost as extreme as getting permission to breathe - because there really is a point where you either have to do it, or something bad is going to happen.
I don't remember exactly how things turned out in the past - I do remember that it didn't go well, and for a while I just assumed it was something that wasn't going to work for us. Then, one day, my girl brought it up again as something we should try integrating into our dynamic. Generally I'm always up to attempting control over another part of her life.
I had to think about it though, since I'd be the one 'in charge' I had to come up with the rules and protocol that we were going to follow and make it something that we could both live with. I always try to keep things simple, so our rules are the same way. If we're in the same room she has to ask me to leave it. At home she always has to ask to go to the bathroom even if we're in separate rooms. If we're chatting on messenger she has to ask me to leave the computer - after 15 minutes if she hasn't gotten an answer she has permission to go because I'm obviously busy.
Why?
Well there are always multiple reasons - the main one for me is the control. Any time I can withhold permission for her to do something is another time I can exercise my control over her and have her show her submission to my will. I think something a lot of people miss because of the huge sexual focus is that (especially) D/s doesn't have to have anything to do with sex.
With that control I get a reaction - that reaction can either be relief and gratitude because I've given permission, or it can shock and indignation when I refuse. Interestingly saying 'no' brings about a 'how dare you' kind of reaction more often than not. Usually followed by an exasperated huff. I find it cute, which I think makes her even more exasperated.
I've noticed that depending on what we're doing that desperation of 'I MUST' go right -now- seems to come on at different speeds. Putting her on a clock really doesn't do much good. So far I'm still trying to get a 'feel' for how things go, since it hasn't been that long since we started again I haven't started to probe too deeply into this yet.
Also - I admit that I have to keep my amusement contained after flipping over to my MSN window at work and seeing a string of messages over a 15 minute span of time that move from 'asking' quickly into 'begging' then 'desperation' as she realizes that no matter what she says I'm probably not going to come back in time to tell her to go and shes going to have to wait.
The sexual arousal thing from pressing on the G-spot doesn't really dominate my thinking. I see it as a side effect and mild benefit. I didn't even know anything about it until my girl mentioned omorashi to me - I think that's actually what started the conversation in the first place.
How's it work?
I touched on things briefly - normally face to face there is the 'surprise' that I say 'no'. Now I say no just to get the face (guess my secret is going to be out on that one now). I still find it kind of funny that this is something she asked for and when I exercise the control (rather than just giving instant permission) she get that 'I want to cross my arms and tap my foot' body language going.
Again - I haven't tested the limits much (at least not on purpose). The other day she got pretty desperate while waiting for the 15 minutes while I was at work (she'd waited too long to ask in the first place). The problem with testing limits is I'm not really interested in cleaning up accidents, and I don't want her to get cramps from holding it in too long. Neither of those things are fun, or sexy. Well ... accidents might happen, but that would be a specific instance, and not something I'd want as a 'real' accident. Also - when you think about it - a lot of the time you're going to the bathroom before doing an activity, and making her wait is also making me wait to perform said activity (going out to dinner, or for a walk, having sex).
It can be a trip, but it's a double 'hit' for me. I love control, and I love desperation and begging. If you're like me, this is definitely something you should take a look at.
Read Her View for more information
I don't remember exactly how things turned out in the past - I do remember that it didn't go well, and for a while I just assumed it was something that wasn't going to work for us. Then, one day, my girl brought it up again as something we should try integrating into our dynamic. Generally I'm always up to attempting control over another part of her life.
I had to think about it though, since I'd be the one 'in charge' I had to come up with the rules and protocol that we were going to follow and make it something that we could both live with. I always try to keep things simple, so our rules are the same way. If we're in the same room she has to ask me to leave it. At home she always has to ask to go to the bathroom even if we're in separate rooms. If we're chatting on messenger she has to ask me to leave the computer - after 15 minutes if she hasn't gotten an answer she has permission to go because I'm obviously busy.Why?
Well there are always multiple reasons - the main one for me is the control. Any time I can withhold permission for her to do something is another time I can exercise my control over her and have her show her submission to my will. I think something a lot of people miss because of the huge sexual focus is that (especially) D/s doesn't have to have anything to do with sex.
With that control I get a reaction - that reaction can either be relief and gratitude because I've given permission, or it can shock and indignation when I refuse. Interestingly saying 'no' brings about a 'how dare you' kind of reaction more often than not. Usually followed by an exasperated huff. I find it cute, which I think makes her even more exasperated.
I've noticed that depending on what we're doing that desperation of 'I MUST' go right -now- seems to come on at different speeds. Putting her on a clock really doesn't do much good. So far I'm still trying to get a 'feel' for how things go, since it hasn't been that long since we started again I haven't started to probe too deeply into this yet.
Also - I admit that I have to keep my amusement contained after flipping over to my MSN window at work and seeing a string of messages over a 15 minute span of time that move from 'asking' quickly into 'begging' then 'desperation' as she realizes that no matter what she says I'm probably not going to come back in time to tell her to go and shes going to have to wait.
The sexual arousal thing from pressing on the G-spot doesn't really dominate my thinking. I see it as a side effect and mild benefit. I didn't even know anything about it until my girl mentioned omorashi to me - I think that's actually what started the conversation in the first place.
How's it work?
I touched on things briefly - normally face to face there is the 'surprise' that I say 'no'. Now I say no just to get the face (guess my secret is going to be out on that one now). I still find it kind of funny that this is something she asked for and when I exercise the control (rather than just giving instant permission) she get that 'I want to cross my arms and tap my foot' body language going.
Again - I haven't tested the limits much (at least not on purpose). The other day she got pretty desperate while waiting for the 15 minutes while I was at work (she'd waited too long to ask in the first place). The problem with testing limits is I'm not really interested in cleaning up accidents, and I don't want her to get cramps from holding it in too long. Neither of those things are fun, or sexy. Well ... accidents might happen, but that would be a specific instance, and not something I'd want as a 'real' accident. Also - when you think about it - a lot of the time you're going to the bathroom before doing an activity, and making her wait is also making me wait to perform said activity (going out to dinner, or for a walk, having sex).
