Weekend Musings: Making Choices

Since I'm off this week I feel entitled to write my weekend post on Monday.  This has nothing to do with the topic, I just have been enjoying my staycation.

I was actually pleasantly surprised about our topic this week.  When we discuss these things I can lay down the 'law' so to speak but it's nice to see inside her head and know how she 'took' it and what she's doing to follow the law.

So - down to it.  Taking away my decision making prowess.  I'm damn good at making decisions, you suggest a problem for me and I can give you an answer.  So what does that have to do with a D/s relationship?  Well, my girl has agreed to hand me all her major decisions.  This is just another way she is subjugated to my will.  Remember I talk about control?  Well what better way is there to control someone than to not allow them to make their own final decisions.

Don't get me wrong, I want her to be self sufficient in some ways and to make her own minor decisions.  It just becomes work if I have to decide everything for her - some micromanagement people get off on that, so don't think that my way is the only way.  Back on topic ... over time we've evolved this 'asking' process so that she knows what to ask for and what to just do on her own (getting a drink of water is done on her own, deciding what clothing to wear out of the house is approved by me).

That's the control background, now the 'asking' background.

She has always had a problem when she thinks she is being a 'burden' on me.  Which basically means any time she wants to ask for something she doesn't because she just wants to make my life easier and not require anything of me.  This is good in a way, I mean it's her personality meshing so well with mine that makes us get along.  The problem I have is that often I never know what she is thinking/feeling/wanting at any given time.  We've been together for 10 years, so I can read her pretty well, but I'm not telepathic.

When does this become a problem?  When I don't necessarily have a 'preference' at any given time.
Ex: Often this occurs when we are shopping and she will stand in one place and look directly at something for a long time.  Normally when she is admiring things she will touch them and look more closely, but when she 'really' wants something it's like she's afraid to touch it.  
It took a while but I discovered what this actually meant and now I use that as her 'signal' for non-verbally asking for things and will make the choice on whether to purchase it or not in that moment.

Now if you look at the above, I don't really care one way or another if I get this particular item for her.  Without her indicating her interest I would never know that she actually wanted the item.  If she didn't indicate her interest so that I could get it for her how would I know?  In effect, if she doesn't ask me she is automatically forcing me to answer 'no'.  I do say 'no', but I also say 'yes' - that is my choice.

Think of it this way, pretend someone asks you something like 'How do you like the weather?' then immediately says 'Oh, you like it just fine'.  Would you appreciate being told how you felt?

Now ...

For a long time we've gone on like that, I would tell her that her opinions and requests were important to me and that she should tell me what is going on in he head (that is a whole different topic, she also had issues just indicating preference or discussing what was going on in there).  I'd almost gotten to the point that I had accepted it wasn't going to change and that sometimes/often she would feel bad because in her head I had refused her requests for things.

Then, not long ago we were having a discussion about choices and it hit me.  What she was really doing was taking away my ability to choose for her.  By internalizing the discussion in her head and not including me she was preventing me from exercising my will on her.  I think this finally hit a chord with her and made sense.  It wasn't just that it was 'important' that she tell me these things, it was critical, because in a (weird) way she was controlling me by not letting me make my own decisions.  She was also creating a tension and maybe even an unhappiness in her every day life that wasn't necessary and could lead to larger problems in the future.

How it's going?

Things are changing slowly, I have noticed a dramatic increase in her vocalizing things that are on her mind.  She has requests, preferences, and asks for things now that before I couldn't drag out of her.  I know this is difficult for her and I'm proud that she is making such a conscious effort.  I am hoping that the 'effort' won't be required for long, and soon it will become habit rather than forced.

Is this something you see in your own relationship?  Are you controlling like I am?  Maybe this is a new way to bring up an old subject for you as well.  Let me know if this works out for you as well as it worked out for me.

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Technique Tuesday: Teasing

So - like with everything there is a story.  For me it started with wanting my slave to be available for me whenever I wanted her to be available.  Sure this might sound sexy, but it wasn't just about sex (or not specifically 'that' kind of available).  It was more about the control - I wanted to know I could touch her wherever and whenever I wanted.  I tried various things, but she never really seemed to get there - she didn't like to be casually touched or played with.  I guess I could kind of understand that, but in a way it was disappointing.

I'm not sure if it was my continued pressing of her, or if she just happened to come across orgasm denial randomly one day - I like to think my training attempts bore fruit, but hey I'm not that picky.  To shorten a long story, I was on board for the orgasm denial, like I needed an excuse to exercise control or something - yeah right.  Things went well, really well actually.  There is a point where she tips over the top of 'interested' and starts falling into the valley of 'cranky' but once we located that point it is easy to manipulate.

I think it was during that process that she found enjoyment in casual attention.  While she was being denied she would beg to just be played with even knowing there wasn't going to be a 'happy ending'.  I wasn't one to object, but I still had other things to do, so she got 'unfocused' attention a lot of the time (this feeds into her mild objectification fetish).  And this is where we are today.

