Weekend Musings: Love Connection

I've been seeing an awful lot of posts on various sites lately about love.  Is it necessary to have it in an M/s relationship?  Is it harmful to a D/s dynamic?  How does it affect submission?  Is it even possible to love a slave?

Sometimes it boggles me that people ask.  For me, there is no deeper love than what I have for my Master.  I can't imagine loving someone more in another relationship.

Do you have to have love in order for D/s or M/s to work?

Definitely not.  I have had D/s relationships which were purely based on friendship in the past.  I tend to be a bit dependent, and when I was struggling to recover from a previously abusive relationship, I had a friend step in and offer to be my shoulder and let me come to him if I had a situation I needed to talk about or needed some guidance in.  This was important to me.  I can function perfectly fine in any independent situation, but sometimes, particularly when it comes to personal decisions, I just don't want to have to figure one more thing out.  I just want someone to tell me the right thing to do, even if I already sort of know what it is.

That kind of dynamic can work quite well, and I can see how, especially in a part time relationship, you can have simply friendship or companionship without love in D/s.  But M/s is something entirely different for me.

I had submitted to others before my Master.  I had never, though, truly been a slave.  I had never been willing to hand over everything that I was (and willingly so, I might add), to abdicate all responsibilities, to surrender every choice, and to trust him deeply enough that I would play without a safe word.  I can do all of that for one reason and one reason only; I love him.

It is because of my love for him that I am willing to give everything, but it is as much about his love for me as anything else that allows me to trust him to the extent that I do.  I know how important I am to him.  I know that his love for me would not allow him to cause me grievous harm, or to truly cause me psychological distress long-term (short term, oh sure, but long term?  No.)  I know that because he loves me, his use of me will be for mutual benefit, not just his own.  I know that I am safe in his hands, and that no matter what he chooses to put me through (possibly something not of my desire, let alone of my choosing), that I will make it through it, because he would not put me onto a path he couldn't safely guide me along.

Does romance hurt the dynamic?

With us, no.  I have heard some dominant men say that they cannot love a slave, because that slave will use the love against them.  That isn't love; that is manipulation.  Love is when another person's happiness is integral to your own.  What makes my Master happy is controlling me, and so why would I try to use his love for me to get my own way?  I love him, so I would never do that.  There is a risk, of course.  There is always a risk when you put your heart on the line that the other person will not feel the same way, or will eventually stop feeling the same way, or might possibly use your emotions against you, but that is a risk in any vanilla relationship as well.  That is a risk with a friend, with a family member, with a pet that you adore.  It can be a risk in M/s.  But like any gamble, if the reward wasn't worth it, there wouldn't be any point in putting your money down.

Because I am loved, some have called me a spoiled slave.  Mostly those people are those who have only ever experienced M/s as a slave in a Gorean chat room, who turn off the computer and go have dinner with their vanilla husband, whom they proceed to order about like a personal servant.  Yes, I am indulged.  Yes, if I ask for a piece of chocolate, I am rarely refused.  I am often kissed.  I am cuddled after bad dreams and there are many, many "I love you"s exchanged in our household.  If I am sick, I am cared for, and if I am lonely or sad, there are always hugs.

Of course, because my Master loves me, he also knows some very intimate things about the workings of my head.  Because I love him, my vulnerability is increased exponentially.  I am easier to mess with; there is no mind fuck like the mind fuck inflicted with love, believe me.  My fear is also deepened at times, and since Master loves the look of fear, this can be a fun thing for him to play with.  And that's okay with me, because as mentioned previously, I know that I'm safe, no matter how scary it gets.  Deep down, I know that I'll be looked after. 

  Because I love him, I can be whatever he needs in a woman at that moment.

Love; it's in everything we do.

Love adds a depth to our interaction that can't be replicated by other means.  We recently discovered a statistic that we found rather sad; the average M/s relationship lasts seven months.  Months?  Really?  So how have we managed to last for ten years?

Because we love one another.  Our commitment to one another is deep.  We are motivated to work past roadblocks and rt issues and problems that others might dismiss a relationship over.  We are interested in learning and growing together instead of letting ourselves grow apart.  Love is the glue that gets us through the hard times in life.  I think the D/s helps us overcome the high divorce rate averages and pitfalls, and love helps us overcome the short average M/s relationship lifespan.  The combination makes you bulletproof.

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Review Thurday: The Rope Flogger

A few months back, I found directions online for constructing rope floggers.  They were pretty simple, really; Buy a ring and a length of rope, cut the rope into 5-foot sections, double it over through the rings, knot the ends and wrap a twine handle round the top.

Cotton on top, Cotton-poly blend on the bottom.

I can do that, I thought.  It was off to Totem I went, to procure a couple of different types of rope.  I chose a thinner, tightly woven cotton and a thicker, "meatier" poly-cotton blend.  The rings were a bit more trouble to find.  I couldn't imagine where they'd be located, but they were in the section of little drawers that have all the different types of nuts and bolts.  They come in a multitude of sizes, and I think I went a little bit too generous on the sizes, but I wasn't sure exactly how tightly the rope would compress within the rings, this being my first time making them, so decided safe was better than sorry.

All in all, the supplies for both floggers cost me well under $20, including the twine I already had at home from previous projects.  Inexpensive, and they didn't take too much time to complete either.  The handles were created by tying overhand knots snugly around the outer perimeter of rope, the ends woven inside.  While I cut the smaller rope into four foot lengths, I cut the thicker into five feet lengths (thus the differences in the sizes of the floggers.

As to the actual use of the floggers, let me just say first that the knots have a lot of power.  Because of the intensity they create, these are absolutely not warm-up floggers.  Yowch.  Though the Masterly one seemed delighted in telling me how polka-dotted I became, the sensations were a little too intense at the beginning.  And when the knots wrap up over the top of a shoulder or around the side of a waist/hip region.... well holy crap.  It hurts like hell.

The intensity at the beginning made it pretty hard to relax, and I had to concentrate on my breathing and my muscle control (not easy when every inch of you is trying to reflexively react to what is physically going on) just to manage to stay in place.  It seemed as though I could feel each individual knot as it landed, which was really unnerving.  It took some time for the "leathering" of the skin to take place, at which point the sensations really shifted.

Instead of intense pain from the knots, it became an overall, thuddy and heavy sensation.  Ahhh, that was much better.  I could feel the tension and jumpiness dissipate as I relaxed into the sensations.  It actually became really, really nice after a while, and I started to revel in it, as I usually do with a flogging.

As for aftermath, there was quite a bit of soreness that evening, and some pretty little dotted bruises which bloomed to life in the morning.  I was pretty achey and stingy the next day too, which is one of the best things about a flogging in my opinion.  As time went on, I had started to crave harder and more serious blows, which I'm guessing would have left some pretty serious marks with those knots, so just a word to the wise on that one; this is not a non-marking play toy.

I think in the future, with a different flogger used for warm-up, this will become a fun and useful toy.  The heaviness of the knots, though, mean you need to already have some blood rushing to the skin surface and those lovely endorphins flowing before they land.  If you are interested in trying one out, it's worth the cheap investment and little bit of time it takes to create one.

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Technique Tuesday: Bastinado

Bastinado, also known as falanga and falaka, is the art of whipping the bottoms of pretty, vulnerable, innocent little feets.  Or at least that's what I call my feet when I'm trying to hide them, sole-to-sole, against a threatening cane.  "Poor innocent feets!"

The truth is, I just love it.

