Sunday, 12 June 2011

Weekend Musings: Taking the Choice Away

There have been some discussions lately about how I've been taking choices away from my Master.

Yes, you read that right. Taking decisions and choices away from him, not the other way around.

"But I thought you were such a great slave!" you're probably thinking. Well, maybe not, but I can dream.

Here's my problem: I don't want to be any trouble. Because of that, I have a long history of not asking for the things I want. I'll think to myself, "Nah, I don't really need hair color. I can wait two more weeks. So what if it makes me miserable. I'll wait until the last second I can stand it to ask." Or, "I really want that craft item/orgasm/piece of chocolate... but it's too expensive/too much trouble." I won't ask. In my own way, I was choosing not to ask because I thought that was my little way of making life easier for my Master.

The problem was, I was also taking away his opportunity to choose. I was making the decision in his place that I didn't deserve whatever thing it was I wanted. He might say yes, he might say no, but I was choosing no in his place. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. I had never placed it in that context, mentally, for myself. I was shocked.

This happens in bed, too. I mentioned orgasms earlier, but the truth is, all around I give very little feedback, because I am constantly striving to be pleasing. So, I'll do anything he wants, and I'll generally have a very, very good time, and even if I really really wanted him to swat me with the belt or use the brush on me, or grab those nipple clamps, I would figure that when it came right down to it, since I didn't have final say, it was silly to bug him with my own wants.

Oh, but yeah. There again, I was choosing for him. He can read me pretty well, and sometimes he can figure out just from my body language what it is I want or need, but in that case, I'm requiring him to attempt using a psychic gift and making his life harder than easier, the latter of which was actually my goal.


This isn't to say there aren't many decisions that I hand over without a second
thought. If he chooses something for me to wear, or the perfume I use, or what I am to eat in a restaurant, I never hesitate. I would never object. But in these small things, I take away his choices, when our original agreement was that I would hand over my choices to him. By not letting him know there is even a choice being made, I am being dishonest in our relationship, in a way. Not a huge way, and probably not a destructive way, but in one of those little ways that can pile up over time and create a slow leak in your M/s dynamic which eventually becomes an overwhelming tidal wave.

How am I working on it?

Very simple. I'm trying very hard, every time we have a sexual interaction, to vocalize at least one thing I want. Whether or not I get it is not really the issue. Sometimes I even ask for more than one thing. (This doesn't include orgasms; I always have been required to ask for these, and that hasn't and won't change) Sometimes it's a toy or technique or position, whatever it is that I really want. I let him choose whether or not I'm to get it.

More often than not, there are a hundred little choices per day I can also hand over. I'm very sure that there are some he doesn't want to make. For example, I'm not going to start asking him whether I should have a Coke Zero or a Diet Coke with Lime, but I do ask him if I may have a piece of chocolate. I don't ask him if I should read this book or that book next, but I will ask him if we can watch a certain movie in the evening. I try to also do this at least once per day, making a real effort to take those internal dialogues out of my head and putting them into the open.

Are there hidden decisions you're making day to day, choices that you are taking away from your Master? Consider each time you choose not to ask, whether or not you are actually making a choice.

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