The mental process -

I like begging, desperation, focused 'neediness' and incoherent 'want'.  I like being the one to both give the sensation that leads up to that point, and to control if it continues, stops, or moves into something more intense.  If you've been following along this is likely a 'so what else is new' moment since I seem to say that kind of thing a lot.  There is something to be said of having a 'toy' to play with while you're doing other things - if you haven't tried it, you don't know what you're missing.

The physical process -

This isn't static of course, but is dependant on the position I'm in.  Generally the position involves her leaning against me with my arm around her, or her laying with her head in my lap - this gives me access to the top half of her body.  Now I love her breasts, don't get me wrong, but that isn't what it's all about either.  Remember this is usually 'passive' attention - I'm not really focusing on what I'm doing.  This usually involves petting, stroking and mild nipple play.  Often I'll just stroke her hair, or idly slide my fingers across her stomach.

To pick things up a bit I'll take a minute or two and focus on her nipples, or some mild breath play.  I usually don't continue for prolonged periods when I'm just teasing - partly because that takes focus, and partly because usually we're watching TV and if I play with her too much she completely misses what's going on (surprise surprise).

I guess in short, it really doesn't matter 'what' you're doing - its the touch that matters.  Mix up casual touching with more intimate 'playing' and eventually you get her in a 'state' (as she calls it).  Doing this for hours is apparently a form of pleasure torture, since she begins writhing and whimpering.

Now the touch differs if say, she's laying beside me and I'm sitting up.  Then I can reach her lower half, and it's even more fun (though more intense) to idly play with her clit than with her nipples.  Obviously it's more sensitive, (YMMV here) you really don't have to do much here to get the same effect - long periods of gentle stimulation usually get to the begging stage faster than anything else.  There is also a host of sexy things about a woman's legs that I'll leave you to discover on your own if you don't know already.

Edging -

Without going into orgasm denial (since I think that's a separate topic) I wanted to touch on edging a bit while we were talking about teasing.  This is a more direct form of teasing that both takes concentration and a bit of knowledge of your partner.  What do I mean by edging?

For me, edging is when I am giving her 'intense' stimulation to the point where she 'could' cum.  Now in our dynamic she has to ask, again YMMV, so I have the luxury of saying 'not yet' and having her co-operate here.  If you don't have that luxury you just have to be a bit more careful.  Changing the stimulation, backing off, or alternately doing something and 'not' allowing her to cum at that point is (I'm sure) torture enough, but the key here is to keep her at that point.  Never let the 'pleasure' fade off, keep doing what you're doing to hold her at that point.

This is where the knowledge of your partner is necessary.  I can read when she's getting close, so I know if I need to back off a bit.  I like knowing how my toys work (inside and out) so this was a fun process for me to discover.  Now I feel like I can play her like an instrument, pushing a button here, stroke a chord there and voila!

Also with edging I'd be careful not to 'overdo' it.  I think at some point it starts to lose it's effectiveness, you'll have to determine that point for yourself.  It's also fatiguing on you (the doer) to keep up that stimulation indefinately.  I usually set a realistic time, like 5 or 10 minutes.  I also like telling her what the current time limit is going to be and counting it off for her.  Sometimes I count backwards and watch her get a really wild/frustrated/angry look in her eyes that makes it all worth it.

To end -

I think the teasing ties more into the mental aspect of submission than into the physical.  If you're interested in mental domination it's definitely something that should be in your 'bag of tricks'.  There are a multitude of ways you can fuck her head while you're fucking with her body at the same time - I won't give away all my secrets, but if you're even a little sadistic I'm sure you can already see the possibilities.

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Pushing Boundaries

Last night, while sitting at his computer, the Masterly type turned to me and asked, "How do you say 'what time' in Spanish?"

I told him, "Que tiempo."  I did the student abroad time in Costa Rica in high school, and used to be pretty good at Spanish.  Now, it's best to catch me off guard instead of me trying to think.  Anyway, I figured this was a test.

He said, "That's what you need to ask her."

Being as I was playing a game and not on Fetlife that second I asked, "Who?"

He said, "Rawr.  On Fetlife."  Rawr is a very cool girl we met at a munch recently.  I might or might not be getting a girl crush on her.  Or it could just be that she understands the connection between me, Lush products, and glitter.  At any rate, I went to look it up.  She was headed for wings tonight (the next night, as I was reading it then.)  I did ask her what time, though I managed to use English, not Spanish to do so.  I also probably did so in my usual socially awkward dorky fashion, but it's hard for me to rate myself, because I think everything I do is awkward.  Master just thinks it's cute.  We're both prejudiced.

I tell this story, because later he told me that I wouldn't have asked if he hadn't pushed me, and he was right.  I like that he pushes me to be a better person, and to get past my fears.  Talking to people is a big fear of mine, because I feel like I never know what to say.  I used to be painfully shy when I first met him, to the point that friends in high school used to poke a bit of fun at me for it.  I could go out for a whole evening with friends and manage to say less than half a dozen words.