I have this thing about not liking feet in general.  I think they're kind of icky.  I hate having people touch mine, especially strangers.  I don't even like people looking at mine unless they are safely tucked away in socks.  I just don't think of them as a pretty part, and the idea of a foot fetish in general makes me very confused.  To me, it might as well be an elbow fetish; I just don't get it.  Then again, everyone's kink is different.

Then I wound up with this guy who gives amazing foot massages.  He explained to me the ways in which he'd learned to get women all worked up... through their feet.  I didn't think it was possible.  I mean feet?  Feet?  Sexy times with feet?  No way.

It took a long time for me to be able to relax enough to let him touch them, let alone massage them.  My feet are very sensitive and ticklish, and I hate being tickled (See here for reference!), so it took some real trust to let him have his way with them without protest, squealing, and struggling to get away.  When I did?  Oh it was a complete revelation.  And while at times I'm still shy about my feet, and have a tendency to tuck them beneath myself, sit on them, hide them under pets or pillows or whatever else is handy when he reaches for them... I'm aware that there's much more to feet than meets the eye.

I've mentioned before how much I adore the videos from Hogtied, and that's where my curiosity about bastinado was piqued.  If massaging my feet was awesome, and hit all these erogenous spots, what would happen with caning of the feet?  I brought it up tentatively, shyly, uncertainly, and it gave the Masterly one kind of an evil glint in his eyes. He likes it, I think, when I am interested in trying something that also has me really freaked out.  He enjoys vulnerability and fear on display.

I can't remember when we first tried it, but it was years ago and with our previous acrylic cane.  We moved on to floggers, slappers, wooden spoons, and all kinds of punishment for those poor innocent feets.  And what I learned is, those same erogenous zones that got so stimulated from his massaging hands were even more stimulated with the pain of a beating.  It pushed all of my buttons, including, incidentally, my light interest in humiliation, because I find having my feet at his mercy both humbling and humiliating.  I'm not sure why, it's likely because it's a part of me that I feel so driven to keep hidden, the way most people would feel about displaying a blemish that made them self-conscious.  And my display of pleasure and arousal from it feeds that humiliation even more, of course.

If you've never tried bastinado, it's worth a try (especially for feet-o-phobes!).  Find someone experienced with light cane work and start slowly.  Experiment with what feels best to you and what you can't stand.  The goal here isn't to raise huge welts - unless you don't have to do any walking for a while, in which case, go nuts -it's a great way to force immobilization/crawling on someone!  Try light rhythmic strokes to start, and figure out where the nerves that push your buttons are (for me, it's right in the center of the arch of my foot, as well as the outer ball of the foot near the pinkie toe).  Find out where it really bothers you (right on the center flat of my heel is a rough spot for me, right where the bone is -owowow), and figure out what makes it tick for you.  It's worth experimenting with.  If you don't have a cane, try a wooden spoon.  And have fun with it!

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Weekend Musings: Taking the Choice Away

There have been some discussions lately about how I've been taking choices away from my Master.

Yes, you read that right. Taking decisions and choices away from him, not the other way around.

"But I thought you were such a great slave!" you're probably thinking. Well, maybe not, but I can dream.

Here's my problem: I don't want to be any trouble. Because of that, I have a long history of not asking for the things I want. I'll think to myself, "Nah, I don't really need hair color. I can wait two more weeks. So what if it makes me miserable. I'll wait until the last second I can stand it to ask." Or, "I really want that craft item/orgasm/piece of chocolate... but it's too expensive/too much trouble." I won't ask. In my own way, I was choosing not to ask because I thought that was my little way of making life easier for my Master.

The problem was, I was also taking away his opportunity to choose. I was making the decision in his place that I didn't deserve whatever thing it was I wanted. He might say yes, he might say no, but I was choosing no in his place. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. I had never placed it in that context, mentally, for myself. I was shocked.

This happens in bed, too. I mentioned orgasms earlier, but the truth is, all around I give very little feedback, because I am constantly striving to be pleasing. So, I'll do anything he wants, and I'll generally have a very, very good time, and even if I really really wanted him to swat me with the belt or use the brush on me, or grab those nipple clamps, I would figure that when it came right down to it, since I didn't have final say, it was silly to bug him with my own wants.

Oh, but yeah. There again, I was choosing for him. He can read me pretty well, and sometimes he can figure out just from my body language what it is I want or need, but in that case, I'm requiring him to attempt using a psychic gift and making his life harder than easier, the latter of which was actually my goal.

Oops.

This isn't to say there aren't many decisions that I hand over without a second
thought. If he chooses something for me to wear, or the perfume I use, or what I am to eat in a restaurant, I never hesitate. I would never object. But in these small things, I take away his choices, when our original agreement was that I would hand over my choices to him. By not letting him know there is even a choice being made, I am being dishonest in our relationship, in a way. Not a huge way, and probably not a destructive way, but in one of those little ways that can pile up over time and create a slow leak in your M/s dynamic which eventually becomes an overwhelming tidal wave.

How am I working on it?

Very simple. I'm trying very hard, every time we have a sexual interaction, to vocalize at least one thing I want. Whether or not I get it is not really the issue. Sometimes I even ask for more than one thing. (This doesn't include orgasms; I always have been required to ask for these, and that hasn't and won't change) Sometimes it's a toy or technique or position, whatever it is that I really want. I let him choose whether or not I'm to get it.

More often than not, there are a hundred little choices per day I can also hand over. I'm very sure that there are some he doesn't want to make. For example, I'm not going to start asking him whether I should have a Coke Zero or a Diet Coke with Lime, but I do ask him if I may have a piece of chocolate. I don't ask him if I should read this book or that book next, but I will ask him if we can watch a certain movie in the evening. I try to also do this at least once per day, making a real effort to take those internal dialogues out of my head and putting them into the open.

Are there hidden decisions you're making day to day, choices that you are taking away from your Master? Consider each time you choose not to ask, whether or not you are actually making a choice.

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Review Thursday: Hitachi Magic Wand

It's been a long wait.

I've wanted one of these babies for years.  It was the Hogtied videos that did it.  All those lovely orgasms being forced on beautifully bound and beaten women.  There was one in particular that I recall of a French girl, who had been teased for ages, then tied with a wand attached between her legs and flogged.  She couldn't stop orgasming during the flogging.  Oh, how I ached to be her, right there in the middle of that seeming tsunami of sensation.  It looked positively amazing.

 We had looked around for quite a while in search of the elusive magic wand.  Local stores in Calgary carried it, but with a price that began at $130 or so and only went up from there, we were not interested.  No orgasm, no matter how powerful, seemed worth that much.  I mean jeeze, it's only a vibe, right?  You can get those for ten bucks.  Finally we came across a price at Pink Cherry that we could do more than live with - we could accept wholeheartedly.  For $44 and change, we could have our own crazy orgasm machine.  And with free shipping, too!

When the box arrived, it sat for nearly a whole day unopened.  I thought the Masterly type was crazy.  I love getting packages in the mail - even if I ordered it, it's still kind of like Christmas.  Finally, I convinced him that he should at least open it and make sure everything came undamaged.  He agreed.  I was in my usual spot with my head in his lap, which turned out to be a mistake.  Let me just say this right here:  The Hitachi Magic Wand is not meant to be used as a flail to beat your slavegirl about the head.  Okay?  Seriously.  I know his hand slipped, but I had a lump on my head the next day, and it wasn't fun, just extremely startling.