It can be a trip, but it's a double 'hit' for me. I love control, and I love desperation and begging. If you're like me, this is definitely something you should take a look at.
Read Her View for more information
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Technique Tuesday: Bathroom Use Control
One of the most intimate activities of humans is that which takes place in the bathroom. We close doors for a reason. Potty training reinforces the control we're to have in this area, and as we learn to become self-sufficient human beings, we begin to control our own bathroom use and the privacy therein.
Unless.
Unless of course, you are a slave, who hands all decisions over to her Master, and he decides that he'd like to use control over your bathroom use as one way to assert his ownership over you.
To be fair, this is actually something I requested in our lives. It is, to me, a very intimate way of connecting to your slave, and to her animal instincts and urges. As a pet owner, I control when my dog gets to go outside to do her business; if I'm busy, even if she asks nicely, she may have to wait a few minutes. Why should it be any different for me, as a slave animal, when my owner is around?
Our rules around bathroom use are simple; if we are in the same room, I must ask to leave the room (which includes going to the bathroom), if he is home, I must ask to use the bathroom, and if we have messenger open on the computer while he is at work, I must ask to use the bathroom. In the case of him being at work, if there is no answer, I am to wait fifteen minutes and then go. Sometimes I wait longer, just because I'd rather wait for him to return. Sometimes, if I am involved in something and don't ask until the need is urgent, that fifteen minutes is pure agony.
So, what's fun about it?
Well, other than the basics of being controlled, squirming desperate begging girls are one of my Master's biggest turn-ons. Sometimes I think he loves seeing the ever-more-desperate messages on IM when I really have to go and he's away working. (I like to beg the fifteen minutes away just in case he comes back to have mercy early). The visual aspect, in person, is not to be easily dismissed either. Wriggling around and squeezing your thighs together can look remarkably similar to sexual arousal in some respects.
Desperation can come on quickly or slowly, depending on how much liquid has been consumed, and of course a slave is very vulnerable to torture when in this position, either by being forced to drink more liquid, or by pressing on her already full bladder. It's a great time for humiliation as well, and imagine the horror at being taken out in public while incredibly desperate!
Additionally, a full bladder presses on the interior of the G-spot, so that pressure from an increasingly enlarged and full bladder can cause sexual arousal. Who'd have thought? Well, the Japanese for one, who have a whole fetish, omorashi, revolving around women with full bladders. They have a game show about it, where girls compete to hold out the longest, and it has a huge anime/manga subculture attached to it. Just think, all those desperate girls who only need to find the right Dom to beg for their release from! Oh, bathroom release of course. We'll have to talk about begging for the other kind of release another time.
So, what's it like in practice?
It can be intense. It can be a big turn-on, though it's hard for me to define whether it's giving over control that sets my motor humming or whether it's the physical sensation of that press on the G-spot. There is definitely some sort of physical component involved, though it may be friction from all the squirming and the concentration on muscle control. I don't enjoy holding it so long that I end up with cramps, or so long that I completely lose control, though who knows if Master will push me that far some day. The thought both frightens and excites me.
It's important to be aware that if you are prone to frequent kidney or bladder infections, have a UTI, or kidney disease, or any other disorder where holding your urine could cause medical problems that bathroom use control is not for you. Like any other BDSM activity, your own mental and physical health should come before kink. It helps if you do regular kegel exercises, which will greatly increase both your control and your comfort.
If you're unsure, give it a try on a limited basis. It might be your thing, and you might like that squirmy intensity.
Read His View for more information
Unless.
Unless of course, you are a slave, who hands all decisions over to her Master, and he decides that he'd like to use control over your bathroom use as one way to assert his ownership over you.
To be fair, this is actually something I requested in our lives. It is, to me, a very intimate way of connecting to your slave, and to her animal instincts and urges. As a pet owner, I control when my dog gets to go outside to do her business; if I'm busy, even if she asks nicely, she may have to wait a few minutes. Why should it be any different for me, as a slave animal, when my owner is around?
Our rules around bathroom use are simple; if we are in the same room, I must ask to leave the room (which includes going to the bathroom), if he is home, I must ask to use the bathroom, and if we have messenger open on the computer while he is at work, I must ask to use the bathroom. In the case of him being at work, if there is no answer, I am to wait fifteen minutes and then go. Sometimes I wait longer, just because I'd rather wait for him to return. Sometimes, if I am involved in something and don't ask until the need is urgent, that fifteen minutes is pure agony.
So, what's fun about it?
Well, other than the basics of being controlled, squirming desperate begging girls are one of my Master's biggest turn-ons. Sometimes I think he loves seeing the ever-more-desperate messages on IM when I really have to go and he's away working. (I like to beg the fifteen minutes away just in case he comes back to have mercy early). The visual aspect, in person, is not to be easily dismissed either. Wriggling around and squeezing your thighs together can look remarkably similar to sexual arousal in some respects.Desperation can come on quickly or slowly, depending on how much liquid has been consumed, and of course a slave is very vulnerable to torture when in this position, either by being forced to drink more liquid, or by pressing on her already full bladder. It's a great time for humiliation as well, and imagine the horror at being taken out in public while incredibly desperate!
So, what's it like in practice?
It can be intense. It can be a big turn-on, though it's hard for me to define whether it's giving over control that sets my motor humming or whether it's the physical sensation of that press on the G-spot. There is definitely some sort of physical component involved, though it may be friction from all the squirming and the concentration on muscle control. I don't enjoy holding it so long that I end up with cramps, or so long that I completely lose control, though who knows if Master will push me that far some day. The thought both frightens and excites me.
It's important to be aware that if you are prone to frequent kidney or bladder infections, have a UTI, or kidney disease, or any other disorder where holding your urine could cause medical problems that bathroom use control is not for you. Like any other BDSM activity, your own mental and physical health should come before kink. It helps if you do regular kegel exercises, which will greatly increase both your control and your comfort.
If you're unsure, give it a try on a limited basis. It might be your thing, and you might like that squirmy intensity.