One of the best things for me, about living in a D/s relationship, is that there's someone in the world who pushes me and doesn't let me stagnate.  We all should be learning and growing in our lives, and becoming our best selves, but when we're left to our own devices, I think most of us - or maybe just me, who knows - tend to push ourselves only in the ways we feel the most comfortable.  For example, I really wanted to have the structure of some kind of a faith in my life, but for years couldn't figure out what that was.  Because I was comfortable in pushing myself in that area, I went to tons of churches, temples and synagogues to figure out where I fit, and I finally discovered wow, I'm a Buddhist.  Who knew?  I thought I'd end up Wiccan or Pagan or something.  But no.

However, I also have an irrational and unexplained fear of having my feet not on a stable surface.  I don't like being in the air for any reason (heights don't bother me at all.  When we were apartment hunting in Calgary I happily stood at the railing of a balcony on the forty-something-th floor  looking at the view while the Masterly one glared at me from inside of the patio doors shaking his head, cause there was no way he was going out there with a railing that was well below his waist) but Master pushes me on this.  I used to be uncomfortable even sitting on his lap, because my feet weren't touching the floor.  It's a type of loss of control that makes me just a little bit crazy, but I'm getting better.  But only because he pushes me into situations where I'll deal with it, face my fears, let myself feel safe because he's there, and slowly move in the direction he wants me to go.

Either that, or he just likes seeing me scared.  Come to think of it.......

Technique Tuesday: Art of Begging

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Technique Tuesday: Begging

What is it?  How do you do it properly?  And what is it about begging that makes people so turned on?

Even after ten years, my Master and I are still discovering interesting things about one another.  I always knew he kind of liked begging.  Now and then he would demand that I beg for something, and I would do my best to do so.  I liked the humbling nature of it, it would make my stomach twist in the same way that it does when he calls me a slut.  It's humiliating, to some degree, but in a safe and pleasant way.

But what is the difference between begging and groveling, and nicely asking?  Is there one?

The piece of writing that Master wrote last night was interesting to me, and provoked quite a discussion in our household.  I asked him if I knew how to "beg" properly, and he asked me to show him how I would ask, if he told me I had to beg for a soda.

"Please Master, may I please have a soda?"

He replied, "And if I said no?"

At that point I told him I'd say, "Yes Master" and stop begging, because it is my tendency to be obedient and when he tells me no, to accept it.  Whoops.  Hadn't ever considered that the "No" would be part of a game of further begging.

When I'm told no by him, it really is my nature to accept it and try to deal with the consequences of the no, whether it's a no to an orgasm that I desperately want and am having a hard time fighting off while he does unspeakable and unspeakably delicious things to me, or no to a pair of shoes I'd love to buy.  I consider myself spoiled, because I do get many of the things I ask for, so I also think it's my place to accept a no gracefully and without being a bother about it.

As we talked, we figured out that if I knew it was part of the game for him to say no, that I wouldn't have a problem continuing to beg.  I also would continue to beg if it were something that affected my well-being; for example, if I was told I would have nothing to drink for a week if I did not beg for that soda.  I of course trust that he would never follow through on such a thing, because he wouldn't want me to die of thirst, but his disappointment in my failure would about kill me and would be almost as painful.

How do you do it?

When presented with that last scenario, I was asked what I would do, and I explained there would be lots of "Please, Master?"ing combined with crawling around at his feet, tugging at his clothing with my teeth, whimpering, and kitten-type rubbings of my cheek against his body parts.  He agreed that this would be suitable begging.

I'm sure that the actual specifics of it are different for everyone, but I think it has to contain some type of humbling of oneself to really qualify as begging, such as the crawling about his feet.  It should obviously contain the request in some form, asked nicely of course, and not with much, if any whining.

Not whining?

I'm really good at whining.  I'm kinda sorry that begging is different from whining.  I can be very cute when I whine, have puppy dog eyes, and a pouty lower lip.

It's not bargaining.

The one thing we both agreed that begging was not, was offering one thing for another.  For example, "Please Master, if you let me have the soda I'll polish your boots."  Well, he could order me to do that at any time, anyway.  What's the point in offering things he already has?  It's never worked, although I've resorted to bargaining in the past when really really really desperate for an orgasm.  It only made him laugh some.

It can contain groveling, but not consist entirely of it.

Groveling and telling someone how amazing they are and how lowly you are is great.  It's humiliating.  It's a definite exchange of power.  But it doesn't contain a request per se.  Still, a good begging session should definitely contain some groveling just for spice.

What do you get out of it?

Well, if you're successful, I guess you get what you're asking for.  When Master wants it, I get the fluttery-happy feeling of him being pleased.  But it's also a profound confirmation of submission and humility.  It's not easy to do, not for an extended period, and especially not for something you're not sure that you want.  It can get deep inside your head, though, which is one of the more fun aspects of BDSM relationships. As for what the dominant partner gets out of it, you'll have to wait until my other half posts.....

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