Once unpacked, the wand was put away.  We've reviewed other items from our order and from other places, and I was kind of anxious.  There was a lot of fuss about this thing, and I'd heard so many good reviews, and I really really wanted those amazing orgasms.  Finally, I found enough courage to ask the Masterly one why we hadn't tried it yet.  Turned out, there was a bit of worry that I might like it better than him.  Seriously, this is a valid concern for men; they can't move that fast.  There was even an episode of Love Bites that recently focused on the Hitachi vibrator (called the Maserati in the show, I guess they didn't want to give a free plug!)  I totally get it.  If the Masterly one wanted to get one of those fake va-jay-jay fleshlight thingies I might wonder, too.  Thankfully, he has no interest in those.

For me, it's just a matter of fact that he has two hands.  Sometimes they're busy.  It's like an attachment or extension of him when it's used.  I don't plan on using it myself.  Besides, I've always been very happy with our sex life and don't feel like I'm missing anything.  I am, however, a sensation junkie, and like exploring different ones.  This was just like trying a new flogger or paddle as far as I was concerned.

I finally decided that thinking about it was just going to get me nowhere and what I really needed to do was forget about it for a while.  Later that day, after being teased almost to distraction in bed, it was whipped out.  Amazing how the universe works, no?  Because I had already been teased to the very edge of orgasm for a while, when I felt the cool ball of the head of the wand press against my overheated parts I almost came just from the excited anticipation of it all.  Then it was switched on.

I think my eyes may have rolled back in my head.  I came almost immediately.  It was uncontrollable and intense.  I categorize my orgasms into three classes.. no, four.  There's the "ruined orgasm", which is when you're right there, stimulation stops, and you get all of the muscle contractions but none of the pleasure.  Then there's the mini-orgasm, the normal orgasm, and the OMGIcamesohard orgasm, the last of which is named for what I am generally muttering afterwards.  This was one of that last category.  Oh.  My.  God.

The next little bit of time was a blur.  I know that I came multiple times, but I can't tell you how many.  I do know that I get extremely sensitive right after an orgasm, and that's when the Hitachi Wand becomes a torture device rather than yay-yay-happy-time toy.  The vibration is truly intense, and unlike other vibrators I've worked with.  The movement within the device seems more controlled, and stronger, without the "jittery" feeling some vibes produce.  The low speed is enough to provoke remarkable feelings, and when kicking it onto high speed, you could pretty much guarantee an orgasm within a minute for me.  Then again, I've never been a "hard cum" - I'm pretty responsive most of the time, and am not super hard to get over the edge (again, most of the time... there have been moments I had a hard time concentrating or letting go and it took longer, but I think it's that way for everyone now and again).  I do think that the extreme intensity of the vibration would overcome just about anything else going on in your head at any time.  If you do have a hard time concentrating, this is so incredibly overwhelming that it's difficult to process anything else going on at the moment.

Afterwards, physically, I felt a little strange.  I've heard that when left in place for too long, the magic wand can create numbness, but it wasn't exactly numbness that I felt.  Instead, I felt incredibly swollen, overheated, soaking wet, and exhausted.  Physically, it was as though we'd been going at it for hours and hours, when I knew in reality it hadn't been very long at all (the thing works quick!).  I didn't think I could handle another orgasm at that point without turning into a babbling, incoherent idiot (then again, maybe I was already there... it can be hard to tell in that moment).  I do know that I might have cried if it had been turned back onto me at that point.

But I can't wait to do it again.

I think that it is a remarkable tool for forced orgasms.  During one of the "torture" phases, when I was overly sensitive and the wand remained in place, I came exhaustively hard - another one of those last-category-of-orgasm orgasms - and it almost felt as though it were being ripped through my body instead of my body conducting the waves of pleasure.  It was a very out-of-control feeling that I absolutely loved.

I had heard some talk about how loud the vibrator was, including some talk comparing it to a jackhammer on Fetlife (waves and loves to Chremes and rawr for that one...) but I didn't find it extraordinarily loud or anything.  I don't think the neighbors would hear it, but if we had a roommate that might be a different story.  It wasn't loud enough for me to find it distracting, at least, but then my mind was kind of occupied at the time, so your mileage may vary.  If you're living at home with curious parents or something, you might want to play some music to cover up the noise, as well as the moans and groans and screams of pleasure you'll have a hard time controlling under this thing's influence.

I think it was well worth the price, and will see a lot of play in our house.  I love that it plugs in instead of using batteries; we seemed to always have the bad luck that whatever toy we wanted to play with had dead batteries in it, which meant interrupting a scene to look for that giant costco pack of batteries that we had trouble finding storage for.  Finally, at the back of the pantry or on top of the bathroom cabinet we'd come up with a pack of 40 AAAs and 34 Cs to find we needed four AAs for this particular toy.  Ugh.  By then we'd both have lost our groove.  Since this plugs into the wall, there's no last minute scramble, and even better, there's no dying of vibration as the battery runs out just as you're approaching orgasm.  I swear, some of my old toys were sadistic in and of themselves.

This would be a great toy for the solo/single player, but can also have great benefits for playing in pairs.  What an incentive for giving a great blow job!  I can't wait to try it during a flogging or spanking, too.  Overall, a terrific investment and a fabulous add to the toy box.

Another excellent Hogtied production with the wand:

Orgasmegeddon brought to you by KeezMovies.com

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Technique Tuesday: Bathroom Use Control

One of the most intimate activities of humans is that which takes place in the bathroom.  We close doors for a reason. Potty training reinforces the control we're to have in this area, and as we learn to become self-sufficient human beings, we begin to control our own bathroom use and the privacy therein.

Unless.

Unless of course, you are a slave, who hands all decisions over to her Master, and he decides that he'd like to use control over your bathroom use as one way to assert his ownership over you.

To be fair, this is actually something I requested in our lives.  It is, to me, a very intimate way of connecting to your slave, and to her animal instincts and urges.  As a pet owner, I control when my dog gets to go outside to do her business; if I'm busy, even if she asks nicely, she may have to wait a few minutes.  Why should it be any different for me, as a slave animal, when my owner is around?

Our rules around bathroom use are simple; if we are in the same room, I must ask to leave the room (which includes going to the bathroom), if he is home, I must ask to use the bathroom, and if we have messenger open on the computer while he is at work, I must ask to use the bathroom.  In the case of him being at work, if there is no answer, I am to wait fifteen minutes and then go.  Sometimes I wait longer, just because I'd rather wait for him to return.  Sometimes, if I am involved in something and don't ask until the need is urgent, that fifteen minutes is pure agony.

So, what's fun about it?

Well, other than the basics of being controlled, squirming desperate begging girls are one of my Master's biggest turn-ons.  Sometimes I think he loves seeing the ever-more-desperate messages on IM when I really have to go and he's away working.  (I like to beg the fifteen minutes away just in case he comes back to have mercy early).  The visual aspect, in person, is not to be easily dismissed either.  Wriggling around and squeezing your thighs together can look remarkably similar to sexual arousal in some respects.

Desperation can come on quickly or slowly, depending on how much liquid has been consumed, and of course a slave is very vulnerable to torture when in this position, either by being forced to drink more liquid, or by pressing on her already full bladder.  It's a great time for humiliation as well, and imagine the horror at being taken out in public while incredibly desperate!

Additionally, a full bladder presses on the interior of the G-spot, so that pressure from an increasingly enlarged and full bladder can cause sexual arousal.  Who'd have thought?  Well, the Japanese for one, who have a whole fetish, omorashi, revolving around women with full bladders.  They have a game show about it, where girls compete to hold out the longest, and it has a huge anime/manga subculture attached to it.  Just think, all those desperate girls who only need to find the right Dom to beg for their release from!  Oh, bathroom release of course.  We'll have to talk about begging for the other kind of release another time.