Read His View for more information
Sunday, 29 May 2011
Weekend Musings: Comparing Rule Lists
So this week we're looking at rules - this probably stems from a few of my posts making fun of people this last week who are asking for 'rule' sets on what to do with their slaves. I find this way more prevalent with people who have been mostly online and are trying to move into real life. Apparently online the only important thing to have is rules, they have to fill a person's whole life - which you know, is probably 3 or 4 hours a day that they spend online. 'Real' people have 24 hours that have to be filled, I guess that can be quite daunting and you might want to ask around to get ideas.
Of course - just as a side note - if you aren't creative enough to make up rules that are going to make you happy ... you probably deserve to be unhappy with the weird ass rules that other people give you. I made up some garbage about having a list with 103 rules for all true slaves and had more people than I expected message me to get the full list (I was being sarcastic - I do that). I told them all to send me their $10 membership fee and I'd send the list over with their welcome package. Hey if I made $100 out of it I'd actually sit down and write a whole damn list.
So, you may think that I have a problem with rules - but you'd be wrong. I love rules - but I only love rules that make sense to 'me'. We don't have a lot of rules in our household, which works for us. Not that we haven't tried, it just didn't work out. You know that when it takes more work to make the rules and upkeep them that you have too many. Micromanagement might sound interesting to some of you, like having everything predetermined or done a certain way all the time, but it just drove me crazy. You also may not think of it, but changing rules is almost as bad as not having them - especially if you're changing them a lot. Suddenly rules aren't rules - I mean if you're not going to follow them, why have them? That is my point.
The rules we do have? She does what I tell her, shes allowed to ask for clarification, or 'why' if she thinks I'm being arbitrary about 'how' I want something done. So basically she can question my method but not my reasons. She can ask for the reasons, but they aren't up for debate.
Whoa, 1 rule? Yeah, that's all you really need. Some other 'rules' have stemmed from that, but they came up naturally over time, I didn't sit down one day and say 'ok, here are all the rules that I want you to follow'. We were just sitting around one day and I was like 'ok, from now on I'd like X' - and just like God called things into being, I do the same thing.
The real problem? I can't tell other people how to live their lives. Well, correction, I 'shouldn't' tell people how to live their lives, and if I do they damn well should know better than to listen to anything I say. Just because this makes me happy doesn't mean it's going to make anyone else happy - and if it will make them happy? I figure they should know what they want already. I mean, if I wanted a chocolate bar and having one would make me happy, I'd go get one. I wouldn't go ask someone - hey, what makes you happy ... then when they tell me drinking organic shakes is what makes them happy go buy one of those instead.
I suppose I can see the argument, something along the lines of 'maybe I don't know what I want'. Ok - then why do you want it? I don't wander around asking people why my stomach feels empty - I know I'm hungry. When I'm hungry I eat something. Same thing should go for rules - if she is (or isn't) doing something you want ( or don't want ) then correct the behaviour with a rule. That should be pretty simple reasoning. There is a difference between just asking a general question (Hey are there any rules for what I should do with my slave around bed time?) and saying 'Hey, I'm thinking of instituting a bedtime ritual for X, and I'm going to have her do Y - do any of you do something similar and how does that work for you?'
I feel like I've been belabouring the same point and and typing in circles so I'm going to cut off there. My bottom line is really quite simple - Do what works for you. You don't have to do everything at once, relationships evolve. Don't be afraid to re-evaluate what you are doing to make both of you happy.
Read Her View for more information
Of course - just as a side note - if you aren't creative enough to make up rules that are going to make you happy ... you probably deserve to be unhappy with the weird ass rules that other people give you. I made up some garbage about having a list with 103 rules for all true slaves and had more people than I expected message me to get the full list (I was being sarcastic - I do that). I told them all to send me their $10 membership fee and I'd send the list over with their welcome package. Hey if I made $100 out of it I'd actually sit down and write a whole damn list.
So, you may think that I have a problem with rules - but you'd be wrong. I love rules - but I only love rules that make sense to 'me'. We don't have a lot of rules in our household, which works for us. Not that we haven't tried, it just didn't work out. You know that when it takes more work to make the rules and upkeep them that you have too many. Micromanagement might sound interesting to some of you, like having everything predetermined or done a certain way all the time, but it just drove me crazy. You also may not think of it, but changing rules is almost as bad as not having them - especially if you're changing them a lot. Suddenly rules aren't rules - I mean if you're not going to follow them, why have them? That is my point.
The rules we do have? She does what I tell her, shes allowed to ask for clarification, or 'why' if she thinks I'm being arbitrary about 'how' I want something done. So basically she can question my method but not my reasons. She can ask for the reasons, but they aren't up for debate.
Whoa, 1 rule? Yeah, that's all you really need. Some other 'rules' have stemmed from that, but they came up naturally over time, I didn't sit down one day and say 'ok, here are all the rules that I want you to follow'. We were just sitting around one day and I was like 'ok, from now on I'd like X' - and just like God called things into being, I do the same thing.
The real problem? I can't tell other people how to live their lives. Well, correction, I 'shouldn't' tell people how to live their lives, and if I do they damn well should know better than to listen to anything I say. Just because this makes me happy doesn't mean it's going to make anyone else happy - and if it will make them happy? I figure they should know what they want already. I mean, if I wanted a chocolate bar and having one would make me happy, I'd go get one. I wouldn't go ask someone - hey, what makes you happy ... then when they tell me drinking organic shakes is what makes them happy go buy one of those instead.
I suppose I can see the argument, something along the lines of 'maybe I don't know what I want'. Ok - then why do you want it? I don't wander around asking people why my stomach feels empty - I know I'm hungry. When I'm hungry I eat something. Same thing should go for rules - if she is (or isn't) doing something you want ( or don't want ) then correct the behaviour with a rule. That should be pretty simple reasoning. There is a difference between just asking a general question (Hey are there any rules for what I should do with my slave around bed time?) and saying 'Hey, I'm thinking of instituting a bedtime ritual for X, and I'm going to have her do Y - do any of you do something similar and how does that work for you?'
