Recently we've been seeing a lot about punishments. How, why, when, what for? There is a huge spectrum of people out there and they all have individual opinions on the subject. The question that made this stick in my head was one asking 'do you have punishment in your dynamic'. It actually drew me into the conversation, because we don't 'really' have a use for punishment. Not that I wouldn't punish her if she was directly disrespectful to me, or a myriad of other reasons. Rather, lately, or for a long time actually, she just hasn't done anything 'wrong'.
Now I really prefer it that way, I don't like punishment. I don't think she should like it either. She isn't perfect, but she doesn't have to be. As humans I understand that we make mistakes, and forget things. There is a reason they are called -mistakes-. How do you punish someone for something like that? I suppose you 'can', but what is the result? I don't believe you can make people perfect, everyone has flaws - sometimes you just have to accept that. I'd much rather reward and reinforce positive behaviour.
This isn't to say that when she forgets I just smile and shrug and we have an 'aw shucks' moment. Sometimes it affects me, sometimes I get angry. We have a talk, I say something like 'you can't do things like this'. She agrees, she says she'll try harder. Depending on what happened we have a discussion on how to avoid this thing in the future. Generally - it doesn't happen again - or if it does it's so far apart that I don't remember the last time. For me that's the end of it.
Recently I asked her - 'do you feel like I let you get away with things?'. To which she responded 'no - not really'. Well the 'not really' kind of caught me, it wasn't a flat no, was I not doing my job?
What we've been discussing lately is the probability that she 'needs' that punishment. Now this isn't a new concept, just one that I haven't given much thought. I admit until lately that I hadn't really considered her mental process. I thought that the forgiveness step was enough, that if I told her it was ok, that I wasn't still angry with her, it would be over. Since I can't read her mind I didn't know there was another step involved, and since she doesn't always tell me how shes feeling (god knows I've tried to get her to - this is one thing we continue to work on) sometimes I just don't know what's going on in her head. Maybe one day I'll tell you about the time I had her vocalize her internal monologue, even hearing what she is thinking I don't understand it.
Anyway - what we think the root of the problem is? Her Catholic childhood. I'm good any time I can blame religious upbringing, so I agree.
From what she's told me there is a cycle, something along the lines of - 'Do Wrong', Confess, Be punished, Forgiveness, Absolution. Now generally we're good on the first two steps. She's always come running to me immediately after she does something she knows I won't agree with. We met online, and this behaviour started there. I've always appreciated that about her personality, if she does something 'wrong' I'd much rather she came to me rather than having to discover it on my own, or from someone else. I think this stems from early in our relationship when I told her that I wanted to know everything about her, and hiding anything from me was against the rules.
The problem comes in with the punishment step, sometimes I think she doesn't 'deserve' it - apparently she always thinks she deserves it. We joke about her Catholic guilt, but it's true - she feels guilty about everything, and never lets it go. Now that I understand the cycle, I'm more able to help her through the process. Since I believe it's my job to keep her mental state healthy as well as her physical state this is a great piece of the puzzle.
So what makes a punishment?
Well her last one involved a time out in the corner. Since she was mostly having a mental issue I figured this would give her time to go over it without interruption. I haven't asked if it worked, because that would defeat the purpose. The punishment is over, the action that caused it is in the past and there isn't any point worrying about it further.
Lots of things make a punishment, in fact anything that a person dislikes can be a punishment if they are forced to do it. I suppose cleaning the bathroom could be a punishment, but I'm not sure how that would work. I'm also a firm believer in the 'punishment should fit the crime' saying. Generally if you look at 'the crime' you can think of something fitting that might reinforce a good behaviour and punish the bad.
When a punishment is over -
If you do have a punishment dynamic in your relationship I hope you don't neglect the last steps - forgiveness, and absolution. It is just as important for you to say the words as it is for you to hand out the punishment. Just finishing the punishment and expecting it to be over is naive. You s-type is people too, make sure they get the honey after the stick.
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Showing posts with label Discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Discipline. Show all posts
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Weekend Musings: On Punishments
I've been following some threads on FetLife lately about punishments, and it's had me thinking a lot about our particular dynamic and when we do and don't incorporate punishments in our lives.
Because our dynamic is fluid, and constantly changing to fit our needs, we've flexed in and out of more and less severe punishment states. More often than not, I am not punished for my misdeeds, because I honestly do my best and when I do slip up, it's a mistake, not willful disobedience. I can only think of one or two times I knew what I was doing was wrong and did it anyway, and that was very early on in our relationship, before things were really very solidified between us.
But what if punishment is what I want?
Sometimes, it's much more about me than about him, I think. I tear myself up with guilt over my mistakes. It's one of my little personality quirks. I feel responsible for his displeasure, whether it was through my actions or someone else's, which is something he has tried to break me of over the years (I feel that it's my responsibility to make his life easy, free of difficulty, and fun, as much as possible), but when it's my doing that causes him a problem, it is heart-rending.
I grew up Catholic. Lots of stuff is a sin. Heck, I was taught that thinking about a sin was as bad as actually committing it. Worse, I was told that I was personally hurting Jesus' heart by sinning. However, by confessing and doing penance, I could be forgiven, and my slate would be wiped clean. It's a nice idea, that no matter what you do, if you are contrite and take your punishment, you can start over. I don't necessarily believe that's true logically, and I'm no longer Catholic (I converted to Buddhism many years ago) but I think that something about the sin-confession-penance-forgiveness cycle became so deeply ingrained in me that I need that full procession to take place so that I can forgive myself as well.