So, what's it like in practice?

It can be intense.  It can be a big turn-on, though it's hard for me to define whether it's giving over control that sets my motor humming or whether it's the physical sensation of that press on the G-spot.  There is definitely some sort of physical component involved, though it may be friction from all the squirming and the concentration on muscle control.  I don't enjoy holding it so long that I end up with cramps, or so long that I completely lose control, though who knows if Master will push me that far some day.  The thought both frightens and excites me. 

It's important to be aware that if you are prone to frequent kidney or bladder infections, have a UTI, or kidney disease, or any other disorder where holding your urine could cause medical problems that bathroom use control is not for you.  Like any other BDSM activity, your own mental and physical health should come before kink.  It helps if you do regular kegel exercises, which will greatly increase both your control and your comfort.

If you're unsure, give it a try on a limited basis.  It might be your thing, and you might like that squirmy intensity.

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Weekend Musings: Play Parties, Munches, and Public Gatherings

Recently, the Masterly one was talking with some people online who were saying they had no interest in or intention on attending any munches, workshops or the like because they were too "private."  Another woman on MyDungeonSpace mentioned in a forum post about her first foray into "public play" (in reality, a private meeting between her and someone she'd met on the internet) was disastrous, and had turned her off of any rt meetings in the BDSM realm.  Both of these things boggle my mind.

I've known that I was very interested in BDSM from a young age, and so my first attempts to connect with others were done at an age too young to really do such things (not something I recommend, I could have gotten a lot of people in trouble for my lies about my age).  I never had any qualms about meeting people, and a time or two that got me into trouble - mainly because I disregarded the advice given to me by more experienced players - but when it came right down to it, I gained far more than I lost from the public interaction.

After I met my Masterly one, we moved to a smallish town in northern Alberta for a number of years.  This was a culture shock from growing up in Chicago in many ways, not the least of which was the lack of an active and thriving BDSM community.  (And the lack of great libraries, great theatre, great improv comedy, a great ballet company, a great symphony orchestra, jazz clubs, interesting galleries, a beach, a thriving arts scene, compassion and acceptance for people leading alternative lifestyles... shall I go on?  Lets just say I spent a long, long time being miserably homesick and crying when movies showed the Chicago skyline).  When we moved here to Calgary, in so many, many ways I had a sense of coming home.  I'd never lived here before. Heck, I'd never even visited Calgary before, so we moved here blind. Still and all, there was a rich and wonderful city to explore, and some of the best people we've met have been those in the local BDSM scene.

We started off at a MAsT meeting, where we had the chance to chat with other couples who lived lifestyles much like our own.  I'm naturally incredibly shy, and it took me some time to be able to speak up.  Everyone else knew each other, and seemed to have known one another for quite a while.  Would we fit in?  Would we be shunned as newbs?  Yes, we would fit in just fine, and no, of course we weren't shunned.  I began to relax into a familiar head space; being among people who really understood me.

When you are different from the norm, it can be very difficult to feel like someone can really relate to you.  Sure, you may share interests with your vanilla friends, but you have to watch the way you refer to your partner, the things that you share.  If you mention that you have a hobby of making rope floggers, those girls from the book club are going to look at you a little funny.  In reality, even if you live in a 24/7 TPE relationship as we do, that part of you is probably only 25% of your life.  What that means though, is that you're always hiding that 25% of who you are.  You can never be wholly and unabashedly yourself.

But you can, with kink friends.  I know that my Masterly one worried, because he didn't have much rt experience interacting with others, and for the time before I met him, he'd been hanging around in Gorean chat rooms (and it's rare to find a more intolerant group, in general, than Goreans.  Let's be honest here.)  He was worried that people would judge him because he practiced his lifestyle differently from the way they might, I think.  But what I knew was that it didn't work that way.  There is so much intolerance in the rest of the world that in general, the kink world embraces you for who you are, and appreciates you for what it is that you do, even if it isn't what they do.  "Your kink is not my kink, and that's okay."

Once you're able to relax with people, once you're able to be one hundred percent yourself, you can create deeper friendships more quickly than you'd ever dream possible.  It's a wonderful thing.

Munches

You can't tell munch groups from other restaurant patrons

We go to three different munch groups in the area now, and we've met amazing people at all of them.  We don't have to worry about getting funny looks when Master orders for both of us, or when I ask his permission to go to the restroom.  People don't question why I wait to start eating until he begins (sometimes a challenge to wait when plates are coming out in a staggered fashion for a large group!), and they don't stare if I'm wearing a collar of some sort.  Most of the conversation is normal everyday chatter, such as what the construction down town is doing to traffic patterns or how the Stanley Cup playoffs are going.  Other times, we might be talking about a new toy we bought or a workshop or event coming up, though instead of this being about a camper or boat or a concert or comedy show, we're talking about Hitachi wands and leather cuffs, sounding workshops and play parties.

If you've never been to a munch, it's a great first step in the public BDSM arena.  The dress is casual, the location vanilla (generally a restaurant, bar, or pub of some sort), and the conversation is typically mild.  It's not a meat market, so don't go expecting to find a person to take home, it's about making friends and getting to know one another.  It's a great networking tool, as well, to find out who the kink-friendly professionals in your area are, or to find out when the less-publicized events are taking place.  I've heard some people express concern about not knowing how to "act" at a munch, but really, if you have enough manners that you're not generally kicked out of restaurants when you're there on your own, you're going to be fine.  There are generally no protocols in place, and if you are new and submissive, no one is going to start ordering you around or making demands of you.  Or, if they do, they will generally get put in their place by other attendees pretty darn quick.

Play Parties

Some play parties are hosted by groups, such as Whiplash Productions or Bottoms Up here in Calgary or COPE (Come Out and Play Edmonton) a bit north of here.  These usually involve an entry fee, and the signing of a few documents about liability.  If you've never played at a party before, you don't have to be afraid here either.  Check out the rules and regulations of wherever you are playing; most venues do not allow photography or recordings.  They have cleaning supplies available, and usually provide beverages and snacks. There are usually standard safewords used (the red-yellow-green system is prevalent here).

Why are play parties great?  Because often you'll get to try new things that you never dreamed of.  Let's face it, some BDSM toys and activities come with hefty price tags.  For example, when we were up in that small northern town, we invested in a cupping set because we thought it was interesting.  And, it was, luckily enough for us, something we enjoyed.  For other things that spark our interest though, we did not want to make the investment without knowing what the payoff would be.  Luckily for us, there are play parties.

This weekend I discovered a new love; the violet wand.  I wouldn't have known the tricks you can do with it, or the various sensations you can create if it hadn't been for a couple of friends of ours. I got to play with it (or, more accurately, get played WITH, with it) for quite a lot that evening, and can't wait to try it again.  Would it have been a good investment for us?  Yes.  But that $300 - 600 to buy one isn't easy to spend without knowing.

Also, at play parties, you can get introduced to new techniques.  I have loved fire play for a long time.  What fire play with a girl who almost was killed in a house fire?  Yeah.  Fire scares the hell out of me, because I know the destructive power of it rather intimately.  It's why I love it.  This weekend, a lovely Dom friend set me on fire.