I feel like I've been belabouring the same point and and typing in circles so I'm going to cut off there. My bottom line is really quite simple - Do what works for you. You don't have to do everything at once, relationships evolve. Don't be afraid to re-evaluate what you are doing to make both of you happy.
Read Her View for more information
Weekend Musings: Rules and Protocol
One of the things I see a lot of online are people who are new to D/s, who are looking for a be-all, end-all list of rules for their submissive or slave to follow. I do understand wanting to do everything "right" when you start out, and wanting to have a dynamic that works, but unfortunately there is no quick and dirty instant set of D/s rules and behaviours that are going to work for everyone.
I know there are multiple lists of "slave rules" and "submissive rules" circulating on the internet. I also know there are Gorean rules, and Leather rules and "Old Guard" rules. There are rules for different types of submissives and lists of the different types. So, who's right? Well, all of them are. And none of them are.
The thing is, that no set of rules is going to be right for everyone. There's a list of 128 slave rules that is pretty well circulated, and includes an awful lot of rules that would spell disaster for us. I get to leave my Master whenever I want and he always has to take me back? No. I have to have my nipples and labia pierced? Yeah, Master doesn't like the idea of someone messing with his toys. I get a safe word I can use whenever I want? I threatened to use it when it was time to do the dishes when I read that one. Muahaha.
There's really only one rule that should be required in any D/s relationship: Do what the Dominant partner says. For every couple that's going to be something completely different. For the two of us, the protocols are simple and have developed and evolved over our ten years together. I walk a step behind him (or sometimes a bit more) when we're walking together. We may be side by side, but I'm slightly behind his shoulder, with my hand tucked through his arm or holding his hand. I don't start eating until he does. I ask to leave the room, even if it's just to go to the bathroom or check on the laundry. I take care of the housework and anything additional he asks me to do in the morning (book appointments, research something, etc). I prepare a menu for approval every week, then prepare the shopping list. I feed the animals, take the dog outside, and brush and groom them. He chooses my clothing if we're going out. During various times, I may be assigned extra things to do if we're busy, or fewer things to do if I'm ill. Always, I do things to his desires, such as choosing foods he likes to make instead of ones I'd prefer. Always, I do these things to please him.
He doesn't need to micromanage me. We went through a phase of that early on in the relationship. We had a million rules, for everything from how to get into bed at night to how to do the dishes. And you know what happened? We both hated it. It's a great fantasy, that you can make a rule for anything and it's always obeyed, every moment of the day planned by someone else, no decisions to make, but in reality, it totally ... sucks. What if this morning I want to put in the laundry before I unload the dishwasher? What if it's Wednesday and I want to wear a skirt, because it's hot, but it's slacks day? It's crazy to have a bunch of inflexible rules, and just makes you miserable in the long run.
Still, which rules are important and which make you crazy is going to change from couple to couple. Sometimes, when you are learning how the Dominant partner wants things, it helps to have rules. For example, in planning the menu, it helps to know that beans and spinach are forbidden, and salads and tomatoes encouraged. There are preferences, but these need not be made into hard and fast rules. The best way is your way, no one elses. Make your own rules, and watch your relationship grow in the most beautiful ways. Rules can bring you closer when they're personalized just for you.
Read His View for more information
I know there are multiple lists of "slave rules" and "submissive rules" circulating on the internet. I also know there are Gorean rules, and Leather rules and "Old Guard" rules. There are rules for different types of submissives and lists of the different types. So, who's right? Well, all of them are. And none of them are.
The thing is, that no set of rules is going to be right for everyone. There's a list of 128 slave rules that is pretty well circulated, and includes an awful lot of rules that would spell disaster for us. I get to leave my Master whenever I want and he always has to take me back? No. I have to have my nipples and labia pierced? Yeah, Master doesn't like the idea of someone messing with his toys. I get a safe word I can use whenever I want? I threatened to use it when it was time to do the dishes when I read that one. Muahaha.There's really only one rule that should be required in any D/s relationship: Do what the Dominant partner says. For every couple that's going to be something completely different. For the two of us, the protocols are simple and have developed and evolved over our ten years together. I walk a step behind him (or sometimes a bit more) when we're walking together. We may be side by side, but I'm slightly behind his shoulder, with my hand tucked through his arm or holding his hand. I don't start eating until he does. I ask to leave the room, even if it's just to go to the bathroom or check on the laundry. I take care of the housework and anything additional he asks me to do in the morning (book appointments, research something, etc). I prepare a menu for approval every week, then prepare the shopping list. I feed the animals, take the dog outside, and brush and groom them. He chooses my clothing if we're going out. During various times, I may be assigned extra things to do if we're busy, or fewer things to do if I'm ill. Always, I do things to his desires, such as choosing foods he likes to make instead of ones I'd prefer. Always, I do these things to please him.
He doesn't need to micromanage me. We went through a phase of that early on in the relationship. We had a million rules, for everything from how to get into bed at night to how to do the dishes. And you know what happened? We both hated it. It's a great fantasy, that you can make a rule for anything and it's always obeyed, every moment of the day planned by someone else, no decisions to make, but in reality, it totally ... sucks. What if this morning I want to put in the laundry before I unload the dishwasher? What if it's Wednesday and I want to wear a skirt, because it's hot, but it's slacks day? It's crazy to have a bunch of inflexible rules, and just makes you miserable in the long run.
Still, which rules are important and which make you crazy is going to change from couple to couple. Sometimes, when you are learning how the Dominant partner wants things, it helps to have rules. For example, in planning the menu, it helps to know that beans and spinach are forbidden, and salads and tomatoes encouraged. There are preferences, but these need not be made into hard and fast rules. The best way is your way, no one elses. Make your own rules, and watch your relationship grow in the most beautiful ways. Rules can bring you closer when they're personalized just for you.
