Sunday, 19 June 2011

Weekend Musings: Love Connection

I've been seeing an awful lot of posts on various sites lately about love.  Is it necessary to have it in an M/s relationship?  Is it harmful to a D/s dynamic?  How does it affect submission?  Is it even possible to love a slave?

Sometimes it boggles me that people ask.  For me, there is no deeper love than what I have for my Master.  I can't imagine loving someone more in another relationship.

Do you have to have love in order for D/s or M/s to work?

Definitely not.  I have had D/s relationships which were purely based on friendship in the past.  I tend to be a bit dependent, and when I was struggling to recover from a previously abusive relationship, I had a friend step in and offer to be my shoulder and let me come to him if I had a situation I needed to talk about or needed some guidance in.  This was important to me.  I can function perfectly fine in any independent situation, but sometimes, particularly when it comes to personal decisions, I just don't want to have to figure one more thing out.  I just want someone to tell me the right thing to do, even if I already sort of know what it is.

That kind of dynamic can work quite well, and I can see how, especially in a part time relationship, you can have simply friendship or companionship without love in D/s.  But M/s is something entirely different for me.

I had submitted to others before my Master.  I had never, though, truly been a slave.  I had never been willing to hand over everything that I was (and willingly so, I might add), to abdicate all responsibilities, to surrender every choice, and to trust him deeply enough that I would play without a safe word.  I can do all of that for one reason and one reason only; I love him.

It is because of my love for him that I am willing to give everything, but it is as much about his love for me as anything else that allows me to trust him to the extent that I do.  I know how important I am to him.  I know that his love for me would not allow him to cause me grievous harm, or to truly cause me psychological distress long-term (short term, oh sure, but long term?  No.)  I know that because he loves me, his use of me will be for mutual benefit, not just his own.  I know that I am safe in his hands, and that no matter what he chooses to put me through (possibly something not of my desire, let alone of my choosing), that I will make it through it, because he would not put me onto a path he couldn't safely guide me along.

Does romance hurt the dynamic?

With us, no.  I have heard some dominant men say that they cannot love a slave, because that slave will use the love against them.  That isn't love; that is manipulation.  Love is when another person's happiness is integral to your own.  What makes my Master happy is controlling me, and so why would I try to use his love for me to get my own way?  I love him, so I would never do that.  There is a risk, of course.  There is always a risk when you put your heart on the line that the other person will not feel the same way, or will eventually stop feeling the same way, or might possibly use your emotions against you, but that is a risk in any vanilla relationship as well.  That is a risk with a friend, with a family member, with a pet that you adore.  It can be a risk in M/s.  But like any gamble, if the reward wasn't worth it, there wouldn't be any point in putting your money down.

Because I am loved, some have called me a spoiled slave.  Mostly those people are those who have only ever experienced M/s as a slave in a Gorean chat room, who turn off the computer and go have dinner with their vanilla husband, whom they proceed to order about like a personal servant.  Yes, I am indulged.  Yes, if I ask for a piece of chocolate, I am rarely refused.  I am often kissed.  I am cuddled after bad dreams and there are many, many "I love you"s exchanged in our household.  If I am sick, I am cared for, and if I am lonely or sad, there are always hugs.

Of course, because my Master loves me, he also knows some very intimate things about the workings of my head.  Because I love him, my vulnerability is increased exponentially.  I am easier to mess with; there is no mind fuck like the mind fuck inflicted with love, believe me.  My fear is also deepened at times, and since Master loves the look of fear, this can be a fun thing for him to play with.  And that's okay with me, because as mentioned previously, I know that I'm safe, no matter how scary it gets.  Deep down, I know that I'll be looked after. 

  Because I love him, I can be whatever he needs in a woman at that moment.

Love; it's in everything we do.
Love adds a depth to our interaction that can't be replicated by other means.  We recently discovered a statistic that we found rather sad; the average M/s relationship lasts seven months.  Months?  Really?  So how have we managed to last for ten years?

Because we love one another.  Our commitment to one another is deep.  We are motivated to work past roadblocks and rt issues and problems that others might dismiss a relationship over.  We are interested in learning and growing together instead of letting ourselves grow apart.  Love is the glue that gets us through the hard times in life.  I think the D/s helps us overcome the high divorce rate averages and pitfalls, and love helps us overcome the short average M/s relationship lifespan.  The combination makes you bulletproof.

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