We had dabbled in a bit of fire play with cigars and the like in the past, but never had heard of nor knew how to implement the use of flash cotton in our scenes.  It was positively breathtaking for me, and I cannot wait to do it again.  I never would have known how much it would affect me if it hadn't been for that experience at a play party.  Believe me, fantasies are nice and all, but reality is so much better.  I mean heck, I also got elaborately bondaged to another beautiful woman, and got to spank a really cute girl with a paddle.  How can you have more fun in a night than all that??

Workshops

For the new-to-the-lifestyle BDSMer, workshops are a godsend.  They are the way that one generation of kinksters can pass along their knowledge and wisdom to the next.  There are many, many activities that I believe everyone should attend a workshop for before attempting (including sounding, single-tail whippings, brandings, needles, heck most every edge play scenario, electrical play, etc) if they do not have someone to mentor them in the skill. 

Lets take sounding as a great example.  This is something I've been curious about for some time, but hadn't even mentioned it to my Master because without a workshop, wasn't NO ONE gonna stick me with one of those babies.  I may be a no-limits slave, but thankfully he is smart enough not to actually do that without learning first (or any other activity for that matter).  It was during a conversation at a munch that it came up that there was more interest in the community for it than just me, and talk came up about a workshop possibly being held this fall.  Score!  See why munches are useful?  It's that networking thing.

Workshops are a great way to try new activities under supervision after being carefully taught.  As the submissive partner in the relationship, it allays a lot of my fear, and makes me feel safe from harm.  There is nothing like education on a topic to make it accessible to everyone.

To make a long post even longer, all I have to say is that for those who are afraid of public events, get yourself out there!  There are so many more possibilities than you'll ever know, if you don't stick your toe in the pool.  If you are afraid, like me, of being accepted because you don't look like a playboy bunny, then stop being silly.  No one looks like a playboy bunny, unless they carry around an airbrush kit to use on themselves moment-to-moment.  If you're afraid because it would compromise your name, know that those in the scene are generally discreet and respectful.  They accept the use of pseudonyms (scene names) because there is always that risk of your identity getting around.  Unless you are outing others, it's unlikely that anyone is going to be rude and cruel enough to out you.  If you're afraid of not knowing what to do, just tell people you're new.  You'll find someone to take you under their wing.

Trust me, it's gonna be okay.

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Review Thursday: Nipple Bulb

Just like last week, our review focuses this Thursday on an item we purchased from Pink Cherry.  I would link you directly to the items, but they appear to have been removed from the site; perhaps they're out of stock for now.  If you're looking for them, keep an eye on Pink Cherry's Nipple Toy Page or check out other sites online.  I've seen this item in lots of places, so it shouldn't be too difficult to locate. I believe that we spent about $15 Canadian on this item, though your price may vary at different locations.  The first thing I thought of was how awesome this would be for people with inverted nipples, because they seem to offer long-term nipple erection.  Interesting!

The box contains a rubber ball suction device attached to a glass column, and four small silicone type rubber bands. You slide one of the rings onto the glass column, then depress the suction device before placing it over a nipple, allowing it to suck the nipple up into the tube before sliding the ring down onto the base of the nipple.

A caveat here:  This is very size specific.  I would recommend checking this out at your local adult toy store for scale before purchase. The glass column itself is a little narrow.  It barely, barely worked on my nipples (which I will admit, are probably a bit larger than average, but not too extreme!).  If nipples were quite small (such as on a male) the column would likely be quite a bit bigger than necessary.


This size difference wouldn't be such a big deal if the way the item was intended to work wasn't so dependent on size.  The rings are roughly the same size as the glass column, and so being slid down onto very small nipples, I can see where they would simply fall off.  For someone who is just the right size, on the other hand, this is an interesting toy.

Once upon a time, we had snakebite kit type nipple suckers which I adored.  We also had little nipple "nooses" which we had a lot of fun with - particularly being worn under clothing to maintain permanently erect nipples when out in public.  This promised a similar type of sensation to these two, hopefully combining the best of both worlds.

Master had a little bit of struggle with the placement of this, again because the sizing was pretty tight.  The suction was pretty delicious; not super-strong so it wasn't painful, but strong enough that you couldn't ignore what was going on.  There's a sudden snapping shock of sensation when the band is rolled down and onto the nipples.  It definitely made me jump.  You'll want to steel yourself for that moment; it's not painful like the bite of a clamp, but somehow extremely jarring.  With the band in place, the suction bulb can be gently wriggled off.  That's just the start of the fun.

The light binding of the nipple isn't painful, but it does ensure that the nipple will stay hard.  This is where I think it would come in handy for people with inverted nipples.  The band around the base will allow for plenty of nipple stimulation; it's small, and so doesn't block off the nipple in any way.  If desired, you could play with the nipple manually or orally or use other toys such as clamps, vibration, anything you would like to stimulate the nipple while it's standing up proudly.  The visual is kind of nice too, as it does stand it up high and hard, the suction making it quite tall.

After a little time, I reminded the Masterly type of the "other" place that we often used the snakebite style suckers in the past.  Yep, that sensitive little nub between the legs.  I was worried with the narrow glass tube that this wouldn't work well, but when it comes down to it, my clit isn't terribly huge.  And it does love the suction.  Oh my.

The Masterly one got an evil glint in his eye.  He loves playing with toys.  And suction things, too.  It wasn't more than a minute before he was between my legs.  There was some initial yelping and protest as I was still a bit sore from some rough activities the night before, but within a minute or two he had me purring like a kitten and squirming with splayed thighs.  He knows just how to push my buttons, this one in particular.

At any rate, before long, he had the toy poised over my clit.  The suction here was far, far more intense of a sensation than on the nipples.  It still wasn't painful, but that may be just because I enjoy the sensations so much.  I'm not sure if the silicone ring ever made it onto my clit, as I quickly got so aroused by the tugging and pulling on the bulb itself that I was close to orgasm.  I never had that jumpy OMG moment that I did when it slid onto my nipples so I suspect not.  It wasn't long before I was exploding, and Master was using his mouth to remove the rings from my nipples... ahhh bliss.

Overall this is a fun, non-severe toy that will work well for even those with zero pain tolerance.  I still think the snake bit suckers are a little better on my clit but the rings make this unique.  I'm interested in finding out how the rings perform in keeping nipples at full attention long-term, under clothes, out in public, but that'll have to wait for another occasion.  I do think they'll perform well, though.

A warning:  Be sure that the nipple is completely encased in the glass tube before sliding the band down onto the base of the nipple.  With one try, it was at a bad angle, and the band slid onto the base of my nipple on one side and the middle on the other side (at an angle in other words).  This did result in some pretty intense discomfort, though it was quickly remedied.

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Technique Tuesday: The Art of the Tease

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Weekend Musings: Rules and Protocol

One of the things I see a lot of online are people who are new to D/s, who are looking for a be-all, end-all list of rules for their submissive or slave to follow.  I do understand wanting to do everything "right" when you start out, and wanting to have a dynamic that works, but unfortunately there is no quick and dirty instant set of D/s rules and behaviours that are going to work for everyone.

I know there are multiple lists of "slave rules" and "submissive rules" circulating on the internet.  I also know there are Gorean rules, and Leather rules and "Old Guard" rules.  There are rules for different types of submissives and lists of the different types.  So, who's right?  Well, all of them are.  And none of them are.

The thing is, that no set of rules is going to be right for everyone.  There's a list of 128 slave rules that is pretty well circulated, and includes an awful lot of rules that would spell disaster for us.  I get to leave my Master whenever I want and he always has to take me back?  No.  I have to have my nipples and labia pierced?  Yeah, Master doesn't like the idea of someone messing with his toys.  I get a safe word I can use whenever I want?  I threatened to use it when it was time to do the dishes when I read that one.  Muahaha.

