Monday, 13 June 2011

Weekend Musings: Making Choices

Since I'm off this week I feel entitled to write my weekend post on Monday.  This has nothing to do with the topic, I just have been enjoying my staycation.

I was actually pleasantly surprised about our topic this week.  When we discuss these things I can lay down the 'law' so to speak but it's nice to see inside her head and know how she 'took' it and what she's doing to follow the law.

So - down to it.  Taking away my decision making prowess.  I'm damn good at making decisions, you suggest a problem for me and I can give you an answer.  So what does that have to do with a D/s relationship?  Well, my girl has agreed to hand me all her major decisions.  This is just another way she is subjugated to my will.  Remember I talk about control?  Well what better way is there to control someone than to not allow them to make their own final decisions.

Don't get me wrong, I want her to be self sufficient in some ways and to make her own minor decisions.  It just becomes work if I have to decide everything for her - some micromanagement people get off on that, so don't think that my way is the only way.  Back on topic ... over time we've evolved this 'asking' process so that she knows what to ask for and what to just do on her own (getting a drink of water is done on her own, deciding what clothing to wear out of the house is approved by me).

That's the control background, now the 'asking' background.

She has always had a problem when she thinks she is being a 'burden' on me.  Which basically means any time she wants to ask for something she doesn't because she just wants to make my life easier and not require anything of me.  This is good in a way, I mean it's her personality meshing so well with mine that makes us get along.  The problem I have is that often I never know what she is thinking/feeling/wanting at any given time.  We've been together for 10 years, so I can read her pretty well, but I'm not telepathic.

When does this become a problem?  When I don't necessarily have a 'preference' at any given time.
Ex: Often this occurs when we are shopping and she will stand in one place and look directly at something for a long time.  Normally when she is admiring things she will touch them and look more closely, but when she 'really' wants something it's like she's afraid to touch it.  
It took a while but I discovered what this actually meant and now I use that as her 'signal' for non-verbally asking for things and will make the choice on whether to purchase it or not in that moment.

Now if you look at the above, I don't really care one way or another if I get this particular item for her.  Without her indicating her interest I would never know that she actually wanted the item.  If she didn't indicate her interest so that I could get it for her how would I know?  In effect, if she doesn't ask me she is automatically forcing me to answer 'no'.  I do say 'no', but I also say 'yes' - that is my choice.

Think of it this way, pretend someone asks you something like 'How do you like the weather?' then immediately says 'Oh, you like it just fine'.  Would you appreciate being told how you felt?

Now ...

For a long time we've gone on like that, I would tell her that her opinions and requests were important to me and that she should tell me what is going on in he head (that is a whole different topic, she also had issues just indicating preference or discussing what was going on in there).  I'd almost gotten to the point that I had accepted it wasn't going to change and that sometimes/often she would feel bad because in her head I had refused her requests for things.

Then, not long ago we were having a discussion about choices and it hit me.  What she was really doing was taking away my ability to choose for her.  By internalizing the discussion in her head and not including me she was preventing me from exercising my will on her.  I think this finally hit a chord with her and made sense.  It wasn't just that it was 'important' that she tell me these things, it was critical, because in a (weird) way she was controlling me by not letting me make my own decisions.  She was also creating a tension and maybe even an unhappiness in her every day life that wasn't necessary and could lead to larger problems in the future.

How it's going?

Things are changing slowly, I have noticed a dramatic increase in her vocalizing things that are on her mind.  She has requests, preferences, and asks for things now that before I couldn't drag out of her.  I know this is difficult for her and I'm proud that she is making such a conscious effort.  I am hoping that the 'effort' won't be required for long, and soon it will become habit rather than forced.

Is this something you see in your own relationship?  Are you controlling like I am?  Maybe this is a new way to bring up an old subject for you as well.  Let me know if this works out for you as well as it worked out for me.

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