I'm good at the confession part. When I first met my Master, he was startled by how easily I told him whatever I had done wrong, even if there would have been no way for him to know I'd done anything wrong. This was handy, because at the time we met and became friends, he had a rather nasty little sub serving him who liked to tattle-tail. Kind of burned her butt a little bit that she couldn't get one up on me by telling on me, I think, which made things even more delicate between she and I, but that's a story for another day. I still will confess to whatever I feel my shortcomings are. I suppose for some this would be humiliating, but I prefer to think of it as humbling, instead. Since it is his right to know everything about me, I consider confession to anything and everything to be a part of that deal.
The penance part is what trips us up sometimes. If we skip that, and move straight to forgiveness, I often just can't move past it. It doesn't have to be serious or elaborate, but fifteen minutes of quiet time in the corner - definitely humiliating and not fun at all - can be enough to let me feel that I've paid the price for my misdeed.
I would never act out just to get a punishment, because I know that with my Master punishment isn't for fun. And I really wouldn't want it to be any other way between us. But if punishment were severe and overly painful, I think that I wouldn't trust him either. Granted, it is generally scaled to the severity of the offense, and because I want to please him, I don't commit severe "bad acts" but I couldn't handle it either if I received bloody whippings for small infractions.
I wonder sometimes about new couples that I hear about, who have a long and strict set of rules, and allow no room for human error. I think that they will burn out brightly and fast, and possibly both leave lasting damage on one another. While it hurts a bit to be punished, done right it can also be very healing. While it can hurt to punish, it can also be very bonding, I believe.
There are others out there who believe that punishment is actually a type of "reward" for bad behaviour, and that that it is inappropriate to assuage guilt in this way. They state that it should not be the dominant partner's responsibility to help them feel forgiven. Here is where I disagree, because I think that whatever works for the couple in question is appropriate. I don't believe, for example, that practicing polygamy is right for me. That doesn't mean I think all people should practice monogamy and that responsible partners wouldn't practice it. If it works for you, and you are healthy and happy, then I think you should do it.
For me, confession is good for the soul. What about you?
Because our dynamic is fluid, and constantly changing to fit our needs, we've flexed in and out of more and less severe punishment states. More often than not, I am not punished for my misdeeds, because I honestly do my best and when I do slip up, it's a mistake, not willful disobedience. I can only think of one or two times I knew what I was doing was wrong and did it anyway, and that was very early on in our relationship, before things were really very solidified between us.
But what if punishment is what I want?
Sometimes, it's much more about me than about him, I think. I tear myself up with guilt over my mistakes. It's one of my little personality quirks. I feel responsible for his displeasure, whether it was through my actions or someone else's, which is something he has tried to break me of over the years (I feel that it's my responsibility to make his life easy, free of difficulty, and fun, as much as possible), but when it's my doing that causes him a problem, it is heart-rending.
I grew up Catholic. Lots of stuff is a sin. Heck, I was taught that thinking about a sin was as bad as actually committing it. Worse, I was told that I was personally hurting Jesus' heart by sinning. However, by confessing and doing penance, I could be forgiven, and my slate would be wiped clean. It's a nice idea, that no matter what you do, if you are contrite and take your punishment, you can start over. I don't necessarily believe that's true logically, and I'm no longer Catholic (I converted to Buddhism many years ago) but I think that something about the sin-confession-penance-forgiveness cycle became so deeply ingrained in me that I need that full procession to take place so that I can forgive myself as well.
I'm good at the confession part. When I first met my Master, he was startled by how easily I told him whatever I had done wrong, even if there would have been no way for him to know I'd done anything wrong. This was handy, because at the time we met and became friends, he had a rather nasty little sub serving him who liked to tattle-tail. Kind of burned her butt a little bit that she couldn't get one up on me by telling on me, I think, which made things even more delicate between she and I, but that's a story for another day. I still will confess to whatever I feel my shortcomings are. I suppose for some this would be humiliating, but I prefer to think of it as humbling, instead. Since it is his right to know everything about me, I consider confession to anything and everything to be a part of that deal.
The penance part is what trips us up sometimes. If we skip that, and move straight to forgiveness, I often just can't move past it. It doesn't have to be serious or elaborate, but fifteen minutes of quiet time in the corner - definitely humiliating and not fun at all - can be enough to let me feel that I've paid the price for my misdeed.
I would never act out just to get a punishment, because I know that with my Master punishment isn't for fun. And I really wouldn't want it to be any other way between us. But if punishment were severe and overly painful, I think that I wouldn't trust him either. Granted, it is generally scaled to the severity of the offense, and because I want to please him, I don't commit severe "bad acts" but I couldn't handle it either if I received bloody whippings for small infractions.
I wonder sometimes about new couples that I hear about, who have a long and strict set of rules, and allow no room for human error. I think that they will burn out brightly and fast, and possibly both leave lasting damage on one another. While it hurts a bit to be punished, done right it can also be very healing. While it can hurt to punish, it can also be very bonding, I believe.
There are others out there who believe that punishment is actually a type of "reward" for bad behaviour, and that that it is inappropriate to assuage guilt in this way. They state that it should not be the dominant partner's responsibility to help them feel forgiven. Here is where I disagree, because I think that whatever works for the couple in question is appropriate. I don't believe, for example, that practicing polygamy is right for me. That doesn't mean I think all people should practice monogamy and that responsible partners wouldn't practice it. If it works for you, and you are healthy and happy, then I think you should do it.
For me, confession is good for the soul. What about you?
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