There's really only one rule that should be required in any D/s relationship:  Do what the Dominant partner says.  For every couple that's going to be something completely different.  For the two of us, the protocols are simple and have developed and evolved over our ten years together.  I walk a step behind him (or sometimes a bit more) when we're walking together.  We may be side by side, but I'm slightly behind his shoulder, with my hand tucked through his arm or holding his hand.  I don't start eating until he does.  I ask to leave the room, even if it's just to go to the bathroom or check on the laundry.  I take care of the housework and anything additional he asks me to do in the morning (book appointments, research something, etc).  I prepare a menu for approval every week, then prepare the shopping list.  I feed the animals, take the dog outside, and brush and groom them.  He chooses my clothing if we're going out.  During various times, I may be assigned extra things to do if we're busy, or fewer things to do if I'm ill.  Always, I do things to his desires, such as choosing foods he likes to make instead of ones I'd prefer.  Always, I do these things to please him.

He doesn't need to micromanage me.  We went through a phase of that early on in the relationship.  We had a million rules, for everything from how to get into bed at night to how to do the dishes.  And you know what happened?  We both hated it.  It's a great fantasy, that you can make a rule for anything and it's always obeyed, every moment of the day planned by someone else, no decisions to make, but in reality, it totally ... sucks.  What if this morning I want to put in the laundry before I unload the dishwasher?  What if it's Wednesday and I want to wear a skirt, because it's hot, but it's slacks day?  It's crazy to have a bunch of inflexible rules, and just makes you miserable in the long run.

Still, which rules are important and which make you crazy is going to change from couple to couple.  Sometimes, when you are learning how the Dominant partner wants things, it helps to have rules.  For example, in planning the menu, it helps to know that beans and spinach are forbidden, and salads and tomatoes encouraged.  There are preferences, but these need not be made into hard and fast rules.  The best way is your way, no one elses.  Make your own rules, and watch your relationship grow in the most beautiful ways.  Rules can bring you closer when they're personalized just for you.

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Review Thursday: Singapore Stinger III Paddle

A few weeks ago, the Masterly type made an order with Pink Cherry.  Attention Canadians: this website actually has reasonably priced adult toys.  Their bdsm and bondage selection is slim, compared with some US sites, but you don't have to worry about customs and brokerage fees, outrageous shipping or long delays in getting your order.  The package arrived exactly when they said it would (about a week after placing the order online) in perfect condition, nice plain packaging, packed well and with everything exactly as we'd ordered it, plus a little thank you packet with some lube samples inside.

One of the items we bought was a little bamboo paddle produced by Pipedream called the Singapore Stinger III, which retails for $11.99 CAD on their website.  We've seen it for much less in the US, but adding shipping makes it twice as much.  It looked lightweight and simple, and like the kind of thing most people buy as a starter toy, so we thought it would work well for a review. At 11" long and 4" wide it's small enough for even the tiniest female to handle easily.  Unfortunately, that means that the Masterly one's hands kind of dwarfed the thing, but that's nothing new.

For me, this did not deliver the kind of spanking I'm generally looking for.  I'm not sure if it was the circumstances or the paddle itself, but afterwards I was left feeling cranky and kind of angry instead of reaching that blissful release I usually arrive at somewhere in the middle of impact play.  I think that the Masterly one was having trouble with the use of the paddle itself, because the blows seemed to be inconsistent and out of rhythm, which is unusual for him.  It might have been me getting an attitude too, because toward the beginning of the spanking there were a couple smacks to my bare calves.

Now, we don't do limits or safe words, but that nearly inspired some creative thinking to figure out how to introduce one in the middle of a session.  The backs of my knees and the backs of my calves are so very, very sensitive.  They, along with the insides of my elbows, the small of my back, and the back of my neck are some of my most easily arousable erogenous zones.  They also, as a general rule, do not respond well to pain.  So I started off a bit on the wrong foot, so to speak.

As to the blows itself, there is something about the size and shape of this paddle that just doesn't do it.  It's too large to have the stingy, bendy thwacky hit that a wooden spoon or spatula has.  It's too small to have the proper thud of impact that a paddle has.  It's somewhere in between.

Halfway through the spanking, the kind of warm up I usually get started.  If we'd started there, I might have had a different experience, because this is where the paddle seemed most effective.  When you can get into a consistent rhythm with blows that are also consistent in speed and force of impact, it's actually pretty nice.  I started to relax and enjoy myself.  I felt myself warming up, my muscles letting go, and my body getting into it.  Unfortunately for me, that period didn't last nearly long enough.

The way this paddle hits is just not that pleasant when it's more than a light whack.  Now, I know, not all spankings are meant to be pleasant, but all of you who get thwacked with stuff out there know that there's a difference between a good hurt and a bad hurt, and the harder whacks with this paddle were all bad hurt to me.  Too sharp, not enough weight behind the impact, and the vast difference between one blow and another just had me all over the place. I was getting antsy and agitated and I couldn't find a place to concentrate.  I found myself digging my fingernails into my hands as hard as I could just to give myself something steady to concentrate on.

Almost an hour later, my hands still hurt (so does my bottom, though) and my palms are still bearing the marks.  Good thing I don't do the long acrylics any more or I'm sure I would have drawn blood.  Now, I say this because I think a good deal of the responsibility for this lies with the tool itself.  I've never had this kind of feeling during a spanking before, and have had many many many over the ten years we've been together.  I've never felt this need to inflict pain on myself just to distract myself from what's going on; usually I'm losing myself in the sensation and concentrating only on what's going on.   I'm not usually a complainer about toys, but whew... this one really disappointed.

Does it sting?  Oh yeah, it lives up to it's name.  My rear end is still suffering.  And the after-glow part isn't as bad as the spanking itself was.  I like that ache that lasts for a long time, and I hope this one does as well, so that I get something out of it.  I'm told that the Masterly one got to hear noises out of me he'd never heard before, so there's something unique too. The problem was that they were yells of rage, which generally isn't what we're after.   Ironically, even though I wasn't restrained, there wasn't any crawling away, or even trying to cover myself with my hands.  Why?  The thing was a bastard enough where he meant to hit me with it, I didn't trust moving to improve the situation any.  It felt like the tool was out of control in some ways, so I felt like I needed to be in control to compensate.  Which of course is another reason I never reached that bliss-space which is so much fun to be in.

Overall, while this might work as a light warm-up toy, or might be okay for very light players who don't use anything other than a very casual, very mild hit with a paddle, it's not the thing to use for a serious spanking.  I guess this is one of those situations where you get what you pay for!  It's cheap, but I'd rather bring out the wooden spatula any day.  This made me desperately miss our old ping-pong paddle of yore.

Technique Tuesday: Ropework Corset

Rope bondage has been a favourite activity of ours for a long time now.  It was one of the first interests that my Master had in BDSM, and we've had a lot of fun over the years playing with different types of things.  Usually this has taken the form of breast bondage for play, which is one of my favourite things ever, but this weekend we were playing around with rope corsetry.

The reason for it was simple; next Saturday we'll be attending a play party put on by Whiplash Productions* and Master decided that I'll be wearing the rope corset to the party.  Fun for everyone!  So a test run was in order, to be sure it was feasible and to be sure I'd be able to wear it long term.

