I am the Face of BDSM

Recently, I read a posting on Fetlife that really bothered me.  It was one of those "My way is the twue way" articles discussing how great online mental D/s was, and how vanillas were missing out on great orgasms, while more extreme BDSMers were "freaks" (among other derogatory pronouns used).  I like reading about what works for other people, and if the article had stuck to that, great.  I have sympathy for people in online or long distance relationships, and know how difficult it can be, because ten years ago, that's where I was stuck with my Master, half a continent apart. 

What I cannot stand, however, is people trying to put themselves on a pedestal by shoving everyone else down into the dirt.  The author attempted to justify this by saying the article was written for vanillas to read, in order to entice them to try using D/s in their bedroom play.  I take issue with the idea that putting down BDSM players and talking about how "disgusting and unsafe" (again a direct quote) they are is a way to do anything other than perpetuate negative stereotypes about the lifestyle.  His rebuttal was that they already think that we're disgusting, so that way they'd relate to his article.

Really?  That just turned my stomach.  Which was interesting, since another word he used for us was "stomach-turning".  The people I know in the lifestyle are anything but stomach-turning.  They are funny and articulate and intelligent.  They have great careers and loving families.  They are parents and professionals and artists and everyday, ordinary people.  They are gentle and kind with friends who are hurting.  They are playful and fun-loving, and have barbeques in the park with water-gun fights.  They like to chat about their favourite hobbies at wing night with their friends.  They like to go out for pizza and a movie.  And sometimes, they like to play hard with naughty implements for everyone's mutual benefit.

I am making this post because what vanilla people really need to know, in order to combat prejudice, is that everyone in the lifestyle, regardless of their particular kink, is just like them.  I am just like them.  You are just like them.  I want them to have a picture beyond the prejudice of who the face of BDSM really is.

It's me.  It's you.  I want to add to this list.  Please comment here or use the feedback form on our site to tell me how you are the face of BDSM (I will add feedback to the original post as it comes in, and pictures if you want to send them along as well).  We average over 100 visitors per day, with our best day boasting over 800.  I know you are out there.  Help me spread the word and show people what the real face of BDSM is.

I am the face of BDSM.  I am just like you.  I'm not scary.  I won't try to convert you.  I believe everyone should have the right to practice love and pleasure on their own terms.

I am the woman walking the fluffy shih tzu in the park, who waved hello to you this afternoon.

I am the shy, quiet member of the book club.

I am the friend you had puppy-sit your new doggie for two weeks, who wouldn't accept pay after your husband lost his job.

I am the friend who brought dinner and dessert to your house when your baby had a fever and you were stressed.

I am the cousin who comes up with the perverse answers when playing "Things" with the family.

I am the woman in the craft store looking at cross-stitch patterns.

I am the writer who penned the article on yarn types that helped you finish your project.

I am the person who anonymously paid for the breakfast tabs of elderly folks eating alone, just because.

I am the woman who friends think is "a little too deferential" to her husband.  I'm also the woman who everyone thinks is still lucky because she and her husband act like honeymooners after ten years.

I am in love.

I am the face of BDSM.

Show the world the real face of BDSM along with me.

BDSMedia - Law & Order Los Angeles: Runyon Canyon

Aired Monday May 9, 2011

(( Warning Spoilers ))

My girl and I were just watching this today (we DVR everything then watch with no commercials, yay technology!).  I was actually happy with how things eventually turned out.

The show started with an implied rape scene.  A woman trying to escape, smashing something under her foot and falling, then being caught by the man that exited the bedroom behind her.  Unable to run any longer he checks out her foot, tells her 'it isn't so bad' then drags her back into the bedroom.  Kind of hot - have to admit, though her screaming and crying wasn't so hot.

Through the investigation they discover that it was actually a foursome, with another girl holding down the 'victims' hands and giving directions while the other two guys have sex with the held down woman.  The sex was apparently rough, and they were experimenting, both with hot wax and breath play (both things I enjoy).  Since I've only dabbled in wax I had to ask my girl how a person could get burns from it, I thought hot wax was relatively safe.  She told me that scented candles contain oil that makes them burn hotter and can cause 1st degree burns if dripped too close to the skin.  Good to know.  I seemed to remember there was a reason I used tapers.

Now, I don't really see anything wrong with what happened (other than the girl ending up dead, that would suck) but the 'Domme' type girl in question here really gets slammed. The term 'sexual deviant' flies around in addition to 'evil and sadistic'.  That's the kind of thing that always gives me a bit of a sad twinge when I watch television.  Like one small kink suddenly makes you an evil pervert or something.  There is at least some balancing by the secondary characters, one of which tries to instill some sense into everyone else - 'you know, they're just young and experimenting' ... too bad we can't be old and still experiment and have it be ok.

Anyway - the girl gets slammed, pretty hard for her 'life choices' - and her parents cry, saying how 'this isn't the girl they know'.  Most of the usual stuff you see about kink on the television.  Nothing new there.  I was prepared when they arrested her to have to sit through a guilty verdict - that's usually how it goes, the 'evil sadistic deviant' can't control themselves, so they kill someone because they 'dare' question them.

I was actually pleased in this case that on top of there being a bit of balance making this an 'ok' thing, that in the end she didn't do it, and doesn't go to jail.  Her parents still love her, and all is well in their universe.  It was nice to see.

BDSMedia: Chloe

Chloe is a cool little Canadian film that I rented from the library because it has some of my favourite actors in it, including Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson, and of course the stunning Amanda Seyfried, who I came to adore while watching her shine in her performances on Big Love.

The film centers on the relationship between a wife (Moore) who hires an escort (Seyfried) to find out if her husband is cheating.  While her original intent is only to have her husband propositioned, the character of Chloe, the escort, relates in detail a far more intimate relationship than the wife intended to occur.

So where does the BDSM come in?  Well, I've heard tales of the female cuck-queen before, but the wife in this film is an interesting example of it.  She is extremely aroused by the tales Chloe tells of interactions with her husband, to the extent of masturbating in the shower while recalling the conversation (an extremely hot scene, might I add.)  I have personally known a few men into the cuckold fetish in my time, and I've honestly thought it was purely a male fantasy for a long time.  I never personally understood why a woman would be interested in, let alone turned on by, the thought of her man being with someone else.  This film does explore the mental "space" where that can occur in an interesting way; suggesting that it could happen to someone perfectly ordinary, given the right circumstances.

That's part of what I liked best about this film.  Usually, whenever fetishes appear in mainstream media, the person with the fetish is portrayed as "other" - warped somehow, either mentally or psychologically, leading to this "aberration" of a fetish.  However, the character in this film is a professional, a doctor, with a husband and a kid and friends, an ordinary sort of upper middle class lifestyle, and no obvious "defects".  Refreshing, to say the least.

Chloe is a fun movie with some interesting twists and turns, including a great mind-fuck moment about three-quarters of the way into the film (no spoilers here, you have to find out for yourself).  It has some seriously sexy moments, including the gorgeous scene when the two female main characters end up in bed together.  I really enjoyed the style of the cinematography; something I don't say often when it comes to Canadian films as I usually find them lacking in that respect. Great for watching with someone you can grope!