Read His View for more information
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Weekend Musings: Punishment Dynamics
Recently we've been seeing a lot about punishments. How, why, when, what for? There is a huge spectrum of people out there and they all have individual opinions on the subject. The question that made this stick in my head was one asking 'do you have punishment in your dynamic'. It actually drew me into the conversation, because we don't 'really' have a use for punishment. Not that I wouldn't punish her if she was directly disrespectful to me, or a myriad of other reasons. Rather, lately, or for a long time actually, she just hasn't done anything 'wrong'.
Now I really prefer it that way, I don't like punishment. I don't think she should like it either. She isn't perfect, but she doesn't have to be. As humans I understand that we make mistakes, and forget things. There is a reason they are called -mistakes-. How do you punish someone for something like that? I suppose you 'can', but what is the result? I don't believe you can make people perfect, everyone has flaws - sometimes you just have to accept that. I'd much rather reward and reinforce positive behaviour.
This isn't to say that when she forgets I just smile and shrug and we have an 'aw shucks' moment. Sometimes it affects me, sometimes I get angry. We have a talk, I say something like 'you can't do things like this'. She agrees, she says she'll try harder. Depending on what happened we have a discussion on how to avoid this thing in the future. Generally - it doesn't happen again - or if it does it's so far apart that I don't remember the last time. For me that's the end of it.
Recently I asked her - 'do you feel like I let you get away with things?'. To which she responded 'no - not really'. Well the 'not really' kind of caught me, it wasn't a flat no, was I not doing my job?
What we've been discussing lately is the probability that she 'needs' that punishment. Now this isn't a new concept, just one that I haven't given much thought. I admit until lately that I hadn't really considered her mental process. I thought that the forgiveness step was enough, that if I told her it was ok, that I wasn't still angry with her, it would be over. Since I can't read her mind I didn't know there was another step involved, and since she doesn't always tell me how shes feeling (god knows I've tried to get her to - this is one thing we continue to work on) sometimes I just don't know what's going on in her head. Maybe one day I'll tell you about the time I had her vocalize her internal monologue, even hearing what she is thinking I don't understand it.
Anyway - what we think the root of the problem is? Her Catholic childhood. I'm good any time I can blame religious upbringing, so I agree.
From what she's told me there is a cycle, something along the lines of - 'Do Wrong', Confess, Be punished, Forgiveness, Absolution. Now generally we're good on the first two steps. She's always come running to me immediately after she does something she knows I won't agree with. We met online, and this behaviour started there. I've always appreciated that about her personality, if she does something 'wrong' I'd much rather she came to me rather than having to discover it on my own, or from someone else. I think this stems from early in our relationship when I told her that I wanted to know everything about her, and hiding anything from me was against the rules.
The problem comes in with the punishment step, sometimes I think she doesn't 'deserve' it - apparently she always thinks she deserves it. We joke about her Catholic guilt, but it's true - she feels guilty about everything, and never lets it go. Now that I understand the cycle, I'm more able to help her through the process. Since I believe it's my job to keep her mental state healthy as well as her physical state this is a great piece of the puzzle.
So what makes a punishment?
Well her last one involved a time out in the corner. Since she was mostly having a mental issue I figured this would give her time to go over it without interruption. I haven't asked if it worked, because that would defeat the purpose. The punishment is over, the action that caused it is in the past and there isn't any point worrying about it further.
Lots of things make a punishment, in fact anything that a person dislikes can be a punishment if they are forced to do it. I suppose cleaning the bathroom could be a punishment, but I'm not sure how that would work. I'm also a firm believer in the 'punishment should fit the crime' saying. Generally if you look at 'the crime' you can think of something fitting that might reinforce a good behaviour and punish the bad.
When a punishment is over -
If you do have a punishment dynamic in your relationship I hope you don't neglect the last steps - forgiveness, and absolution. It is just as important for you to say the words as it is for you to hand out the punishment. Just finishing the punishment and expecting it to be over is naive. You s-type is people too, make sure they get the honey after the stick.
Read Her View for more information
Now I really prefer it that way, I don't like punishment. I don't think she should like it either. She isn't perfect, but she doesn't have to be. As humans I understand that we make mistakes, and forget things. There is a reason they are called -mistakes-. How do you punish someone for something like that? I suppose you 'can', but what is the result? I don't believe you can make people perfect, everyone has flaws - sometimes you just have to accept that. I'd much rather reward and reinforce positive behaviour.
This isn't to say that when she forgets I just smile and shrug and we have an 'aw shucks' moment. Sometimes it affects me, sometimes I get angry. We have a talk, I say something like 'you can't do things like this'. She agrees, she says she'll try harder. Depending on what happened we have a discussion on how to avoid this thing in the future. Generally - it doesn't happen again - or if it does it's so far apart that I don't remember the last time. For me that's the end of it.
Recently I asked her - 'do you feel like I let you get away with things?'. To which she responded 'no - not really'. Well the 'not really' kind of caught me, it wasn't a flat no, was I not doing my job?
What we've been discussing lately is the probability that she 'needs' that punishment. Now this isn't a new concept, just one that I haven't given much thought. I admit until lately that I hadn't really considered her mental process. I thought that the forgiveness step was enough, that if I told her it was ok, that I wasn't still angry with her, it would be over. Since I can't read her mind I didn't know there was another step involved, and since she doesn't always tell me how shes feeling (god knows I've tried to get her to - this is one thing we continue to work on) sometimes I just don't know what's going on in her head. Maybe one day I'll tell you about the time I had her vocalize her internal monologue, even hearing what she is thinking I don't understand it.
Anyway - what we think the root of the problem is? Her Catholic childhood. I'm good any time I can blame religious upbringing, so I agree.
From what she's told me there is a cycle, something along the lines of - 'Do Wrong', Confess, Be punished, Forgiveness, Absolution. Now generally we're good on the first two steps. She's always come running to me immediately after she does something she knows I won't agree with. We met online, and this behaviour started there. I've always appreciated that about her personality, if she does something 'wrong' I'd much rather she came to me rather than having to discover it on my own, or from someone else. I think this stems from early in our relationship when I told her that I wanted to know everything about her, and hiding anything from me was against the rules.