When we first started with rope bondage, Master had a pair of heavy-duty scissors available at all times, just in case I panicked or needed to be out of it fast.  As time went on, and I became more and more enamored of the feeling of bondage, we began working on longer and longer term tie-ups, and more elaborate rope work.  As such, we were not working on a quick release corset, but one which would be knotted in place, and would take a certain amount of time for removal.  This made it more important that it was comfortable long-term.  Well, if not comfortable, per se, something that I could bear long term without whining and driving him crazy.

Being tied into the breast harness first was wonderful.  Of course, breast bondage is one of my favourite things.  There is something about feeling confined and controlled when you're still able to move around that is just extraordinary.  Not to mention that in particular, breasts - which are such a symbol of femininity and what makes a woman a woman - in confinement seems to bring about an almost spiritual level of submission for me.  It's a way of giving him the very essence of who I am to control.

Detail of knotwork on the back of my neck

I particularly liked this harness tie.  It seemed designed to make my breasts look even bigger than they are naturally, which is kind of impressive in and of itself.  It wasn't constricting enough to cause pain, just a certain tight level of discomfort that I enjoy quite a bit.  It worked up and around my neck with some beautiful, decorative knots on my chest and back.  I love it when bondage can be pretty, too, which is kind of the point of shibari bondage.  I did get the bonus of added sensitivity in my breasts, but this bondage wasn't tight or severe enough to cause restriction in blood flow, so coloration of the breasts didn't change.  This was a good thing; that kind of bondage shouldn't be worn long term, or in a situation like a play party where it might not be easy to undo myself quickly.

When the corset began, I did have a little bit of trouble.  We'd had a busy day, and I was tired and feeling a little sick after dinner, and the being spun in circles made me dizzy and nauseous.  Sometimes I really love being manhandled, but I'd already been spun a little bit for the breast harness and this was just too much.  I had to request a break.  Thankfully, Master was understanding and let me sit down and catch my breath.  There's always a risk for us in bondage that constricts my chest because I have asthma, so he's usually pretty good about letting me monitor how I'm feeling and giving me the leeway I might need in these situations.  After about ten minutes of controlling my breathing and drinking some water, I was doing better, and we went back to work.

It didn't take long to complete the corset, and to avoid making me dizzy again, this time Master walked around me to work on it. Pretty soon he was tying it off.  I loved the row of knots down the front of my body; they were beautiful and added a bit of structure to the feel of the corset.  I didn't think it was particularly tight, definitely not uncomfortably so, but I think that may have done with it going on slowly and having a break in the middle.  After it was removed, however, I had quite a nice pattern of rope marks in my skin, an added bonus that Master seemed to particularly love.

Aftermath: My Back

Wearing the corset was definitely something I could do for hours, and I was sorry and protesting when it was time to take it off for bed.  It should be a blast to wear it at the play party this coming Saturday, where all of you attending can check out Master's knotwork for yourselves.  I can't wait to be tied in again!


*You can find Whiplash Productions here on FetLife.  This is the event listing for the workshops and play party this coming weekend.  Come out and play!  We'd love to see you there.

Weekend Musings: Music to Scream By

Music has always been an important part of my life.  I grew up in a family where, as the youngest grandchild, I was my opera-singing grandfather's last best hope for a family prodigy.  I took singing lessons, guitar lessons, flute lessons and piano lessons.  I partially paid for my college tuition by singing in a small bar and in a wedding band.  My CD walkman went everywhere with me until there were mp3 players... and now it's my iPod that is my constant companion.  I have over 50 gigs of music on my computer, which would apparently take 40 days worth of non-stop listening to work my way through.  I love music. 

It shouldn't be surprising then, that the music that's played during a BDSM scene is important to me.  I have my favorites, some of which inspire my lyrically, and some of which inspire me musically, but my list is constantly changing.  For a long time, I thought the best thing ever was being whipped to Mozart's Requiem in D Minor.  It's still a perennial favourite, but my current list of "best scene songs ever" includes a few more contemporary artists.  Following are the songs which currently have a home on my hottest of the hot, scene playlist.

 

Garbage: I fell in love with this band in the 90s, and it's been a part of many many scene oriented playlists over the years.  My current loves include Only Happy When It Rains and Push It.  Both have nice rhythm which, at least for me, enhances impact play significantly.

Nine Inch Nails:  Their sound goes right through me when I'm in the right mood.  Only, Head Like a Hole, Closer, and The Hand That Feeds are on my current must-orgasm-to list. 

 Muse: Time is Running Out

 

Breaking Benjamin:  I fell in love with their sound during a pretty dark period in my life, and it seemed to resonate with my more black emotions.  It makes sense then that it would appeal to me during the darkest of scenes, no?  My favourites include Topless, So Cold and Breath.

 Bush: Comedown, Glycerin

David Draiman:  I kind of have a little bit of a vamp fetish.  Okay, maybe more than a little bit.  What's sexier than a big strong scary someone that is going to bite you and make you bleed?  Makes me shiver.  From one of my favourite vampire flicks, Queen of the Damned, the song is Forsaken.

Evanescence:  This one might be a little cliched.  Lots and lots of people like them for scene music, and I tend to hate being trendy.  But you know, sometimes trends happen for a reason.  Their ethereal sound, heavy bass and even their dark lyrics make them a natural mate to BDSM scenes.  Try Bring Me to Life, My Immortal, or Sweet Sacrifice.

What belongs on the playlist next?  You tell me.  What's on your BDSM scene playlist, and why?  What moves you?  What do you like to feel - bass?  Percussion?  Heavy guitar?  What speaks to your soul?

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Review Thursday: Spartacus Press Clamps

The Masterly type and I were out to catch a movie, and of course before a movie, shopping is a great way to kill time.  Especially when there's an adult boutique down the street from the movie theatre.

I'd like to take a moment of my time to tell you Americans that you are very lucky in the adult toy marketplace arena.  My girlfriends and I used to shop at the big discount stores up in Wisconsin when I lived in Chicago, and the prices were phenomenal.  Even the prices at the little shops in the city beat Canadian prices by a country mile.  I never appreciated then how nice it was to be able to have a huge toy collection.  Which is part of why losing our whole collection in our fire was such a horrible thing.  But I digress...

As we wandered about and I pointedly avoided the wide varieties of feathers on sticks (one of these days I will explain my utter horror at being tickled.  It is the worst thing EVAH), we caught sight of these little babies, hanging on the wall among the small array of fetish items.

We had quite a collection of nipple toys in the past, but had never tried clamps quite like this before.  We were both fascinated by the way they worked, as opposed to our old favourites of tweezer clamps and clover clamps.  I have rather large nipples, so sometimes clamps are hard to use effectively, but these had a nice size to them, so we went ahead and picked them up on impulse.

I really like the feel of cold metal on my skin.  It's scary and goose bump inducing and threatening somehow.  So, I like clamps with metal chains.  Master... not so much.  He finds chains to be a bit more of a pain than a help, though pulling on the chains is an entertainment he seems to enjoy.  I also really like that the whole body of the clamp is metal.  It gives a sharpness to clamps that rubber cushioned tips soften almost too much sometimes.

At first, I found these clamps to be pretty mild.  I'm not sure how tightly they were adjusted, but while it was a nice mild pressure, there wasn't an initial "bite" of pain.  I immediately grabbed the chain and pulled upward.  Oh.  They came right off.  Either they weren't very tight, or just were very slippery without rubber grips.  Either way, it made Master look both amused and annoyed with me.  I think he probably was sorry he hadn't restrained my hands.

Once they were readjusted, we went back to what we were doing.  Namely, I remained positioned across the leather ottoman in front of him, and he resumed the movie (the 1974 version of Swept Away).  For endurance play, these work well, as my body seemed to adjust to the level of compression easily enough, leaving a throb, but not a huge amount of pain.

Every so often, Master would tighten them a bit, increasing the pressure, giving more pain, making me squirm more and more.  He likes having a toy at his disposal during movies and the like, so he spent lots of time just idly toying with the clamps and my clamped nipples.  The compression made them extremely sensitive, and even light brushes of his fingertips over the tips of them was very intense.  Tugging was really nice with these clamps, I think because of the configuration of the compression and where the chains are located on the clamps.  Whatever the physics of it, I could feel it quite deeply, and it shot both pleasure and pain through my body. Often it feels like a pull on a chain is only pulling on the skin of the nipples - particularly with "toothy" clamps, but this definitely lifted the full breast, with a completely different set of sensations when the chains were straight up (while on my back) or in other directions.

It took a bit of time, but it wasn't long before we were reaching my endurance limit.  This is something I think I'd like to work on, cause I was feeling a little bit like a wimp as I whined and squirmed around. Being as he can read me so easily, it was only a minute or two after I had the thought of "Oh holy crap I hope these come off soon" before they were being removed.  Because the compression is lifted gradually by the thumbscrew instead of suddenly, there is no OMG moment when they first come off.  I actually kind of missed that.  The sick feeling you get in your stomach when you really, really want the clamps to come off but are terrified of that shock of pain when the blood returns probably won't happen next time, because I know it's a gradual thing.  Perhaps if they were yanked off all at once you'd still get that... something to experiment with in the future!

Overall, I really like these clamps, and because of their slightly milder nature, they are great for endurance play.  These would be fun to use during a more prolonged scene, combined with flogging or other impact play, because they are easier to wear longer-term.  I think it was a great purchase and look forward to more playtime involving them.

Read His View for more information

Technique Tuesday: The One-Smack Spanking

We all have days where we want pain, where we want a bit of play, and just don't have the time.  It's already almost bedtime, you've had a rough day, you're tired.  You have time for sex but nothing elaborate.  What do you do?

In particular, I love having a tender, stinging bottom.  Getting that way with a slow warm-up, and a long hard spanking rocks my socks.  But getting to the destination via a shortcut can work well too.  That's where the one-smack spanking comes in.

Yowch!

It's a little scary.  I shake.  That's okay, cause when I'm shaking and scared, Master gets really turned on.  I know that I'm going to get a smack with almost his full strength.  And when it comes, it leaves a print.  A nice, red outline of a hand on my bottom, that is incredible in it's initial impact and stings as much as a long warm-up does.

The interesting thing about it is, that afterwards, when Master sat me on my bum, what I felt was a sting and tingle in the shape of his hand.  The "shape" of it was interesting, and very different from a "regular" spanking.  The landing of the blows themselves is very intense, and provoked some interesting words from my lips.  I'm usually pretty squealy and squirmy, but I don't usually cuss during a spanking.  This time?  Oh yeah, the cussing came out.  But the intensity is mitigated by the brevity.  I knew I could deal with it, because it was going to be done and over with.

The effectiveness of this depends on what you're after.  I had only a very mild next-day ache, and the next day I found myself craving lots of pain and a very long session.  If you follow this blog, you might have seen me post about it here.  I think if the goal is to leave the submissive partner wanting more, this is a good way to get there.  It is not a substitute for a "real" spanking, when you really need one, but it's a fun way to implement a little bit of playing into a busy day where you don't have the time and/or inclination to set up or deal with a full out evening long activity.  Let's face facts, sometimes in life you have half an hour from start to finish, and if you want sex too, a long session of butt swatting is not in the cards.  This is a great way to introduce a bit of head space, add a little fun, and make a souvenir photo for all parties involved of a nicely printed hand.

Read His View for more information

Weekend Musings: On Punishments

I've been following some threads on FetLife lately about punishments, and it's had me thinking a lot about our particular dynamic and when we do and don't incorporate punishments in our lives.

Because our dynamic is fluid, and constantly changing to fit our needs, we've flexed in and out of more and less severe punishment states.  More often than not, I am not punished for my misdeeds, because I honestly do my best and when I do slip up, it's a mistake, not willful disobedience.  I can only think of one or two times I knew what I was doing was wrong and did it anyway, and that was very early on in our relationship, before things were really very solidified between us.

But what if punishment is what I want?

Sometimes, it's much more about me than about him, I think.  I tear myself up with guilt over my mistakes.  It's one of my little personality quirks.  I feel responsible for his displeasure, whether it was through my actions or someone else's, which is something he has tried to break me of over the years (I feel that it's my responsibility to make his life easy, free of difficulty, and fun, as much as possible), but when it's my doing that causes him a problem, it is heart-rending.

I grew up Catholic.  Lots of stuff is a sin.  Heck, I was taught that thinking about a sin was as bad as actually committing it.  Worse, I was told that I was personally hurting Jesus' heart by sinning.  However, by confessing and doing penance, I could be forgiven, and my slate would be wiped clean.  It's a nice idea, that no matter what you do, if you are contrite and take your punishment, you can start over.  I don't necessarily believe that's true logically, and I'm no longer Catholic (I converted to Buddhism many years ago) but I think that something about the sin-confession-penance-forgiveness cycle became so deeply ingrained in me that I need that full procession to take place so that I can forgive myself as well.

I'm good at the confession part.  When I first met my Master, he was startled by how easily I told him whatever I had done wrong, even if there would have been no way for him to know I'd done anything wrong.  This was handy, because at the time we met and became friends, he had a rather nasty little sub serving him who liked to tattle-tail.  Kind of burned her butt a little bit that she couldn't get one up on me by telling on me, I think, which made things even more delicate between she and I, but that's a story for another day.  I still will confess to whatever I feel my shortcomings are.  I suppose for some this would be humiliating, but I prefer to think of it as humbling, instead.  Since it is his right to know everything about me, I consider confession to anything and everything to be a part of that deal.

The penance part is what trips us up sometimes.  If we skip that, and move straight to forgiveness, I often just can't move past it.  It doesn't have to be serious or elaborate, but fifteen minutes of quiet time in the corner - definitely humiliating and not fun at all - can be enough to let me feel that I've paid the price for my misdeed.

I would never act out just to get a punishment, because I know that with my Master punishment isn't for fun.  And I really wouldn't want it to be any other way between us.  But if punishment were severe and overly painful, I think that I wouldn't trust him either.  Granted, it is generally scaled to the severity of the offense, and because I want to please him, I don't commit severe "bad acts"  but I couldn't handle it either if I received bloody whippings for small infractions.

I wonder sometimes about new couples that I hear about, who have a long and strict set of rules, and allow no room for human error.  I think that they will burn out brightly and fast, and possibly both leave lasting damage on one another.  While it hurts a bit to be punished, done right it can also be very healing.  While it can hurt to punish, it can also be very bonding, I believe.

There are others out there who believe that punishment is actually a type of "reward" for bad behaviour, and that that it is inappropriate to assuage guilt in this way.  They state that it should not be the dominant partner's responsibility to help them feel forgiven.  Here is where I disagree, because I think that whatever works for the couple in question is appropriate.  I don't believe, for example, that practicing polygamy is right for me.  That doesn't mean I think all people should practice monogamy and that responsible partners wouldn't practice it.  If it works for you, and you are healthy and happy, then I think you should do it.

For me, confession is good for the soul.  What about you?