The problem comes in with the punishment step, sometimes I think she doesn't 'deserve' it - apparently she always thinks she deserves it. We joke about her Catholic guilt, but it's true - she feels guilty about everything, and never lets it go. Now that I understand the cycle, I'm more able to help her through the process. Since I believe it's my job to keep her mental state healthy as well as her physical state this is a great piece of the puzzle.
So what makes a punishment?
Well her last one involved a time out in the corner. Since she was mostly having a mental issue I figured this would give her time to go over it without interruption. I haven't asked if it worked, because that would defeat the purpose. The punishment is over, the action that caused it is in the past and there isn't any point worrying about it further.
Lots of things make a punishment, in fact anything that a person dislikes can be a punishment if they are forced to do it. I suppose cleaning the bathroom could be a punishment, but I'm not sure how that would work. I'm also a firm believer in the 'punishment should fit the crime' saying. Generally if you look at 'the crime' you can think of something fitting that might reinforce a good behaviour and punish the bad.
When a punishment is over -
If you do have a punishment dynamic in your relationship I hope you don't neglect the last steps - forgiveness, and absolution. It is just as important for you to say the words as it is for you to hand out the punishment. Just finishing the punishment and expecting it to be over is naive. You s-type is people too, make sure they get the honey after the stick.
Read Her View for more information
Weekend Musings: On Punishments
I've been following some threads on FetLife lately about punishments, and it's had me thinking a lot about our particular dynamic and when we do and don't incorporate punishments in our lives.
Because our dynamic is fluid, and constantly changing to fit our needs, we've flexed in and out of more and less severe punishment states. More often than not, I am not punished for my misdeeds, because I honestly do my best and when I do slip up, it's a mistake, not willful disobedience. I can only think of one or two times I knew what I was doing was wrong and did it anyway, and that was very early on in our relationship, before things were really very solidified between us.
But what if punishment is what I want?
Sometimes, it's much more about me than about him, I think. I tear myself up with guilt over my mistakes. It's one of my little personality quirks. I feel responsible for his displeasure, whether it was through my actions or someone else's, which is something he has tried to break me of over the years (I feel that it's my responsibility to make his life easy, free of difficulty, and fun, as much as possible), but when it's my doing that causes him a problem, it is heart-rending.
I grew up Catholic. Lots of stuff is a sin. Heck, I was taught that thinking about a sin was as bad as actually committing it. Worse, I was told that I was personally hurting Jesus' heart by sinning. However, by confessing and doing penance, I could be forgiven, and my slate would be wiped clean. It's a nice idea, that no matter what you do, if you are contrite and take your punishment, you can start over. I don't necessarily believe that's true logically, and I'm no longer Catholic (I converted to Buddhism many years ago) but I think that something about the sin-confession-penance-forgiveness cycle became so deeply ingrained in me that I need that full procession to take place so that I can forgive myself as well.
I'm good at the confession part. When I first met my Master, he was startled by how easily I told him whatever I had done wrong, even if there would have been no way for him to know I'd done anything wrong. This was handy, because at the time we met and became friends, he had a rather nasty little sub serving him who liked to tattle-tail. Kind of burned her butt a little bit that she couldn't get one up on me by telling on me, I think, which made things even more delicate between she and I, but that's a story for another day. I still will confess to whatever I feel my shortcomings are. I suppose for some this would be humiliating, but I prefer to think of it as humbling, instead. Since it is his right to know everything about me, I consider confession to anything and everything to be a part of that deal.
The penance part is what trips us up sometimes. If we skip that, and move straight to forgiveness, I often just can't move past it. It doesn't have to be serious or elaborate, but fifteen minutes of quiet time in the corner - definitely humiliating and not fun at all - can be enough to let me feel that I've paid the price for my misdeed.
I would never act out just to get a punishment, because I know that with my Master punishment isn't for fun. And I really wouldn't want it to be any other way between us. But if punishment were severe and overly painful, I think that I wouldn't trust him either. Granted, it is generally scaled to the severity of the offense, and because I want to please him, I don't commit severe "bad acts" but I couldn't handle it either if I received bloody whippings for small infractions.
I wonder sometimes about new couples that I hear about, who have a long and strict set of rules, and allow no room for human error. I think that they will burn out brightly and fast, and possibly both leave lasting damage on one another. While it hurts a bit to be punished, done right it can also be very healing. While it can hurt to punish, it can also be very bonding, I believe.
There are others out there who believe that punishment is actually a type of "reward" for bad behaviour, and that that it is inappropriate to assuage guilt in this way. They state that it should not be the dominant partner's responsibility to help them feel forgiven. Here is where I disagree, because I think that whatever works for the couple in question is appropriate. I don't believe, for example, that practicing polygamy is right for me. That doesn't mean I think all people should practice monogamy and that responsible partners wouldn't practice it. If it works for you, and you are healthy and happy, then I think you should do it.
For me, confession is good for the soul. What about you?
Because our dynamic is fluid, and constantly changing to fit our needs, we've flexed in and out of more and less severe punishment states. More often than not, I am not punished for my misdeeds, because I honestly do my best and when I do slip up, it's a mistake, not willful disobedience. I can only think of one or two times I knew what I was doing was wrong and did it anyway, and that was very early on in our relationship, before things were really very solidified between us.
But what if punishment is what I want?
Sometimes, it's much more about me than about him, I think. I tear myself up with guilt over my mistakes. It's one of my little personality quirks. I feel responsible for his displeasure, whether it was through my actions or someone else's, which is something he has tried to break me of over the years (I feel that it's my responsibility to make his life easy, free of difficulty, and fun, as much as possible), but when it's my doing that causes him a problem, it is heart-rending.
I grew up Catholic. Lots of stuff is a sin. Heck, I was taught that thinking about a sin was as bad as actually committing it. Worse, I was told that I was personally hurting Jesus' heart by sinning. However, by confessing and doing penance, I could be forgiven, and my slate would be wiped clean. It's a nice idea, that no matter what you do, if you are contrite and take your punishment, you can start over. I don't necessarily believe that's true logically, and I'm no longer Catholic (I converted to Buddhism many years ago) but I think that something about the sin-confession-penance-forgiveness cycle became so deeply ingrained in me that I need that full procession to take place so that I can forgive myself as well.
I'm good at the confession part. When I first met my Master, he was startled by how easily I told him whatever I had done wrong, even if there would have been no way for him to know I'd done anything wrong. This was handy, because at the time we met and became friends, he had a rather nasty little sub serving him who liked to tattle-tail. Kind of burned her butt a little bit that she couldn't get one up on me by telling on me, I think, which made things even more delicate between she and I, but that's a story for another day. I still will confess to whatever I feel my shortcomings are. I suppose for some this would be humiliating, but I prefer to think of it as humbling, instead. Since it is his right to know everything about me, I consider confession to anything and everything to be a part of that deal.
The penance part is what trips us up sometimes. If we skip that, and move straight to forgiveness, I often just can't move past it. It doesn't have to be serious or elaborate, but fifteen minutes of quiet time in the corner - definitely humiliating and not fun at all - can be enough to let me feel that I've paid the price for my misdeed.
I would never act out just to get a punishment, because I know that with my Master punishment isn't for fun. And I really wouldn't want it to be any other way between us. But if punishment were severe and overly painful, I think that I wouldn't trust him either. Granted, it is generally scaled to the severity of the offense, and because I want to please him, I don't commit severe "bad acts" but I couldn't handle it either if I received bloody whippings for small infractions.
I wonder sometimes about new couples that I hear about, who have a long and strict set of rules, and allow no room for human error. I think that they will burn out brightly and fast, and possibly both leave lasting damage on one another. While it hurts a bit to be punished, done right it can also be very healing. While it can hurt to punish, it can also be very bonding, I believe.
There are others out there who believe that punishment is actually a type of "reward" for bad behaviour, and that that it is inappropriate to assuage guilt in this way. They state that it should not be the dominant partner's responsibility to help them feel forgiven. Here is where I disagree, because I think that whatever works for the couple in question is appropriate. I don't believe, for example, that practicing polygamy is right for me. That doesn't mean I think all people should practice monogamy and that responsible partners wouldn't practice it. If it works for you, and you are healthy and happy, then I think you should do it.
For me, confession is good for the soul. What about you?
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Weekend Musings: The Art of Sticking With It
There was a bit of irony in my life this week. A few days ago we had decided that based on some reading we'd done on fetlife and because we both had strong opinions on the subject we'd write about people who abandon a relationship when it gets difficult. We've been through a lot in our lives together - we lost a child, our house burned down, I've lost my job (our sole income), and we've had various other emotional issues that are part of being married. Through all of those I have never considered leaving my wife and slave. In fact I believe it is partly her strength and my need to caretake her that has helped me through things. I've always had something to focus on in my life - her.
Now this Friday we discovered that my girl has a genetic problem that is going to require us to change our lives. Not dramatically, but enough to notice the change. We've both known this was a possibility for her, but have been thankful that so far she has been lucky. Not so any longer. Things are compounded for me since she was alone in the doctor's office, and when she came out there were tears in her eyes and she told me things had not gone well. She then refused to tell me what actually happened. Afterward she explained that she was worried I would be angry with 'her' for this problem. It never occured to me that she was at a fault here. I was actually extremely relieved, because I was sure she was terminally ill and was going to die - I couldn't think of another reason not to tell me what had happened.
To me - this is just life. Things happen and you deal with them to the best of your ability. Whining and complaining about things does not make them better, nor does it make them go away. This is just one more thing that both of us has to deal with. I won't say it will be easy, but nothing in life is really easy - at least nothing worth doing.
In our relationship part of my role is that of a caretaker. She trusts me to do what is best for her, and in return I make sure she is safe, cared for and has what she needs to survive and thrive. I usually conscript her to help me complete my role, since she is the one that knows herself best - but in the end I make the decisions to the best of my ability. So when she is sick, I care for her - when she is feeling down I cheer her up.
It is a foreign concept for me that I would just walk away when the going becomes difficult. Though it seems like a common thread. Perhaps it is love, or caring - but aren't those feelings necessary when taking on a M/s relationship? can you seperate out caring and still be a true Master? I can see play partners that might meet occasionally for S&M scening might have more of a casual 'friendship' relationship, but even then, is there no caring? I wouldn't abandon my dog because she was sick, I care about her well being and want her to be happy and as fullfilled as she can be. I don't feel that caring compromises my ability to be Dominant, or to be a Master - I believe it is an integral part of it.
Now this is of course only my opinion, some people are obviously programmed differently from me - and likely just as I can't understand them, they don't understand me. I challenge people to communicate in their relationships and determine which side of the coin they fall on. Is caring something you can forego in your relationship? Do your partner(s) mean nothing to you other than what you can take from them to serve your own needs? Do you want to mean more than that to your partner?
Notice I use 'caring' and not love. Love is an encompassing emotion that includes caring - but the caring is what makes us take care of each other.
Read Her View for more information
Now this Friday we discovered that my girl has a genetic problem that is going to require us to change our lives. Not dramatically, but enough to notice the change. We've both known this was a possibility for her, but have been thankful that so far she has been lucky. Not so any longer. Things are compounded for me since she was alone in the doctor's office, and when she came out there were tears in her eyes and she told me things had not gone well. She then refused to tell me what actually happened. Afterward she explained that she was worried I would be angry with 'her' for this problem. It never occured to me that she was at a fault here. I was actually extremely relieved, because I was sure she was terminally ill and was going to die - I couldn't think of another reason not to tell me what had happened.
To me - this is just life. Things happen and you deal with them to the best of your ability. Whining and complaining about things does not make them better, nor does it make them go away. This is just one more thing that both of us has to deal with. I won't say it will be easy, but nothing in life is really easy - at least nothing worth doing.
In our relationship part of my role is that of a caretaker. She trusts me to do what is best for her, and in return I make sure she is safe, cared for and has what she needs to survive and thrive. I usually conscript her to help me complete my role, since she is the one that knows herself best - but in the end I make the decisions to the best of my ability. So when she is sick, I care for her - when she is feeling down I cheer her up.
It is a foreign concept for me that I would just walk away when the going becomes difficult. Though it seems like a common thread. Perhaps it is love, or caring - but aren't those feelings necessary when taking on a M/s relationship? can you seperate out caring and still be a true Master? I can see play partners that might meet occasionally for S&M scening might have more of a casual 'friendship' relationship, but even then, is there no caring? I wouldn't abandon my dog because she was sick, I care about her well being and want her to be happy and as fullfilled as she can be. I don't feel that caring compromises my ability to be Dominant, or to be a Master - I believe it is an integral part of it.
Now this is of course only my opinion, some people are obviously programmed differently from me - and likely just as I can't understand them, they don't understand me. I challenge people to communicate in their relationships and determine which side of the coin they fall on. Is caring something you can forego in your relationship? Do your partner(s) mean nothing to you other than what you can take from them to serve your own needs? Do you want to mean more than that to your partner?
Notice I use 'caring' and not love. Love is an encompassing emotion that includes caring - but the caring is what makes us take care of each other.
Read Her View for more information
Weekend Musings: When the Going Gets Tough
From what I've read recently on various groups on Fetlife, when the going gets tough, the Dominant gets going.
There have been several posts recently about submissive or slave partners in relationships becoming ill and being abandoned by their partners. The loss of their support in this kind of situation must be incredibly debilitating. It is clearly depressing to be ill, and also to lose a relationship, but this kind of situation seems to increase both exponentially rather than just mathematically.
As a submissive partner, I have often felt that my own shortcomings make me a less worthy partner for him. Because of an old knee injury, I cannot kneel for very long. He would love to have a girl who could kneel by his feet for hours. Because I cannot provide this for him, I suffer from pretty profound guilt. I probably think about it more than he does. I think he deserves someone perfect, because I think he's amazing. I want to be perfect for him, and because I can't be, I beat myself up about it.
Worse, I was recently diagnosed with onset of a hereditary disease that is going to change our lives a bit. I always knew that my chances for being diagnosed were better than even odds, but being an optimist, I assumed I'd somehow beat the chances. I haven't, and it's a sad thing, and it makes me feel like even more of a failure as his slave, because again, I think he deserves perfection. No, it's not my "fault" that this happened, but I still feel badly. I was terrified to tell him when I came out of the doctor's office, because I was so afraid he would be angry at me or disappointed in me.
I should have had more faith. He was upset that this had happened to me, yes. He was not mad at me, though, and he certainly wasn't going to leave me because of it. Instead, he wanted to know what we could both do to improve my health, so he could keep me around longer.
We've been through some pretty devastating things in the past. We lost a child. We had a house burn to the ground, leaving us homeless and possession-less. We've had the typical rifts any married couple has, too. So many people give up when things are hard. In fact, I've had people express surprise that we made it through losing a child, because so many people break up when that happens. I've always somewhat considered that it was the M/s side of our relationship that made us stronger. It's a deeper commitment to me, than marriage, and entails expressing more trust and openness. It requires more communication.
This is why it boggles my mind when a Dominant leaves when a partner is ill. Is it the idea of "my toy is broken, I need a new one?" Because I don't have a dominant mindset, I may never really understand what provokes it. I do know, however, that were my Master to be sick, leaving would be the furthest thing from my mind. I wish I could teach people that sticking through the hard parts of a relationship is what makes relationships worthwhile. It leads to a depth of being together, a closeness of the soul that you just don't have unless you have passed through some trials in life. We certainly didn't have it before we managed through the challenges we've had, and now that we do have it, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Read His View for more information
There have been several posts recently about submissive or slave partners in relationships becoming ill and being abandoned by their partners. The loss of their support in this kind of situation must be incredibly debilitating. It is clearly depressing to be ill, and also to lose a relationship, but this kind of situation seems to increase both exponentially rather than just mathematically.
As a submissive partner, I have often felt that my own shortcomings make me a less worthy partner for him. Because of an old knee injury, I cannot kneel for very long. He would love to have a girl who could kneel by his feet for hours. Because I cannot provide this for him, I suffer from pretty profound guilt. I probably think about it more than he does. I think he deserves someone perfect, because I think he's amazing. I want to be perfect for him, and because I can't be, I beat myself up about it.
Worse, I was recently diagnosed with onset of a hereditary disease that is going to change our lives a bit. I always knew that my chances for being diagnosed were better than even odds, but being an optimist, I assumed I'd somehow beat the chances. I haven't, and it's a sad thing, and it makes me feel like even more of a failure as his slave, because again, I think he deserves perfection. No, it's not my "fault" that this happened, but I still feel badly. I was terrified to tell him when I came out of the doctor's office, because I was so afraid he would be angry at me or disappointed in me.
I should have had more faith. He was upset that this had happened to me, yes. He was not mad at me, though, and he certainly wasn't going to leave me because of it. Instead, he wanted to know what we could both do to improve my health, so he could keep me around longer.
We've been through some pretty devastating things in the past. We lost a child. We had a house burn to the ground, leaving us homeless and possession-less. We've had the typical rifts any married couple has, too. So many people give up when things are hard. In fact, I've had people express surprise that we made it through losing a child, because so many people break up when that happens. I've always somewhat considered that it was the M/s side of our relationship that made us stronger. It's a deeper commitment to me, than marriage, and entails expressing more trust and openness. It requires more communication.
This is why it boggles my mind when a Dominant leaves when a partner is ill. Is it the idea of "my toy is broken, I need a new one?" Because I don't have a dominant mindset, I may never really understand what provokes it. I do know, however, that were my Master to be sick, leaving would be the furthest thing from my mind. I wish I could teach people that sticking through the hard parts of a relationship is what makes relationships worthwhile. It leads to a depth of being together, a closeness of the soul that you just don't have unless you have passed through some trials in life. We certainly didn't have it before we managed through the challenges we've had, and now that we do have it, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Read His View for more information
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